Protect Your Peace at All Costs - Thought Diary 06/09

“Peace is the only battle worth waging.”
― Albert Camus

Today's mood, bipolar. I guess I am just feeling happy and angry at the same time. I don't know, I am angry at almost everything happening lately and I feel happy that I can still feel.

I can't say things like I did this and that today like that typical diary. Nothing quite special except my mere existence. I decided to just quarantine myself for good. So today, I am just going to write a thought diary. Don't worry, my thoughts are even more interesting because a lot has been going on in my mind lately. It can be chaotic, running thoughts and all. I want to call it my thought adventures. It would be nice if I have a thought printer too. Sometimes I feel like there's more action in it than in real life. You know, like recalling things that I should have done, should have not done, should have said, should have killed, and should have not. I am happy that it's just all in my mind.

So I woke up today feeling okayish. I started the quarantine routine. I poured myself a cup of coffee and went straight to my fancy calendar just to see how I can make myself useful today amidst this madness. This is my grand illusion of being productive, the more I make myself busy the more I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Well, it depends on the mood actually, if I am feeling 100% happy, I am hopeful that I am getting somewhere. All this chase to get to the destination can be pretty exhausting, I am talking about goals and stuff. See, I always got to do something. I got to do something in my life. Perhaps I got to do something now that things that no longer serve me are out of the way, such as toxic relationships and an unfulfilling job. Peace at last.

My attempts to integrate myself back into the real world had failed. Nice try though. I learned that there will always be suffering and bad things. Life taught me to choose what is less painful. As I get older, I no longer have to force myself into a situation or endure things for a longer period. When my gut instincts tell me to leave, it is time to leave. So, I am back in self-isolation, thinking, and overthinking and doing some creative stuff out of it.

I realized that one sign that I've already achieved the state of equilibrium is I feel violently anxious whenever there's anything or anyone that threatens my inner peace and happiness. I've reached a point when I get too defensive of my newfound inner state. I've walked through a treacherous path just to be Here. This sense of aloneness is not loneliness for me, it is peace. Peace at last. Nothing or nobody should have the power to take it away from me. Now that is some spiritual shit.

There will always be this constant struggle to ward off all those peace busters. I think one achieves peace not just by sitting still, breathing in, and breathing out. Sometimes you have to go to a bloody war if that's what it takes to protect your peace. And if something or someone is no longer worth all the pain and suffering, it's time to let go. Be kind to your mind.