It's a cold morning and I am stuck in warm blankets trying to meditate as I scribe. I am in half drained half interested in living mode. My energy levels has been dwindling for the last few days and I can't move past feeling sad and dissatisfied.
I have just read something deep on what felt like a self review on my end by @taraz and the likability of our personal struggles took me aback. You see, I relate to some of his reflections of his self on a scale we can only understand through our being humans.
I have struggled with inadequacy in the past and I still get sucked into that mental cyclone time and time again. This happens when I meditate on my dreams or goals on a larger scale. And yes mine have secret compartments that I unlock and get lost in. The bigger the dream, the more compartments.
Everytime I take on that long or short mental journey, I am left feeling inadequate. The dream doesn't equal to this to the person I view myself as. I feel like I am not fit for that role that it would come with. Like I am not deserving enough to go where it would take me.
Also, how my sins are always haunting me. I overthink each and every one of them with profound remorse. It's draining and mentally tiring but a routine my mind is deviating from slowly by slowly.
Do we intend to be this complicated or is it just a human being thing? Sometimes I wonder. The extrovert in me is loud, a charmer and a certified clown. She overdoes everything... Her energy levels deplete so fast and staying plugged into music is how she gets through the day. It's fucking hard to put up with myself in this state.
The introverted side of me is who I am most of the time. Laid back, uninterested in whatever and mute. I cruise through days in silence and fight inner demons to pass time. If I don't watch out, I overdo that too and get myself mentally drained.
Either way, finding fault in self I guess is a default in all of us especially myself. I don't feel like I do enough to fuel or better self. Time is always a factor and doing other things takes most of it. But I never have enough for me yet I am the only one who is supposed to deal with this unknown future. Makes you wonder, how exactly!