OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 76 - I Will Sleep On The Floor.

Part of our remit, here at Spunkpuppet Global Domination Incorporated, is to ask those difficult questions. You know the ones we mean. The questions that make you look like a fucking idiot. We have a dedicated team of fuckwits working day and night to come up with new and more stupid questions. The best thing is we don't even have to pay them. Now I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, there are women I pay to do that for me. There was no real point to that last sentence except to show off the fact that thanks to Spunkpuppet Globadinc I have hooker money. Oh yeah, I'm comfortably well off thank you very much. I don't have to be involuntarily celibate because I'm far too ugly for Tinder. As long as you got the money these ladies are more than willing. I see it as giving back something to those less fortunate than me. I mean I wouldn't put one of those in my mouth unless I was really desperate or auditioning for a role in a new Hollywood blockbuster. Sometimes you've got to bite that bullet though. Which is the case with our Thinking Up Stupid Questions Department. We've got high hopes for our latest one. We think it will take off on social media when we post it there. Every retard on the planet will be trying to work out the answer and will be only too happy to give it a shot. The question they came up with was : Decapitation, does it hurt? Obviously it's going to sting a bit. Everyone who's nicked themselves with a razor can tell you that. Also you're going to need a lot more tissue to soak up the blood. The least you'd expect is that your neck will be sore for quite a while afterwards. But are we talking a couple of ibuprofen or a visit to the doctor for something a bit stronger? Now for even more nonsense.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Dribble.)

"You know something?" Hermes stated as the nude Pip exited the room for her shower, giggling as she went. "You are going to have to do something about this complex you have with nakedness."
Jake knocked the side of his head with his palm a couple of times. Astounded at this intervention by an artificial intelligence.
"Firstly I do not have a complex about nudity. It's fine in the right context. Which is not the living area while I'm present. Secondly what the hell can anyone do about it?"
He instantly regretted the last part. Knowing he'd now receive some advice he didn't want.
"I'd suggest therapy or drugs. In your case I think you'll need both. Or I could do a bit of rewiring if you gave me the permissions."
He'd even begun considering that before sanity and lifelong conditioning returned.
"I'm not doing either. Why do I need to get over this complex you're projecting at me? It does no harm to anyone? I am the injured party in every instance so far."
Hermes had a comeback as Jake knew he would.
"Where you're going things are a bit different to where you came from. As in so different you'll stand out. Down here it's an eccentricity. Once you get out into The Never you'll encounter different cultures which might not take kindly to your prudery."
"That's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it. My house. My rules. She's 14 frigging years old Hermes. While I'm not her parent, I see myself as having an analogous role, which doesn't include seeing her naked."
"Yes, but if you were her father you'd have seen her naked all the time."
"That's not the same and you know it."
"In what way?" His internal devil inquired, most innocently.
"I am not going down this road. The subject is closed. Now walk me through using this food synthesizer."
"But.."
"Hush. Zip it. The subject is closed."
"Until the next time it happens. And you'd better hope it's not some place where your reaction would be seen as an insult."

He busied himself with getting a meal ready. That was a point. What did they eat here anyway? Food, of course, but what were the dishes? It was entirely possible to produce the food in paste form. The protein bars he'd been relying on for most of the time he was here were okay. No unpleasant taste. It was not the same. There was no ceremony. With Hermes help, Jake made a cup of tea. Milk and one sugar. The flavor test proved it to be indistinguishable from the stuff he'd brewed all his life. So he tried out some solids for his next experiment. A ham and cheese sandwich with mayo. That turned out fine as well. He was stuck with eating it thanks again to all those years his mother had impressed on him not to be wasteful. While he was chewing his latest creation Pip returned. Jake studiously ignored her. Keeping his eyes on the task in hand. Knowing there was a strong possibility that anyone raised by Doxy would be more than capable of spoofing him to get a laugh.

"How do I look?" She asked.
"Are you still naked?" Jake responded burying his head deeper into a console.
"No. I'm fully clothed. Oh sorry. Wait. I forgot to put my pants on. Only joking."
He didn't even know what he was looking at. Jake studied it even harder than before.
"Well now you see I've lost all trust in you. Hermes? Is Pip wearing clothes? And if you lie I'll dedicate my life to finding a means to inflict pain on you."
"As if I'd ever do something like that to you."
"Well?"
"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Are your eyes hurting yet?"
He huffed impatiently.
"One last and final time Hermes. Is she or is she not wearing clothes and if you say yes I'll broaden my search to also finding a means of making you permanently clinically depressed."
"My sensors indicate her body is covered with a synthetic cotton and silk mix. Spoilsport."
With a complete lack of confidence in either of his cohabitant's he turned slowly. She was wearing a dress. Her blonde hair, which had been tied back into a ponytail had been loosened. Golden blonde hair now reached her shoulders. Instead of the mandatory boots there were some ballet slippers.
"What do you think?"
"It's lovely. You look stunning." She was looking at him as though he were an idiot. Jake fumbled for the right words. "You look beautiful in that dress? It really suits you? Have you lost weight? I'm out of compliments. I don't know what you want me to say Pip."
She put her hands on her hips, now that she wasn't wearing her normal clothes there was no mistaking she was a young woman.
"No you fool. I put this on especially for you. Not to attract compliments. To make you feel more comfortable. Hermes told me a bit about where you come from, so I thought something familiar would help you adjust."
Now he felt awful.
"I'm not used to this type of thing. I really appreciate all the effort you've gone through on my behalf. Do you prefer food shaped food or don't you care what it looks or tastes like."
She sat down at the dining table.
"I'll eat anything. In fact there's this slug like thing on Zaphalon that looks awful but tastes fantastic. It's called a Ballack."
"I was thinking more along the lines of roast chicken, potatoes and vegetables." And that the creatures name was almost bollock. There was a lot of room for misunderstanding things here. Hermes had a point. One that Jake would deny with his dying breath.
"What's a chicken? No I'm just messing with you. It's one of the few animals you'll find in just about every human settlement."
"I'll just dial up two chicken dinners for us then. Are you aware of the concept of gravy?"
"No, but stick one of those on there if you like. I'll give it a try."
"Rather than explain I'll just add it to the mix... Where did you get that dress? Is it some miracle creaseless fabric you can keep in your pocket?"
"No. I spent some of my credits on it. The synthesizers can make anything. As long as you have a template or you know how to program the attributes in."
"I'll refund you. The dress can be a present from me."
"No thanks. I'm not going to be wearing it again. It's totally impractical. Besides me wearing it is my present to you."
"In that case I feel quite honored. Thank you again Pip."

The meal was a success despite his complete lack of small talk. Once they'd eaten she showed him how to work the entertainment system. Any of the walls could be turned into a TV screen or monitor. Including the wall that also doubled, or tripled, as a window. Any pride he felt in showing here Call of Duty was wiped away when she kicked his ass at it. Tired of being humiliated by a novice, Jake was induced into viewing an episode of Potato Hunter. A program, it rapidly became obvious, that did not originate in this dimension. Visions of the Rick and Morty cartoon show caused him not to explore any further. Potato Hunter was not to his taste. He'd have to watch several hundred hours of the thing to have any notion of what was going on. The two of them retired to their separate rooms. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept. It might even have been in the training simulation he'd spent those subjective months in. A lot had happened since then. He'd not only stepped into another universe, he'd also stepped from a life of boring academia into the adventure of several lifetimes.

"Hermes, do I even need to sleep with you working away inside me?"
"It's best that you do." His inner savior replied. "I can keep you going for weeks. The thing is that after about five days your short term memory goes and you can't form new memories. I can store some for you in emergencies. I've got limits though, not like The Consensus."
"So how do you explain all the data they've lost? I get that protecting the cities and this world from asteroids took precedence, but they should have had multiple back ups."
"It was a simplification. They use quantum storage so their capacity is near infinite. They did lose a whole lot in the conflict. Among the data they lost was the information on where they'd stored everything. Searching a near infinite backup is beyond even the Consensus. God bless them they're trying though. The problem being that computer storage isn't sticking everything in one place. Trillions of pieces of information are scattered around all over with no way of referencing them. It's like putting a universe sized jigsaw together with no idea what it is."
"I must get Pip to show me how to order up more clothes. That's if these house systems can make body armor like this."
"Sure they can. Once they have your measurements and needs all you have to do is use the interface to order up what you need. It's best Pip shows you. I know how to do it, only I don't use eyes to see. I can't describe the icons or tiles, except if you read machine code."

Jake hadn't felt tired. The moment his head hit the pillow he was asleep. Deep and entirely dreamless. At least up until he found himself suddenly right in between sleeping and waking. They were safe in here he knew. With the door locked the effort to break in would have woken the dead. Something had changed. Some sound or sensation had lifted him from the depths of slumber to the point where he could wake up if the mood took him. An arm moved over his arm, The one he wasn't lying on. A body pressed up against his. Jake could feel all that skin to skin contact. It was quite soothing. He was about to drift back off when his eyes shot open. The only thing that could be was Pip. With a strangled, yet manly shriek, he threw himself out of bed and commanded the lights to come on. She'd slipped into his bed.

"What the hell are you doing?" He demanded.
"I couldn't sleep." Pip replied plaintively.
"Why the hell not? Do you need a glass of water or something." Like whatever adolescent girls needed, that was far beyond his knowledge.
"I've spent all my life sleeping with bunk mates, and the Captain. I've slept with her hundreds of times."
The phrasing needed some adjustments, that would have to wait for now. No it wouldn't.
"When you say sleep, what do you mean?"
Pip assumed that look she used for indicating she was dealing with a moron.
"Sleep as in what you do most nights. Lying in a bed. Sleeping. I'm used to hearing others in the night. Their breathing and the smells.Even though it's mostly farts. You get used to them really easy. I can't sleep without company."
"What the hell did you do while you were hiding out?"
"I used stims. That way I didn't need to sleep, I thought someone might sneak up on me so I kept awake all the time."
From out of nowhere he became a dad.
"You've been taking drugs? That's a slippery slope young lady. Before you know it they become part of your life. You need them just to feel normal. Your whole life revolves around getting your next fix."
Hermes did the cough thing he used to attract Jake's attention when he was heading down the wrong track.
"Boss they aren't addictive in any way. None of the drugs available here are harmful. They use only hormones and enzymes that are present in the body. There's no way she could become addicted."
"Shut up Hermes. I'm having a moment here. That doesn't alter the fact she's naked in my bed. Why does nobody take any notice of my simple requirements? One of which is no gratuitous nakedness in my presence."
"You're naked." She pointed out, sitting up in bed making Jake avert his eyes.
"That's entirely different." He knew there had to be a way in which it was entirely different but for the life of him he couldn't think of it. "Ah. I'm not sneaking into someone else's bed. That's why it's different. Oh Christ no." He'd thought of a thing that was unconscionable. "Do they even have an age of consent on this fucking planet? Or am I committing some crime? I am going to your room."
Pip did some big sad eyes. Were women born with that ability? It seemed universal.
"Then I still won't be able to sleep will I. I'll only have to get in with you again."
She had a point. Not a good one to him. A very important one to her. His brain spat out, what for him was a gem.
"I hadn't finished. I'm going to your room to fetch a bed cover. I will sleep on the floor. That solves everything. Wait right here and for Christ's sake cover yourself up." He left the room muttering to himself. "I don't know. This frigging place is the biggest mind fuck ever. Don't they have any morals?"
On his return he gave Pip a long stern stare. She shrugged and rolled over. While he lay down on the floor and tried with all his might not to think about what he'd been through. He was praying Hermes could do something about that as well. He was a man. Sometimes he'd wake up with the proverbial "morning glory". She'd most definitely not even notice. He on the other hand would be mortified. He hoped whatever they were doing here happened soon. Otherwise he'd end up hanging himself with his belt.