On the relative merits of Pizza and Ass. A comparative analysis.

My life has been a dichotomous one, on the one hand my milky white thighs and man boobs lend themselves to gender ambiguity; this combined with a lack of social restraint leads me to wonder: if I had access to a modern social justice lexicon at the tender age of 15, would I have opted to become a woman? On the other hand my bone structure, striking good looks and now muscular build has left me a fully heterosexual man; with but two options on his table:

Ass or pizza.

One might fairly wonder why these are the only two options, the answer is simple. I have limited time and a limited budget.

Pizza and ass are complicating factors in my modern bachelors lifestyle. As expressed in my previous post 'P is for Prostitutes' I find paid sex a distasteful and unsatisfying experience and I therefore must maintain an aesthetically attractive appearance, in order to procure ass 'au naturale' (not however, as my spell check suggested 'oh nathienel'; I'm saving this experience for my late 60s).

This is complicated, due to my love of pizza and a waning appreciation for ass. Pizza is in many ways better than ass. You cannot get herpes from a pepperoni pizza* nor will a pepperoni pizza cost you your house*. However, pizza complicates the process of getting ass in the following ways:

• Pizza contains large amounts of carbohydrates and sodium, which both increase body fat and swell subcutaneous tissue, this tends to make you unappealing to even low quality ass, as it's usually attached to a female who is usually attached to a sense of inflated self worth. Mores the pity.
• Pizza is best eaten alone, while drunk and lying on a foam mattress placed directly on the floor.
• Pizza makes you grunt contentedly and high five yourself for living out the bachelors aesthetic.

Ass on the other hand, complicates the appreciation of pizza in the following ways:

• You cannot handle a respectable ass after consuming pizza. An ass in good condition is usually attached to a human being with caveats like 'self respect' which precludes getting covered in grease and crumbs.
• Ass may insist on more expensive consumables like "can we just eat healthy for once" and "why don't we eat out tonight".

In conclusion, ass is just a complicating factor in the enjoyment of pizza, and this is reflected in both my choice of lifestyle and my relative consumption of both.

*for legal reasons I must admit this is not strictly true