My Life Story In A Nutshell

in #trauma2 months ago

I have never told my full story out of fear that it would bring condemnation upon those I care about. But I had a dream this morning telling me to expose it, felony and all. So, when I was younger I got bullied a lot for different reasons, whether it was because I was overweight, half-black, shy, or had a unibrow. I'm not exempt in all of this because I also bullied others. My dad also wasn't very nice to us. He would spank me over things that I, today, know to be trivial. But I also know that sometimes it is what is going on inside of us that drives us to hurt others. Anyway, I had some good friends when I was younger. Honestly, despite all of the problems I had when I was younger it was still way better than today(after a pandemic and recession).

When I got to be about fifteen or sixteen years old and a freshmen or sophomore in high school. I got a my first job. This was also when my mom and dad had gotten divorced. The divorce wasn't pretty and he harassed her for one-to-two years. He even threatened our lives at different points in time, and he almost choked me one time. I started getting depressed and smoked a lot of pot. For quite some time everything was fun, I hung out with friends and we were all just a bunch of fun stoners.

I got a car as a gift from my grandma and grandpa around this time. It was an older car but still driveable. However, I didn't really see it as being valuable to me. I never really liked driving when I was younger, but now I see the value in owning a car. My brother ended up talking me out of the car as he needed it for work. I resisted a little, but eventually I caved and gave him the car.

After I got my first girlfriend while working my job the weed started to bite. The first sign I had was me being shaky and getting paranoid. I started thinking that people were sometimes whispering about me. But even before this happened I sometimes thought people were talking about me.

When I lost my job, I lost my girlfriend as well. I started using some harder drugs like mushrooms, and smoking stronger and stronger forms of weed. These were things like keef, hash, etc. I also started taking supplements and steroids. I was trying to get fit and be in peak physical shape. I had lost a lot of weight in high school and was actually pretty thin. I was also taking some supplements like coq10, l-dopa, and 5HTC.

One day after getting hit on my bike and chipping my tooth, I decided I was mad at the world. I made an account on Yahoo with the username anonyblackmass. Hoping to be anonymous but still very aware that someone might track it back to me. I proceeded to basically let all my hurt out by saying mean things about people in my school and others I grew up with in a post on myspace. I felt devastated and like the perfect storm of events had colluded or washed over me. This post may or may not have ever gotten out, because I deleted it after. I was then apologizing profusely online for what I had done. There were songs I had linked to the post that I came up with on the fly. This was so the post would go viral. It seemed as though I started hearing those songs sing on the radio by various artist of 2008 or 2009. I was embarrassed at this and I didn't speak out because I did not want to get into trouble.

Then, one day I just started hearing voices. The weed was also making me feel like I was some kind of cannibal. Luckily, I got on antipsychotics and stopped smoking weed.

To be continued...

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