How people perceive others vs how they perceive me

Others: What a full, manly beard! so sexy!
Me: What a slacker, how about a little shave once in a while!

Others: He's been going to the gym for a year now. Look at that progress!
Me: Yeah, he's only going to the gym to cover up his low self esteem. Gyms are for cheapskates anyway.

Others: Well I always like a little bit of extra fat to cuddle with.
Me: Ugh, go lose some weight chubby.

Others: His knowledge is so off mainstream, yet always intriguing.
Me: Listen to that jibberish! Any expert knows he's talking out of his own crazy mind.

Others: They way he goes through life, such an adventurous freelancer. Gives him that cute boyish charm.
Me: Get your act together, loser!

Others: So attractive when a guy cuts straight to the chase. Shy fellas bore the hell out of me.
Me: How rude. Stay away from me, perv!

Me: How I love being treated like a queen and spoiled like a child.
Me: Stop smothering me, makes you look like a little sissy.

Others: Wow, I remember that song, such an amazing classic! He has really good taste in music.
Me: Meh, not that boring old tune again.