Looking back… the path I walked in Peru’s Sacred Valley.   

Like every other person in the world I have my own problems. My own hidden traumas, things that trigger certain behavior patterns. A shadow from the past, to put it dramatically. Unless you are a very close friend (and maybe not even then) you probably never heard me talking about this before, and you won't hear me talking about it in this blog either. With a reason. I absolutely detest people that ‘carry their soul under their arm’ and keep on whining about their issues, or blaming the past for everything they feel they do wrong in the present. Not only because this is private, but also because if these problems exist the best way to handle them is dealing with it. Get a grip. Face the evil. 

Of course you can choose for psychotherapy, but this is just not my style. In my humble opinion these expensive shrinks just analyzed everything I already knew, without giving any practical insights about how to solve anything. It annoyed me quite a bit, as I felt I knew more than the specialist asking me questions… because in fact I do. Yes, I can say this without feeling guilty: I had the same, or better, education they had, but more importantly, I think I’m more experienced in life than most of them. I am not implying that this makes me a better person or all shrinks are like that, but they're just no use for me. I needed something that knew more than I did. 

Then I heard about ayahuasca. 

Ayahuasca is a psychedelic substance brewed out of the 'Banisteriopsis caapi' vine, which contains DMT. For centuries this plant was (and is) used in divine ceremonies and rituals in the Amazon, as spiritual sensations and revelations regarding the purpose of the Earth, the essence of the universe and an insight in human nature are triggered. It's considered a spiritual awakening or 'rebirth' as positive life changes are usually a result. I think this is incredible and I felt more than ready for it. I am not a person that is into drugs, but I thought this could help me on a path of personal growth. There’s a reason it’s called ‘the medicine’. That’s why I am not embarrassed to write about this. Dear Internet, here’s my story, it’s all yours!

As I don’t consider myself as a spiritual person, I was kind of skeptical when I heard my shaman talk about the spirits and forces. I am a bit too down to earth for that. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in ghosts and I don’t believe in reincarnation or aliens. I think you live your life and then you die, and all is gone. This is not depressing, this just stimulates me to get everything out of my life without wasting moments. 

When I drank the ayahuasca I nearly threw up in my mouth: This was by far the most disgusting thing I every consume... and I ate and drank weird things while traveling. Nevertheless, after an hour I agreed with taking another cup, as I wanted the full experience. And that I got.

It started with a lot of quick thoughts about the people I know and experiences I had with them. It made me feel happy and comfortable, but every time I tried to hold on to a thought or hallucination it faded. Maybe because many people I (start to) care about disappear out of my life, because of the way I choose to live it. I thought the ayahuasca wasn’t working yet, as these were just thoughts in my mind… but then I realized thoughts are a part of me and completely shape your own reality. 

Thoughts are real, because no one sees the world in the same way: everyone creates his own filter.

I went back to old memories I had forgotten about, random situations in which I was together with my family or friends and completely relived these situations. I saw both of my grandfathers who passed away a long long time ago and they calmed me down. I am glad they did, because I was about to face my demons. 

Many evil faces came towards me continuously changing their expression, like a big terrifying cloud. Some faces were from people I knew, some unfamiliar. They wanted to do me harm. I realized physically I couldn’t keep them away from me, as their bodies were stronger than mine, but mentally I was the strongest of all. So I faced all of them and looked them straight in the eyes and told them that I could handle them, they were not going to drag me down. They disappeared one by one after that.

I absorbed the tranquility in the new world I was in and felt at peace, together with mystical figures who were leading the way. Faces of people I know or knew came back to me, asking me if I was afraid, like they did before in real life. I said I wasn’t. Then they started warning me for all the things they are scared for: getting robbed, raped, lose your passport, not being able to start a family, no money, no job, no future, being alone and with their words they changed the environment. I started talking to my shaman, saying people were stealing my bag and my passport. I needed the light turned on, I needed to get my bag straight away. She tried to calm me down with questions, but the feeling didn't go away. I stood up, ran around, grabbed my bag and hold on to it with my whole body for the entire night, continuously frantically checking if the padlock was still on there. It’s how ayahuasca humorously put my current reality into perspective: People continuously warning me to watch out, telling me terrible scary stories of women travelling alone, and this way making me worried about things that didn’t even happen yet. Of course I should be careful, but don’t make yourself crazy until it really happens. Worries suck up all your energy, and you need it for different things.  

I kept on being scared, I went everywhere in that room while all other people were silent. I tried to talk to them, but they were in their own world. At some point I wondered if I could ever get out of it, or maybe this would be the end of it all, was I dying? I tried to remember my friend Wouter, who told me afterwards about his ayahuasca experience, so that meant he survived it. I would survive this. 

I felt like I passed away and was transmitted into a womb: I was reborn. Just what I did with my travels: Burning all bridges of my past life behind me and entering a new, better one in which I feel 100% comfortable. When the shaman sat next to me she had the face of my mother and I knew all was fine. I let all negative energy go and could finally breathe really deep. I felt insanely happy, so much peace around me. What a great insight in my brain.

So when I woke up the next day I decided to finish it off with another, last session. The night before was a major breakthrough, but there were still some issues I wanted to address on a deeper level. The ayahuasca had different plans with me though, and took me to a hallucinated place that looked like an Alice-in-Wonderland-kind-of-jungle. As I was lying down I felt like a plant, being one with the Earth and nature, soaked up by the soil. I asked internally if I could address certain problems from my childhood and teenage years, so I could leave them behind. Then I saw rivers and streams and even became fluid myself… I saw the people who made my life miserable back then being taken away by the current. Then I understood: I already left those experiences behind a long time ago. I already came much further in life than they ever will, that’s enough revenge. I swam the other direction and felt my heart warm up. Along the way I saw my ex-boyfriend with whom I just broke up after 5,5 years. He was leading another, happy life, while I saw myself having a great life on the other side of the river. I sent all my love and positive energy to him, after which I fell into a deep sleep. 

I woke up feeling clean, detoxed and with a clear mind.

Ready for your own journey? First ask yourself if you really want this and are 100% mentally ready, because it's some heavy shit. It's no go-go-gooooo-let's-hug-everyone-party-pops, you are completely transmitted into another world. The images I used resemble true ayahuasca visions. Even though the experience is different for everyone, you won't see anything but your hallucinations, you won't be able to control yourself or your sensations and you might not know who you are or what you are. 

Still ready to go? Find a shaman you feel comfortable with (let me know if you need the contact details of mine) and start detoxing…
 

Diet, 2-3 days up front:
-          No meat
-          No milk products
-          No salt
-          No sugar
-          No lime / citrus fruits (orange, pineapple etc.)
-          No butter / greasy food
-          No fermented food (pickle, herring etc.)
-          No spicy food
-          No alcohol
-          No caffeine
-          No sex 

Basically, what a sexless vegan would look like *sad face*. I'm about to go on a 5-day mountain trek through the Chilean Torres del Paine... all alone, with a backpack heavier than myself. Wish me luck! I'll answer all your questions, comments are heads-ups upon my return!

Open your mind.

Until we meet.