Is in the grammar or something else?

I am re-reading some of my longer pieces and trying to see what could be improved or if any of it is at least borderline good. What I notice that I need to pay more attention to details: grammar, paragraphs, sentence structure. The big fundamental things.

I know that I should but I also know that I do not like to do that. Maybe because I have this bohemian idea of writing from the tip of my fingers and throwing it out there and let other people do the dirty work ( editors? ) or maybe because - most likely! - I have a fear of re-reading and re-assessing. I might be faced with the truth: I SUCK!

But isn't this needed anyway?

I started to use Grammerly, which is an app that helps with the basics. I am afraid a little that it will take the soul out of any piece but I think at this point, the advantages are plenty and I heard that many writers of any kind use it. It's a smart way to look at the glance what kind of errors you make without even realizing. You can leave them in afterwards. I am not sure the long term effects of this, maybe it will push me toward writing clearer...but losing a lyricism that I look for in any sentence. Or maybe, it's simply a stupid fear: you need to know and respect the rules in order to break them. This is a cliche for a reason.

Ultimately, I can see that a lot of my mistakes comes from a place of fear. While it masquerades as many different fears, I think they are all children of the big one: That I can't write, that my writing is lifeless, boring and useless and that any ideas are anyway not worth writing down in the first place. A lack of confidence.

A common fear in any writer but also one that needs to be overcome if any good things are to come, I think.
So, I look over older pieces. Might re-post some rewrites if I get this far.