A visit to the theatre

Sometimes a trip to the theatre is all you need to escape reality for a while, and sometimes it isn't...

The business end of an hour of coffee was flying in the face of an entelical sum of its parts and growing exponentially while blowing whistles and dinging bells and stuff.

The conductor of the orchestra was fed up of taking prisoners and so raised his baton for quiet.

In the hush that followed this to see what was happening, a squashed pizza was delivered out of the blue and immediately became attached to the moustache of the trombone player who grinned a wide grin and refused to apologise.

By now the conductor was ready blow a fuse and so called for another coffee break which in the face of it was a huge mistake but at least the time away would allow him to blow off some steam in the cupboard under the stairs where the old brooms were stored.

“Meow,” said the meow cat suddenly disturbed in its hiding place by the conductor who was put-out to find the space taken.

“What are you doing here?” said the conductor coming to the conclusion he should have stayed in bed.

“I’ve been resting on my laurels of course,” said the cat and walked off to find another place to rest.

The conductor closed himself into the cupboard and then screamed. The scream reached all the way up to heaven and knocked God off his soapbox; and with a lot of spluttering God picked himself up and went to see what the fuss was about.

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When the illimitable urgency is introduced into the quantifiable space an extraordinary procedure occurs, as if by accident; because time and space are an illusion, first stipulated by Buddha two thousand five hundred years ago and now recognised by quantum physics, yet the mind in its struggle to hold on to its quantifiable boundaries when beset by the unknowable vastness of infinity and exposed in its box becomes appalled at how small it is, so much so that when God opened the door of the cupboard, the conductor on seeing God fell over backwards.

“What’s going on?” said God, his voice booming into the cupboard.

The conductor picked himself up and brushed himself down and looked at the old man with long robes and white beard who had suddenly appeared and given him a fright.

“Has anyone told you, you look like God?” said the conductor pushing past the old man to go back to conducting now that he had let off steam.

“Yes, now that you mention it they have,” said God going into the cupboard and closing the door. Moments later a huge scream blew the door off its hinges, and then God flew back up to heaven to carry on doing whatever he was doing.
A credit rating beyond measure had just bought the theatre the band were practicing in and decided to turn it into a car park and so sent in the demolition team to begin dismantling it from the inside out.

Notice had been given in the form of flyers that were delivered to another theatre by mistake and so it came as a complete surprise when a gang of ruffians began pulling up the boards of the floor of the stage and making a lot of noise while doing so.

The band carried on playing with the fuming conductor trying hard not to lose his temper, but when a big ruffian heaved a sledge through a stubborn board to create a sound like the crack of doom all control was lost and the conductor began pulling out his hair and moving in spasmodic circles and crying strange sounds an octave too high.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him do some kind of Indian dance and moving ever closer to the hole that had been created in the floor.

Unseen and silently waiting down below in the dark under the stage where the ghosts lived, an apparition that looked just like the devil was slobbering at the chops in anticipation of the juicy morsel teetering on the brink of the edge above.

“Always room for another demon,” said the devilish form beginning to reach up and accept the almost falling bag of bones.

One of the ruffians with a heart of gold threw a plank under the conductor’s feet just as he stepped off into the abyss which enabled him to stumble along it until he fell off the end to land on his back near the front row of seats.

With all his hair now pulled out and with large round staring eyes, the conductor ran screaming from the theatre to exit onto the street into bright sunlight. With his arms outstretched in front of him he ran off screaming all the way.

Thinking it to be a horror movie of some kind and maybe a really good one at that, crowds of passers-by stormed into the theatre and soon filled all the seats to the consternation of the wrecking crew who were nonplussed as to how to deal with them and so carried on pulling up the boards of the stage.

The band of course continued playing and without the conductor began to play music of an adventurous nature and somewhat avant-garde to boot.

The audience were looking on in rapt attention never having seen a play performed in such a way before and were expecting at any moment something that would scare them out of their wits.

So when a hand reached from out of the depths of the hole in the stage and pulled one of the ruffians screaming down into the dark they were not disappointed and applauded uproariously.

The ruffians thought it was just a joke and kept on working, and one by one they disappeared most horribly down into the hole.

At last only the kind-hearted ruffian was left and he was standing on the plank and aware he was the only member of his crew to be seen.

Strange gurgling noises were coming up from the darkness below him and so slowly he edged along the plank to the end and jumped off to land on his feet, and then the audience applauded him so he gave them a bow.

From the hole in the stage a devilish monster began to pull itself out and caused many gasps and shouts of fear among the onlookers.

The band stopped playing and for a moment not a squeak could be heard.

As the monster pulled itself out of the hole to stand on the plank a huge gasp went up from the audience and everyone moved back tightly against their seats in fright.

The plank began to crack with the weight of the devilish monster, and just as it was about to leap into the audience the plank snapped sending the monster back down into the depths with an appalling wailing cry.

The kind-hearted ruffian jumped back onto the stage and started nailing the boards back into place to close the big bad hole.

As he did so he sang a haunting song about a timid tart lost in the mists and trying to find her true love.

The band joined in with accompanying music and enthralled the mesmerised audience who loved every moment of it.

Later, when the curtain came down, pulled by an enterprising member of the band, the audience as one rose to their feet and gave a standing ovation.

The manager of the theatre who was working night shift now had just woken up from his sleep had caught the end of the play and decided to go see who the players were and hire them to make the rounds of other theatres.

The credit card rating beyond measure who was sitting in the wings in a shadow and so was not seen shook his head at selling the place, and drying his tears decided to keep the theatre open and perhaps put a little money into the place to do it up a bit.

The band packed up and went home after having decided to play without a conductor from now on.

The kind-hearted ruffian and the manager were in deep discussion all the way to the pub where they drank many beers and had a rip roaring night of it.

As to the gang of ruffians, they were all gone to hell and gone and were never seen again, but you can always hire a gang of ruffians when needed and so they were not a great loss.

And the conductor, he carried on running and never came back and was not seen again, but tales of a wild man in the hills of Borneo who shakes a stick at the natives do surface from time to time and is another thing used to frighten children into behaving, and in this way he passed into legend.

So ends this part of the tale of the devilish theatre with all the seats selling out months in advance.

Images from Pixabay

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