Ulog #28

sometime right before Thanksgiving, I received some information that sort of, jogged my memory, so to speak.

Since then, I've been searching for answers and working on improving some of my behaviors. It's still a work in progress, hence the sign. ↖️

Let's back up to the week before Thanksgiving. Simon had been sleeping poorly and his eczema on his hands and feet were getting steadily worse.
We had already seen his ped and been referred to many specialists. However, none had called us back yet.

During this time, Chris was gone at work and I was not sleeping since Simon wasn't sleeping. Now, this has been going on for 4 years on and off, i'm used to it by now. but this time, every time he woke me up I felt as if I had been pulled away from something important. and then I would find myself unable to fall back asleep and just feeling so much rage, and sorrow. and not knowing why. Simon waking up was not the cause of my anger, I knew that. but what was??

I was almost at the end of my rope and not really looking for answers. I knew what I didn't want to be.

the mom that yells. the mom that commands respect but doesn't give it.

the things my dad was to me.

I didn't quite know how I would get there, but I knew that I had people in my life I could look up to in that regard.

chris can be extremely patient and loving with the kids. So can my mom. and chris' mom used to have such a peaceful calm about her manner of speaking, I tried to channel that side of me whenever I consciously remembered to.

but then..

I was reading some click bait article thing about life after death. which has always been a topic that fascinated me, yet I kept at arm's length for most of my life.

the writer described the moments after your bodies death to be something akin to your soul taking a vacation after a life's work. they said, the soul kind of enters a cocoon like phase where it can review the work it had done and decide if more work is yet to be done in other incarnations.

now, I have never been one to give much thought to past lives. I spent much of my life describing my beliefs as agnostic. I didn't know for sure there was a "god". I felt like, there probably was one, but all the stories I had heard about different gods and religion, never ended well for the people involved. there was always this invisible barrier to god in each religion story. some super secret set of rules that changed whenever it benefited someone in power.

I for sure didn't believe in any of that.

I approached all my interests from a scientific standpoint only. I loved astronomy so I shunned astrology.
I loved art, but instead of admiring its beauty, I dissected the color composition and structure.
When I would contemplate the universe and how we fit into this giant puzzle, I imagined that atoms would act much like a computer code, but never fully tried to develop those ideas. I told myself that I didn't study physics in school. i'm bad at math. I'll never understand all this even if I try.

but you know what?

that one description of the afterlife and the soul at rest, changed my mind.

In that instant, it was like a door in the back of my brain cracked open and at once I knew that it was a fact. because I remembered being there. when? no idea.
but somewhere in my memories is this place. I can't really explain it.

from there, things got weird.

I spent most of my free time thinking about all these questions I had and googling them, and to my surprise, there were others out there like me. "waking up"

I felt a strong sense of intuition taking over my brain. when I would read about some topic I questioned, I was able to filter out the crap info and basically verify what I had already known to be true.

everything took on a new meaning. books I've always loved- hello "small gods" by Terry pratchett. songs, smells, stories, friends, family. suddenly it all made sense.

all the things that make me who I am were telling me a story I would someday need to hear in order to convince myself I've not gone crazy.

convince myself that there is a god.

and it's me

and it's you

and it's all of us, even mother earth herself

we are all small gods

so, while I am processing all this I may be somewhat quiet here. or I may not.
but if you're here reading this, you're probably on a similar journey even if you might not know it yet. so I know you'll understand. eventually.

love and light my friends. be good to each other. 💗💗

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