Ulog entry - Today was rough - day 11 MAC

in ulog •  2 months ago

Thank goodness this day is nearly over. I can feel the sharp edge of today beginning to fade. I was able to purge a lot of my angst with a more in-depth reflection with "Sometimes I can't be the strong one" on Whaleshares, so I'll spare you from reading the same thing on both platforms.


taken with Canon Powershot SX1iS

Mindset is Everything

The picture of the cloud formation which looks like a nuclear blast almost summarizes how volatile my emotions were today. I wonder if I needed a day to grieve, cry, and reflect. I was open to embracing the dark place and sit in the company of anxiety and depression. A part of me recognizes that I have a love/hate relationship with the gloomy abyss, for how can I truly appreciate all the good in my life without tipping my hat to the bad? What would life look like if everything was good?

Maybe there's a lesson in humility in here somewhere.

I often hear people bemoan their situations with "Why Me?" but I'll never ask that. Whether spoken aloud or whispered to myself I counter with , "Why NOT me?" Who am I to think I deserve better? What is "deserve" anyway, but some useless sense of entitlement or projected sense of righteousness?

Why shouldn't the good and bad things happen to me?

As I sit here to write, I feel calm. My eyes grow heavy and I hope for a heavy, dreamless sleep because I am determined to feel better upon greeting the new day. I sat in the dark place for long enough. Its grip isn't as strong as it used to be.

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I think it's impossible to not go to the dark areas of your mind sometimes. Like you, I have moments in my life that will always haunt me. Recently, I was saving news footage to an external hard drive from the days when my grandmother was killed by her next door neighbor who was robbing her house. It made all those memories come back and I was incredibly sad. There are some moments so haunting and horrible that it's hard to not re-grieve and relive the memories as if they were fresh. I do think that tragedies make us stronger but it's okay if you aren't always the strongest one. Some darknesses are always part of you and you have to learn to live with them. It's good you can use the bad to appreciate the good. On another note I hope your kids will be okay and out of harms way. At least they have good warning and time to prepare before the storms hit so that they can try to be safe.