Costa Rica Chronicles… The Food Processor

So here we are, we really did it… we moved to Costa Rica with a suitcase each and are now happily living our lives abroad. We have a motto as of late to help us when we are out and about intermixing with Costa Rica society. That is “don’t cause a scene, just blend in” motto. Haha…

This is the chronicles of @dandays and @puravidaville “blending in and not causing a scene”.

Like this piece of drift wood, Dandays and I want to seemlessly blend in with our surroundings. The universe would prove to have other ideas for us. I guess that’s what happens when we plan things to go one way, the universe usually laughs and proceeds with the opposite direction.

Remember my last post when I described a particularly annoying instance regarding my brand spanking new food processor? Well, this is the full story… blending in, not causing a scene.

We are here, we made it, and my first thought is “finally, I can go buy a food processor”. Within 2 1/2 weeks of our arrival, that’s just what we did. First, I went online and bought us a Pricesmart membership. It’s basically the Costco of Central and South America. I figured Costco carries almost anything, I bet Pricesmart will be about the same. A great starting place to look for a food processor, and almonds, I always need lots of almonds on hand.

We asked around a bit before embarking on this food processing journey. In our inquiries we found out that a local store called “cemaco” ( pronounced: see-mock-o) is a good place to buy high end kitchen equipment. The past three weeks has taught me that most things in Costa Rica are going to be double, maybe triple what they cost in the states. I believe it has a lot to do with import export logistics but that’s neither here nor there. My point being, ordering from Amazon, paying steep shipping costs, plus duty fees (believe me, it’s a thing) and maybe even import taxes, makes the $300.00 food processor I was looking at more of a $500-650 food processor. Flap that !

We decided to go out pricing items. Saturday seemed like a good day to venture into the city from our beautiful mountain top.

After a 40 minute drive, two tarifa tolls (pay tolls) and a brief discussion of where to look first, we arrived at the “MultiPlaza” of Escazú. It’s the biggest mall we’ve seen since touching down in our new country. With three floors, stores that mirror the best of any North American mall and even familiar ones like Hugo boss, Cartier, etc. the ambient voices of a gospel choir ushered us into the entrance of a food processor’s treasure trove.

First obstacle is to locate this “Cemaco” within the three story mall we are about to get lost in. With a 10 minute walk and a failed attempt at locating the store ourselves, I decide to stop at a kiosk and ask a person “donde esta Cemaco”. That’s some broken Spanish way of saying ‘where is Cemaco?’ I often wish I had more vocabulary to make my abrupt questions at least sound polite.

The girl who responded to me did so with much less enthusiasm than I and spoke quite quickly, that even my broken Spanish translating butt couldn’t keep up. I asked her to repeat herself, using as many hand and arm gestures as possible in hopes she’d do the same but my efforts were to no avail. We scampered off just as confused as when we stopped.

“Perdon. Discuple Senorita, donde esta Cemaco?” This is me trying to get the female security guards attention about 10 feet from the unhelpful kiosk. At this point @dandays is wanting us to abort mission but I was fully committed.

She turned around and responded with a rapid fire of quickly constructed Spanish sentences that could of very well been a bunch of incoherent words strung together and I wouldn’t know the difference.

This time was different though because she actually began gesturing us to follow her. Dandays is really about to abort now, but I convince him to just go with it and off we went. Female security guard followed shortly by a taller man with far too many tattoos and a shorter blonde female and her broken Spanish. It was as if the entire three story mall paused to watch us single file walk to the opposite side of the building. Not embarrassing at all 😉, and definitely no scene caused there.

We finally make it to our destination and it’s a good thing we flagged down a pedestrian taxi too, because we would’ve never found this place without her. Granted, our independent search was limited to only half of the third floor and the store was on the second floor but toe-mate-toe, tow-maut-two 🤷🏼‍♀️. We made it!

Immediately we get to scouring the aisles looking for that processor and viola… I found one. It was a Kitchen Aid brand, nothing fancy, only one maybe two different settings, and the price was well over 160,000 colones. I shook the price tag off and kept on looking. Bingo! I find a Hamilton Beach, quite similar to the Kitchen Aid with only a couple settings and no extra attachments for the whopping price of a 150,000 colones. Wiping the beads of sweat from my forehead I continue my search. Bam! A Black & Decker with all of the bells and whistles, like 5 different settings, several alternative blades, and a big bowl equipped with a smaller bowl for smaller portioned stuff. I look at the price tag and about 130,000-150,000 colones. Yes, that’s pronounced “one hundred and thirty million colones”, in Spanish the word million actually represents thousand.

I quickly pull out my phone and google whether this apparatus is capable of making almond butter. This task proves to take longer than I thought so we head out to check Pricesmart’s deals without much clarity on the almond butter abilities. Luckily, Pricesmart is perfectly situated around the corner from the “MultiPlaza” so we’re thinking we can get in and out with a decision made. Don’t you love when your shopping trips work out according to plan? Me neither 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Once at Pricesmart we head directly to where we think food processors should be and taadaa… there’s one and it’s reasonably priced. I proceed to read the box, jump on my phone to google whether anyone’s had luck making almond butter with this thing and come across the one line in a peer review that says if you’re specifically buying this to make almond butter then this processor isn’t for you, or at least it said something to that effect.

I slowly put the device back and disappointedly met Dandays in the middle of the aisle. He was checking out a toaster when I saw a shiny new juicer sitting there calling my name. For the reasonable price that it was we decided we couldn’t leave the joint without it. I became the proud new owner of a juicer that day. My friend @birdsinparadise knows what I’m talking about 😉.

I know, I know, this post isn’t about my juicer and I’ll get on with it.

As @dandays and I make our way back to “Cemaco” I’m feeling pretty good about our day thus far. I think we made a stellar purchase at Pricesmart, totally worth the $35.00 membership fee. We even got out of there with a good haul of nuts. In preparation to make nut butter (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect that to ‘butt butter or nut butt’) 🤷🏼‍♀️.

This time we know exactly where we are going in the mall so we stroll into Cemaco confidently. Walking past all of the sales people we land right where we found those Spanish speaking food processors. I fumble for my phone and get to google recon. If I’m paying one hundred thousand anything for anything then it better do what I want it to do (I know, very North American of me).

Apparently I’m taking quite a bit because I notice Dandays starting to circle me like a shark. He’s simultaneously saying “take your time” but all I can hear is the jaws sound track. I ask for his input, which made him break his predetorial circle and take off. I guess he didn’t want to be responsible for making the right decision here.

I’m still searching the web when I notice the sales guy who is asking me what I think to be “do you need any help?” My response is short and sweet “no, gracias ”.… and I continue searching. Forty minutes goes by and I still can’t find anything so I move on to the Kitchen Aid. I fumble through asking the same sales guy, let’s call him “Alejandro”, if I could see the box that the Kitchen Aid comes in. Between my broken Spanish and the translate app on my phone we got the job done.

Alex came back with the big ol Kitchen Aid box and dropped it off right by my feet. I am now standing in his department looking at food processors and my phone for the better part of an hour. Dandays is nowhere to be found… smart, very smart.

The box was not convincing me that this processor could achieve the highly sought after nut butter I was aiming for so I moved on to the Hamilton Beach. Shoot… this one doesn’t have a box either. I asked Alejandro for this box now, realizing the bead of sweat balling up behind my neck is about to become visible on my forehead if he doesn’t understand what I’m asking again. He takes off and returns with the box I was asking for. Phewwww… my nerves restore themselves to only mildly uncomfortable.

Dandays comes walking up wondering what’s taking so long and I let him know that I’m trying to make the right decision. Haha… good luck with that Puravidaville 👍. After countless minutes of skimming the boxes Spanish and trying to translate what I know, searching the web for peer reviews, a sales guy side eyeing me, and Dandays getting antsy, I settle on the Black & Decker with all the bells and whistles. I figure it has to have one setting that can emulsify nuts, right?!

We lug our catch up to the front counter to pay but not before Dandays asks Alejandro where we can find a nut bag ?

Alejandro gestures like he doesn’t know what Dandays is saying so I shuffle over there thinking my “superior Spanish” will clear things up. Dandays says “you know, to make peanut butter or almond milk” and Alejandro replies with “you can just buy that in the store”. Of course this is happening in Spanish so Alejandro could have very well said “go suck a fart from my butt” and we wouldn’t know the difference so we forged ahead anyway. Not knowing exactly how to say “never mind” in Spanish we smile, nod like bobble head twins and head over to the front counter. There always comes a point in our verbal transactions where we admit defeat and give up to try another day. Usually this is when the beads of nervous sweat begin to become evident to our conversations counter. Of course, sticking to our motto “don’t cause a scene, just blend in”.

At the front counter the cashier rings us up and spouts off like a machine gun, the price of our purchase. Dandays and I both widen our eyes and say something like “como se dice…” which literally translates to “how do you say…”. of course the cashier had no idea what we were saying because we often have no idea what we are saying. He slightly turns his register screen in our direction instead and relief washes over all of us.

As he’s running our credit card he again, spouts off something like machine gun fire, going over both of our heads. All we can get out is a collective “no comprende”. Alejandro appears from behind and rattles off similar sounding words just as fast while Dandays and I look at each other like “dude, do you know what they are saying?” At this point we might just forget the whole purchase but we still haven’t figured out how to say “never mind”.

Alejandro waves a sheet of paper in our confused faces and now there’s a line of customers stacking up behind us. We still have no idea what he wants but we both instinctually nod our heads and repeat “si, si”. I think we were hoping this would stop time and allow us to sneak out the front doors but they just told us to “wait there”, at least that’s what I thought they said. I felt like I just smoked an entire blunt to my dome and am now sitting in the middle of the class with the teacher asking me to read aloud. Deer in the head lights much?!

After what seemed like 10 minutes of waiting and a line of people staring at us, they came back with a piece of paper that had a stamp on it. We realized that it was a guarantee, either for us to never come back to this joint, or for our newly acquired appliance. Both of us muster a “gracias, hasta luego” and get the hell out of there.

We drop our big ol box of glory off at the car and walk to a parking station to pay for our exit ticket. We learned this one the hard way too. The guy in front of the bank says “hola, como esta” as we take out paid for parking ticket from the machine. It was nice not needing to ask him for help with anything.

Once I got home, I laid our entire haul on the bed knowing this might turn into a post.

Unpacking the processor I carefully take the tape off of each attachment, which there are plenty. Man, this thing is a beast with all of these little parts and a separate container to store them. I sit down and flip through the users manual knowing I’ll need some guidance in operating this beast. Skimming as quickly as possible until I have a half blind jist of how to work this thing, I pop up ready to rock and roll. As I reach into the box to pull out the base, my hand touches the other side of the box. What?! Where’s the base? Wait a minute… where’s the bowl?

“Dandays, Dandays, will you check this box out and make sure I’m not trippen”? Sure as poop with a second confirmation, there is indeed no motor nor a mixing bowl. Dag nab it… there goes my fresh hummus and almond butter today.

Being Saturday, we didn’t want to drive the 40 minutes back to Cemaco so I called instead. Nobody answered, I called 4 times. Dag nab it again. If we could only read what this small piece of paper says. Does it say “haha… suckers” or does it say “return with this receipt”. We don’t know. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Monday rolls around and we head back over to the city to reconcile this mishap. Two tarifas and 40 minutes later we are standing at the front counter of Cemaco trying to explain what happened. After NOT causing a scene Alejandro walks up to help us out. Both him and his co worker talk amongst themselves and disappear with our box. Five minutes later they return with another box that looked exactly the same but seemed to be heavier. This time they took all contents out before we left and made sure we had all of our processor. Dandays and I hurried out of there hoping to never need to go back …

I happily made some almond butter, peanut butter and black bean hummus that night. Wednesday comes and I wake up to make some more peanut butter. Standing in my t-shirt pajamas, already having poured the peanuts in the small bowl, I struggle to get the thing turned on. I reset the plug outlet, unplug and plug back in the machine, shake it a little (I don’t know, it works with computers sometimes) and finally ask Dandays to have a go at it. He can’t figure it out either. Dag nab it, I must’ve blown out the motor making my nut butters.
Alright, get showered and dressed because we need to make another trip to Cemaco today.

Dandays and I stroll into the store and the first guy we see is Alejandro. I sheepishly wave at him and he immediately walks right up to us. Dandays tries to explain, using his phone, that the motor isn’t working on our food processor and we just want to exchange it for another brand. Alejandro and associate look at each other skeptically and start pulling everything out of the box. He plugs in the machine and nothing, nada, no lights, nothing. This was an internal victory for me knowing that they see our problem now.

Alejandro rapidly shoots us with Spanish words and a lot of them, as I’m trying my best to follow and translate. I could make out about every 7th word which isn’t good. Dandays whips out his phone and begins typing just as rapidly. We all stop and stare at his phone too, waiting for these magical devices to clear everything up. Of course, Alejandro responds to the phone verbally, in Spanish, while looking at me probably because it seemed I understood a tad bit more than Dandays. I’m thinking “we are doomed”.

People are walking into the store with our little NOT a scene, greeting them. Everyone must quickly deduce that we don’t know the language and are watching us stumble through this communicative encounter. Now, I’m oddly aware of every person looking at us standing in line too. Great… the reading aloud scenario again 🤦🏼‍♀️.

“… bla…bla…bla… receipt…bla…bla”. I caught that, he needs our receipt. No problemo, I have that tucked safely in my purse pocket. Wait, damn it, wait a minute… where is it? Why isn’t it in my purse pocket? I pulled it out this morning to make sure it was there…🧐 did I leave it on the table like a moron? Shoot…

I walked over to a couch furniture display to sit down and get better leverage in the trajectory of my search. Still, no receipt. Oh my God, @dandays and I have to drive all the way back to grab the receipt and to finish the exchange. The thoughts flying through my head went something like that.

I walked back up to the counter to tell Dandays the fantastic news when I see Alejandro plugging in another identical device that isn’t turning on either. Breaking the news to Dandays we admit our stupidity to Alejandro assuring him we’ll be back in an hour, and we head out of the store without a machine, without a refund, and without a receipt. Talk about gringos…

Dandays walks over to the pay station and I head straight to the car wanting to sock myself directly in my own face. Haha… one last look in my purse, I resurrect the receipt from the depths of hell and start yelling across the parking lot for Dandays to stop the transaction. Of course the same bank guy is working out front who now knows us by name, begins to laugh a bit. Dandays comes to grab me and we head back into that mall with a vengeance.

As soon as we entered Cemaco, Alejandro tried to tell us that he got the machine to work. Dandays tells me to get another brand anyway so I start to say that “quiero otras…” which means “I want other”. I’m shocked anyone ever knows what I’m saying. Haha …

Alejandro said “no problemo” but still wants to show me how he got it to work. He puts the bowl on the base first, locks it in, making sure I’m paying attention, then he puts the blade in there, tops the bowl with the lid, locks it in place, and puts the spout pusher (or whatever you call it) into the food shoot and locks that in which then turns on the machines light. Damn it, I missed the safety piece.

Dandays looks at me like “you better keep the one you have” and I packed up my food processor to take home for the third time. Alejandro was really nice about it but this is us not causing a scene and just blending in.

Stay tuned for more daily stories of our seemless assimilation into a culture other than our own.

Buenos tardes!

Pura Vida ✌️