Close Encounters of the Absurd Kind 17 - Fruits from my Thinking Cap

Stoner Log. Stardate QWERTY.

First name: Steak.
Last name: Sandwich
Occupation: Being high-tech.
Hobbies: Being delicious
 

This is what I like to listen to while smoking up. It’s nice and churchy for when I’m paying my dues to the Magic Dope Fairy. That, and Louis Armstrong is such a class act.

 Faaaarrkkkk, that’s good liquor, too. The guy at the Comission who sold it to me warned my not to drink it straight, as it an actual drink. But, he never considered the fact that he was dealing with Tobias Jaxon! 

Why am I out of teaspoons? Since when do swine come before pearls?

 Speaking of pearls, I need to stream more of my favorite radio station. CJ 106.5 FM, the college radio station from my hometown. Check it out.
http://assiniboine.net/cj106 

 This is very tasty liqour. Cherry-flavoured vodka. Best served chilled an on a hot day. Though that’s problematic with how fucked me fridge is.

 It occurred to me that I was trying to get out of where I am with a modicum of dignity. Good luck with that, Kirk van Houten! 

  Wow, I’m amazed at the lack of a life some people seem to have. This is coming from a hermit like me, so there is something fucked up with that. But consider this: what kind of a life would it be to just wake up, log onto the internet, and ctrl + v all day, “shut the fuck up” or some other shitty sentiment on every post and vine and video you can see. What kind of a life would that be? Could you even call it a life?
 

I broke my typewriter the other day, so I’m back to writing longhand. It’s nice to see that I can work through all the pens and  blank paper I’ve hoarded for the last decade, but it is tough to write in cursive after so many years. It’s even more of a challenge when you’re baked.

 Man, I fucks wid rye bread so hard, know’msayin? 

 POOL PARTY IN THE GROTTO! That would be awesome. I’ve been the kind of guy to try and figure out a way to get a beach party going on in the dead of winter. Wouldn’t that be legendary, in a city that gets colder than the surface of Mars in the winter
 I should start a garden the grotto. That way I could start to eat my own produce. Ordinarily, I started to plan for this when I would
 

I was cooking some sausage in my pan, and started to wonder about the chunks of meat, being done in rotation. 

  Consider this: a done piece was unable to leave, due to two undone pieces. I lifted it up and over, thinking they had a very polite dialogue. 

 And then I thought, what if the done piece was a Jew, and the other two were Nazi soldiers.  And if the skillet is hot, their world would be ending.
 

Then I got the idea of a  Stormtrooper and an allied soldier fighting amid a bombing run. 

“You wanna do this now?? The world is ending!”
“What better time? For the Fuhrer!”
 

The dregs of Facebook are a fun place when you’re baked. But yesterday, I was pining for a special lady in my life. Looking over all the drama of people I barely like, I’m quite secure in being single for now.
 

I did find this little gem, though. “Emergency! I need an RN right now!”
“I’m a real nigga, what’s up.”
“Registered nurse, you idiot!”
 That should be a Blaxploitation movie tagline. “Help, anybody? I need a REAL NIGGA!”

 What if when we’re all losing our marbles, and we’ve become so old and inferned that we are in care homes, that everyone thinks we have dementia because our thought processes are so disjointed? But in reality, we have all our faculties, we’re just remembering all the memes we’ve seen in our lives. And those fucking kids who we’re now at the mercy of are too young to remember what a meme was.

 I hate the fact that when I’m baked and have a very vacant stare that I look like Donald Trump. That is further exacerbated by the fact that I have a very awkward suntan caused by my PPE and sunglasses. I just spent an evening looking in the mirror and laughing at myself for those reasons.

 What if porn star Madison Ivy and Melania Trump are the same person? It wouldn't surprise me. And I wouldn't blame her, incidentally. 

 I hope you’re enjoying your evening, and we’re just tickled pink that you spent it with us.

Just a friendly reminder, folks: fire exits are on your left and right, don’t drink and drive, look both ways before crossing the street, and vaccinate your fucking kids. Thanks very much, enjoy.

Conversely, vaccinate your pets, and spay and neuter your kids. 

Thanks for spending the time.

Fairy Bless,

- Eli

Images, as always courtesy of Google.

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