Love and a Nameless Mountain

I would take the chance to hike with some friends given my bad history of being unprepared for nature trips. Jose and his friend decided to go up the mountain outside the tourist map. I don't think there's really a name for this mountain, not that it really matters and not that I'm assuming you don't know which part of the world it is located. Anyway, the village where I was staying is called Dina Huapi, located 8 miles from the town San Carlos de Bariloche. Jose lives here for work but he is originally from the city of Buenos Aires.

Aside from the fact that Jose knows the way up the mountain, he also got to take care what we would be needing for the hike. This is a good thing about being with someone, it means someone gets to take care of me too. Jose is actually very caring and he made me happy the whole time. It's also not every day someone would bring me a wine from Mendoza to help me drown my sorrow or remind me that I'm in a beautiful place. In reality, I miss getting drunk, having a good laugh and being myself with someone.

During my trip, there was always this person only wanting to have a quick fuck - a typical young travelers' thing. I realized that this is not for me because I'm not very young anymore and I feel very deeply. I guess I'm not into this temporary happiness thing. The whole part of my trip, there was always this man who would be ready to change my whole plan or hurt me because someone has to go. I want to feel needed and not be let go just like that for once. I want someone would not hesitate to buy a plane ticket to see me again or would beg me to stay because freedom is tiring. Freedom is tiring. I convinced myself that perhaps I'm not really special just to numb the pain, but then deep down, I know I'm special. I don't want someone telling me to have a nice life, goodbye, I wish you happiness, have fun on your travel, que te vaya bien - I've heard all of these before and I don't want to hear these from anyone anymore. I want someone to be the one, to be the one who could not say these words that easy. All these words, just meaningless words, I want to feel special too. I had this fear that the society instilled upon me - the fear to be called needy. I say fuck it now, it's alright to need.

I have to give love a chance again and let someone take care of me too. It is exhausting especially If I had to look after myself during those early years when someone was supposedly taking care of me still. Jose made sure that I felt happy and comfortable. We went to some mountains together even to the nameless one. If I would be hiking there alone, I would probably have gotten lost, hungry and cold. Sometimes, it is nice to share the beauty of the moment and not have it all for yourself.

It was not such a hard trek. I walked using Jose's trekking shoes and it was so nice of him to let me use it. I paid attention to details you know, like whenever someone would do small things for me, that would make feel really happy. I would feel grateful. It's not every day someone would think of me before himself so it was such a big deal for me, and I always remember.

The dogs were hiking with us so it was double the joy. I heard the crunchy sound of the earth as I walked up the hill. It was one bright sunny day or as the Argentines say Alto dia or high day. You don't really feel the heat in this Patagonian weather, but I don't let it betray me. I know very well that anything that feels so good could also burn me. However, I realized that I don't want to be too cautious anymore, otherwise, I would have just stayed at home and live in misery. Why not give the sun a chance, to see the beauty and feel the love of this nameless mountain. I would rather risk getting burned than not feel anything at all.

I was not sure if I was searching for me or for something called home. Even though at times, I'm troubled by the emptiness, I still keep my head high and my heart open. I was told again and again by a friend how I should only be focusing on my journey and nothing more. That I was just passing through and that I would leave everyone anyway. A part of me thinks that I'm brainwashed into believing this because, at some point, we all need love. Love should be the point and I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I could go trek alone in many mountains all over the world, but when I get to the top, what's the point in all of these. In all these quests for meaning and adventure, in the end, we all want to belong somewhere or to someone. We also need someone to tell that the view is breathtaking and that it was a hard climb but we made it. We need someone to share the happiness and pain. Don't even tell me to be happy alone, that's all I ever did since I was a kid, and it was really tiring. I deserve affection too. Someone to tell me what to do sometimes, someone I could trust, and share everything about me, every inch of my body and my laugh and my tears.

I saw the snow-capped mountains from a distance and realized that I was not alone this time witnessing this beauty around me. If I have to go back and forth, in the cold Andes or in this barren landscape, I would have to remain intact and sane. I keep my spirit and give love a chance. I might have to collect names of lovers that went wrong and wake up in a different place again and again but it's all worth the heartache. I'll take the chance.

I knew that I had to go even if Jose wanted me to stay. There were many things I didn't understand and the risk of opening my heart was to get hurt. The nameless mountain became another memory, a thing of the past. The pain of leaving is no different to the pain of being left alone, it is just the same. I remember quite clearly when I was waiting on the road, how hard it was to swallow and breathe, this feeling was not something new to me anymore but I still dread it so much. I still don't want to lose that feeling.