Have you ever experienced this?

Today, I am continuing on with Insecure in Love by A. P. Collins, which by the way, is also available in audio and digital format.

I thought yesterday went very well and I was excited to continue on today.

I'm really looking for better insight and understanding into my own behavior and I am looking for strategies I can apply to hopefully change things for the better.

The cool thing about today's reading and studying is that I realized that sometimes, I can identify myself and sometimes, I can recognize the behavior of others as well.

Overall, I still think this is a difficult book to read in this way: To be brutally honest with myself about who and how I am.

It's challenging.

I think it's pretty easy to be in denial. I think it's a form of avoidance. If you are not those things you'd have no reason to do any work on them, right?

Convenient.

So, I continue to approach this book with everything being a possibility.

If I find myself dismissing something, I will dig deeper.

Am I avoiding the truth? Am I experiencing offense? Why?

I think these are good questions to be asking myself.

Once again, key passages stood out to me and I have decided to share them here.

One of the first signs of insecurities working their way into your relationship is a sudden lack of trust. All healthy relationships include mutual trust between partners.

I know that any relationship must be based on a foundation of trust. I know this. I know that nothing can be built, or last any length of time without adequate trust.

It is absolutely necessary.

Having said that, I can also reflect on past experiences and identify times when I, or my partner lost trust in each other.

Taking it further, I do this funny thing. If someone doesn't trust me, I immediately don't trust them.

I am immediately triggered to be suspicious of why they don't trust me.

Are they reflecting themselves on to me? Why? There must be a cause and that cause must be bad.

I immediately throw caution up.

The other side of this is if someone behaves in a way that I see as erratic. I start to question their ability to make sound judgments and decisions. I begin to lose my faith in them.

I think I want to be on guard just in case. I think I am attempting to protect myself from being hurt.

The worst for me is when people lie.

It's awful.

It doesn't matter if it is a small lie or a big lie, the effect is the same. I distrust whatever is said after that point.

I can't understand why people do it. I can't understand why they can't admit it.

I find it so damaging.

It's so very hard for me to come to terms with.

Honestly, I don't know a better way to react when people lie.

I start wondering if they lied about this, what else did they lie about?

It's a bad spiral to be caught in.

I've tried to forgive people who have lied to me.

I've tried to be compassionate and understand that the truth is difficult for some people to bear, that some people feel ashamed by the truth.

But with big lies, and big betrayals, I don't know how to not see what they've done every single time I see their face. Even years and decades later.

It's not like I want to be vindictive. It's not like I want to carry a grudge.

I just can't seem to let go of that pain.

I think it is so very very important to be honest.

It's OK to be flawed. It's OK to do wrong things. It is all better than breaking trust.

Trust is everything in a relationship.

I had relationships with pathological liars in the past and reflecting on that I can see now it is not possible to have an actual relationship with someone like that.

It's just constant abuse, and it's constantly waiting/expecting the next abuse.

Yeah, no.

You have to be able to trust the other person.

Yes, it means putting yourself out there. Yes, it is a risk. Yes, you might get hurt.

But, bringing mistrust into a relationship is just as toxic as being untrustworthy.

I think a lot of people don't realize just how toxic it is to have your guard up like that with your partner.

I think that kind of dynamic only leads to one thing: the death of that relationship.

If you lack trust in your partner, it means you are unable to completely open yourself emotionally.

This was interesting for me to read.

I think it's true.

I mean, it's so common these days to show only the best things. We are almost conditioned to do that.

We show the best photos, share the best experiences, etc.

There seems to be a degree of shame to share or expose anything else.

And what is that really, if not fear?

What are we afraid of?

The truth is, if we were all more real then we could all be more real.

We condition others into the same behavior patterns by behaving in this way ourselves.

By showing only one side of things and ourselves we are withholding ourselves.

We are holding ourselves back emotionally.

Maybe we are afraid we will be seen as weak.

I know that is something I personally struggle with.

I have a long list of things that I viewed as weak, such as: allowing myself to cry, sharing my problems, asking for help, receiving help, saying no, and more.

When I look at that type of thinking, I have to ask myself, what is the big deal about being perceived as weak?

Like, would I be less human?

Probably not, right?

If anything, having weaknesses, would make me more human, because it would be more real.

Not that any of the things I mentioned have anything to do with weakness in the first place.

I can see that. I know that.

But, do you think that in the moment? That I could remember that, or convince myself of that?

Nope.

In the moment, I withdraw in shame and contempt of myself over how weak I perceive myself to be.

You know for years, decades, I could not cry.

I just couldn't.

Many things happened, but no matter what, I couldn't shed a single tear.

Tough face forward.

I would be as if I was made of stone. Invincible.

I would show no sadness.

Today, I can and have cried.

I no longer bottle up my emotions, but I still struggle heavily with opening myself up emotionally.

It makes me cringe.

It makes me so very uncomfortable.

Yet, I can't quite tell you what is so bad about it.

An insecure person will always compare himself to others. If there is anyone you should be comparing yourself to, it is the future you, the best version of you. This will motivate you to work on yourself and to learn. This will make you a successful healthy person as long as your goals are within reason.

I think when I first encountered this thought I was convinced I didn't compare myself to anyone.

But then, I realized that by thinking I am an outsider, a loner, an introvert, I am comparing myself to others.

Them versus me. Me versus them. If that is not a comparison then I don't know what is.

It is comparing myself to others.

Not to mention the frustration over what other people can easily do contrasted with what I constantly seem to struggle with.

Why is it so easy for them? Why is it so hard for me?

Why can't I figure it out?

More comparisons.

I like the next part of this passage.

I mean, why can't I inspire myself to learn and grow? Why can't I try and see some potential within myself?

Why can't I just honestly try my best and that be good enough no matter how that looks.

This reminds me of those "I am enough." meditations that sounded so extremely hokey and woowoo.

But, looking at it this way, it all kind of makes sense.

I have to be enough because I am all I have to work with.

Even if I still have things I need to work on, I still am enough in the meantime.

Being enough isn't contingent on achievement, or some future event.

I have to be enough now, so that I can empower myself in the here and now.

I thought it was a really good reminder to make sure that the goals you set are reasonable.

I've set very high expectations for myself many many times that were probably completely impossible to actually live up to.

But, maybe that was the point.

Maybe the point was to prove to myself that I wasn't good enough and that I could never be good enough.

Maybe this is the real reason people set unreasonably high expectations for themselves.

The constant need for reassurance is another sign of pathological insecurity in a relationship.
When it comes to loving yourself it cannot be achieved without accepting what and who you are. An insecure person will never feel good enough at anything. This might be because their expectations are too high. Or maybe, someone else, such as a parent had expectations that the person in question didn't fulfill.

I really agree with this. I know that I need my own self-acceptance more than I need anyone else's.

That acceptance has to come from me.

I have to accept myself as I am, flaws and all.

More importantly,I have to love myself as I am.

It seems logical that trying to get that acceptance from someone else will never fill that void if I don't have that acceptance for myself.

It would just turn into an endless need. Which would be very taxing on a relationship, and which would inevitably lead to the end of that relationship.

I think what I need to do is find ways to show myself what I am good at. To prove to myself that I am good enough.

I need to build my confidence.

Instead of dogging myself out over what I didn't right or enough of, I need to seek out and pay attention to what I do that's good.

I need to be actively be looking at that instead of criticizing myself.

Many times, I know my expectations were too high.

I know that is very true.

And, I know that when I was a child I struggled to try and meet the expectations of my parents.

That is also true.

And some thing were very cut and dry, like school for example.

Everything below an 80% was a failure.

There was no middle ground.

And there was no celebration or fanfare.

In the low 80s meant I very nearly failed and I have better get my act together and fast.

Higher 80s meant I could work harder.

It pretty much meant I had to be in the mid 90s to be acceptable.

But even then, not a moment was wasted to point out the gazillion other things that were not acceptable or good enough.

I could probably fill an entire book with that garbage.

Even my facial expressions were somehow wrong.

I mean, who sends their kid to practice their facial expressions in front of a mirror?!

Who punishes their kid for the wrong facial expression?!

But, you know in their defense, I think they simply 1) had no idea I had autism 2) had no idea what was wrong with me, or how to handle me.

I'd like to think they were just trying to "help" me to quasi-get-along-with-others, even if their technique was shit.

That garbage, and the perfectionism that resulted messed me up for a long time.

Still to this day I worry about my facial expression when talking to people.

Is it bad? Is it wrong? Is it somehow inappropriate?

You know the worst thing about that, was that I had no clue what was wrong or what right looked like.

Practicing your facial expression is meaningless, and pure agony if you can't figure out what is wrong and what is right.

But yeah, people say your past doesn't dictate your future. They say you can therapy your way out and all that jazz.

And for a lot of it, you can make a lot of strides but it can also affect you in ways you don't consciously realize.

Like becoming a perfectionist. Which, I thankfully got over.

But, I still struggle with setting too high of expectations.

An insecure person often feels pressure to be better. Not realizing that better is not always possible.

This statement pretty much describes my entire life.

Constant and never-ending pressure to be better.

There is something else I need to work on, and something else, and something else, and something else and and and and and.

Yadda, yadda, bang.

It is only very recently that I have begun to realize and become cognizant that better might not always be possible.

For someone like me, that is hard hard medicine to take.

But, that is what radical acceptance is.

Knowing you might not be able to fix everything and being OK with that.

Another thing that insecure people do often is overthink. Because of insecurity in their decision everything needs to be analyzed and reanalyzed. This goes for partners too. This is again about reassurance and truth. Insecure people will not trust their partners words, thoughts, or actions. They will doubt everything their loved one is doing and will overthink what is the real meaning or intention behind the partner's actions. It becomes difficult if you read into your partners words in a way that will reinforce your insecurities. If you are insecure about your partner's faithfulness you will spend all of your time and energy into proving that he or she is cheating. You will search all possible clues. You will read into everything they say and you will ask illogical questions.

Goodness. Overthink much? Me?

That is almost hilarious!

I am the queen of over-analyzing. I could found and head a group of "Overthinkers are Us".

I know it, and yet, I seem to be helpless to get it under control.

This means that and that means that and that means that and suddenly it's the end of the world. It's the bitter end.

Let's throw our hands up in the air. It's time to give up. Everything is hopeless.

Everything is complete and utter shit.

What really struck me about this passage is the transference.

I was going to say that I have noticed that I not only over analyze myself, but I know there were times when I have done the same to others.

The same with expectations. I have placed too high of expectations on myself and others.

What is worse is that I have often forgotten that other people are not me, they may not see what I see, in the way I see and understand it. I can't judge them for what they do by what I think I would do.

I have been questioned by partners and I have questioned partners. And, reflecting back, I can see that both were inappropriate.

The most impacting thing about this passage is when it talks about not only transference but also how your perspective becomes so jaded that you actually actively reinforce your insecurities.

That's is kind of horrible isn't it?

You prove them, you reinforce them, they become more believable and powerful and suddenly you are stuck in one very bad repeating cycle.

One phrase I have learned to be very weary of is:
"Why does this always happen to me?"

That phrase or a variation thereof is a warning sign. It's a signal to dig deeper. Something bigger is going on.

It may be that you are the very person perpetuating the problem.

Like in this case, you may be reinforcing your insecurities.

Yes, I have been caught in "finding" indicators that my partner was not being honest, or not faithful, or both.

Which means that I was "looking" for them.

Make sense?

And, I have had the same done to me.

And some real reaches that defied logic.

Absence = lies and or cheating

Slow response = lies and or cheating

Change in behavior = lies or cheating

And all kinds of other stupid shit.

And, I mean it really is.

It's pretty much making up illogical shit at that point and then rationalizing it as something logical.

And, not to mention leaving no room for a person to be an actual real person. It would be pretty much impossible for a human being to live up to that standard of perfection and expected behavior.

Very unhealthy dynamics for a relationship.

Unchecked and unchanged this type of thought and behavior will spell the death of a relationship.

Fear plays a big role in relationship insecurity. Fear we have from previous experiences which may or may not be related to previous love lives.

Yes, once again, I can see this all is tied to fear.

I think recognizing that fear illustrates the importance of working on self-empowerment, self-acceptance, and self-love.

I have to accept that I am good enough, as I am, right now.

I have to not dismiss that by analyzing it and concluding it sounds too woowoo.

It's serious. It's important.

-to be continued-

-Akiroq

(I am at the end of Chapter 2.)

Image by Sven Lachmann from Pixabay