Island Hopping

Not a lot of world like this, is there? Just sea. That white speck just visible left of Antarctica is the French Southern Antarctic Lands. Funny, how far the White Bull swam with Europa…. How lonely you Kiwis must be. I mean, you always get the sense big sis Australia is your neighbour, but it looks like a miserably long swim to me if you happen to fall overboard anywhere in the Tasman sea. Mind you don't lean too far one way and fall off the world!

Walk the Dog, Sail the Heart

There is a general intuition that tells us all, that to travel on water is to move the heart. If we are very head-bound we feel the conflict and get sea-sick. (Bucket here, please!). If we feel very trapped by our mundane karma we take a pin and prick about in a stretch of sea until we find a desert island. To this we then sail in a boat with a phantom feline and a Fender Stratocaster or a Gibson Les Paul - what does this pussy cat know…. The strumming and humming through the wee and witching hours sounded melodic to her sensitive ears.

While some of us hop into/onto/aboard a katamaran and take to the veritable waters, others feel happier setting sail in a Chesterfield. For the latter there is this super fun book by Judith Shalansky to help you navigate by. Without loss of life or wreckage we discover, in our lazy armchairs, that it’s best not to embark on voyages at all: they can be tremendously disappointing and leave you in the middle of nowhere to succumb to having nothing to eat and noone to care about whether you live or die. Just consider the Diappoinment Islands, Napuka, in French Polynesia, which was discovered by starving sailors on Magellan’s voyage who baptised the Pacific - the far too pacifically calm waters getting them nowhere in a hurry. Finding nothing edible or potable on that rugged bit of world, they returned to their no less rugged ship, to eat more of the few rats left (and eachother), determined to never undertake such a voyage again.

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^{Earhart had spent the last 15 hours tossed by dangerous storms over the North Atlantic, contending with failing machinery and sipping a can of tomato juice to calm her queasy stomach. . . . she planned to end her journey in Paris . . . the fuel tank sprang a leak . . . she wound up navigating to a Northern Ireland pasture.}

Fly me rather to the moon.

Otherwise take heed from the end Amelia Earhart came to, who “flew into yesterday” to be never heard of again, her flight around the equator taking her beyond the date line, after she missed the refuel stop on the tiny Howland Island (part of the Phoenix Islands belonging to the USA), obscured by a single cloud.

^{Howland Island. Read all about the daredevil Amelia Earhart & her more timid-looking navigator Fred Noonan’s last flight here}

P...P...P...P...P...Penguins and more Penguins

If you are partial to rain, or just want a break from a drought you might be stuck with, think of sailing to Macquarie Island, Tasmania, where it rains all year round. Or maybe a helicopter flight is better? Then again the incessant storms can’t make that a more attractive option really. Anyhow, if you do manage to land safely and don’t join the row of skeleton wrecks in every bay (I count 15 bays) you’ll have to wade through the penguins next. They’ll be smelly. And imperturbable.

Royal penguin rookery on Macquarie Island

Not feeling that Gauguin vibe yet

I don’t know if there is any island in French Polynesia which is fun to visit, but I’d give the Tuamoto Archipelago a miss, if I were you. Sail around with a wide berth…. Shortly after I was born, the French blasted one of the lagoon atolls, the idyllic Fangagaufa practically to kingdom come with a hydrogen bomb. Just testing. You might know the place as Cockburn Island. There is nothing much left to know about it now, though.

Our Slavic friends are SO romantic

There is also a bit of Russia to visit by way of a remote Pacific island: Atlasov, named after a Cossack, is a perfectly symmetrical volcanic mountain peak sticking up out of the waters. It once stood in Kamchatka (that appendix off the East end of Russia) but too perfect for it’s own good, it left that peninsular to be more modest in the middle of the Pacific. It left its heart behind in the form of Lake Kurile (which I cannot find on any map, but ought to be somewhere, true story as it is).

It seems to be great rainbow trout fishing on Kamchatka. I presume this is the river Ozernaya, but Google maps can’t locate it for me. (Russian) boatsmen, or fishing buddies to the rescue, once again, please! Leave your coordinates in the comments below. In any case, all you outdoorsy types, try your luck having a sporting holiday on Kamchatka;

The lodging looks great.

Man as superior being (some more than others)

There be, of course, a penal colony amongst these islands connoted deceptively with peaceful waters. Norfolk Island is one such barbarous place where man brutalised man because he could. Sure, there would have been murderers, and rapists and proper sadists, and vicious highway robbers amongst these men, but could you beat a worn out man down on a paradisal island?

Emily Bay, Norfolk Island

Sexy Time

For the promiscuous, Pukapuka – part of the Cook Islands - (used to be/) is the place to be (?). Getting pregnant out of wedlock made you all the more eligible as a bride (prooves you are fertile). The ladies galavanted about starkers and Robert Dean Frisbie, an emigrant from 1924, preferred life there (in the middle of nowhere, note, we are on a postage stamp of three square kilometers of land, 700 km from Samoa, surrounded by an awful lot of water) to the life in Cleveland - but, hey, don't feel offended all you Clevelanders: comment below on all the great things to do in Cleveland to show the Pukapukans what they are missing in turn.

One of the attractive features of this remote one could be that there is a lot of singing going on: notably before and after sex seems to be the standard practice, but don't expect any during (not if you have a nice girl).

I don’t know why it was once called Danger Island. Take a virtual holiday by watching this fairly unpolished(all the more holiday-like) video, why not. Spare yourself some travel time and no need for a bucket (although there is some pitching, listing and bumping to hold onto your seat for; but no naked girls I am afraid).

However you decide to travel: Bon Voyage!