rambling

i like embracing the isolation. i think i just want to find someone similarly fucked up and at peace with it. like as opposed to the, "no, you're not alone", argument by people trying to fix without compassion for the truth. i want someone who is alone. then we can be alone together and it can be peaceful. i face my pain. i do what i want to get myself better. quite ruthlessly in fact. anyone else is on that level of respect i can accept that. the trying to help me from the outside and giving me false hope bit i can't handle so well. it infuriates me to believe it and be let down. maybe other people have other needs or are in a different place and that is their thing. it just angers me to have to convince someone else of how fucked i am. the goal is to get them to listen and understand. but if i am trying to defend my position i have already lost. that is what it always feels like and has always felt like. when am i going to say no again? no, you don't get me. no, this isn't helping. no, i don't want to please you to make you feel better about my situation. no, i don't want to talk about it and be emotionally manipulated when i am vulnerable. no, i don't want to defend. no i don't want to explain why you are doing that at i feel this. no i don't want to spend my time forcing and making you realise you are shaming me. i am alone. i am fucking alone. fuck your sad smiley face for me pointing it out to you. bring me someone who has faced their pain and isn't scared. i've been through everything. mental hospitals, counselling, doctors, retreats, self-help. i know what my problem is. it is listening to other people first. it is doing what they want me to do. out of fear. it is feeling i need to justify myself to them. a plant has a seed which is unique and gets no warmth or light or water and is beaten. you don't blame it for not blooming like the others. if you want to help it you give it extra nitrogen and accept it needs to be in the sun for the rest of its life.