I will Write...

I will write - because this is how I process and heal. It is how I manage my mind. It is how I find a place of understanding for every microscopic detail of my life experience which I find challenging or overwhelming.

I will write - because this is one of my God given gifts. It is something that I do not have to try to do, it just is. It is a part of my heart, my soul, my energy and I would not have been given the ability to use words, if I was not meant to.

I will write - because I loved you and I am hurt. You took my heart and everything I gave you along with it and you threw it away like the trash which forever lies on the floor of your car that is only ever cleaned up for the people who you care to impress.

I will write - because you knew what I had already been through, how it broke me and what it took for me to rebuild my entire life and you did nothing with that knowledge besides do it to me all over again.

I will write - because I will never understand how someone who smiles and speaks so sweetly for all the onlookers of the world could treat the “family” they said they loved, with such complete and utter disregard.

I will write - because I doted over you for the better part of a decade, and when I was the “successor” between the two of us, I did not abandon you or treat you with disdain… no, I lifted you up. Helped you find that champion within yourself, but when my world changed and you were “right up there”, instead of embracing my personal journey, you chose to shut me out and treat me like I no longer held any value to you.

I will write - because that angers me. It is things like this which make me lose respect for the human race as a whole. Value, depth and true appreciation seem to be fading into the distance made by dust from the wheels of self absorption which spin on the road.

I will write - because I am a bigger person than ANY of the circumstance I have or may encounter or endure. I have been rising from knees in the dust since I was five years old and I have not given up yet.

I will write - because I will shed you, be it slowly - like a snake sheds a skin - and then, I will eat the memory of you whole, like the cowardly little field mouse you are.

I will write - because I know that despite where I currently stand, sit and lie - the wheel of life always turns full circle, and I know that I am heading to precisely where I am meant to be and when I get there, I will able to look back on all of this - and you, with relative fondness and nostalgia.

I will write - because if you don’t ever allow the space for yourself to be fully emotionally present - to absorb, consume and process the “ALL” good, bad, ugly and horrific… then you are living a lie. Those lies always catch up with you… and when they do, they carry a whole lot more weight. That weight will drown you.

I will write - because this is how I stop myself from drowning.