It's the latest episode of the Tavern!

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We did this one live on last Friday's episode of The Playhouse, and we could barely keep it together... There may have been booze involved.

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If you want to keep up with those crazy Steem Monsters, the Steem Monsters Tavern is your chance! And if you like to laugh, come on down to the Playhouse on Friday nights, the only Steem sketch comedy show!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern - “Poker Night”

By Chris Roberts

Characters

GOBLIN SORCERER - The Bartender, always around.
VAMPIRE - New guy, just doesn’t get it.
STONE GOLEM - Sitting at the bar throughout.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The Lord of the friggin’ D.
MAGI OF THE FOREST - Inventor of Monster Poker (One line)

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

NARRATOR
The Steem Monsters come to the Tavern to unwind, relax, maybe have a few drinks, but many of them still have day jobs in the Splinterlands. The Kobold Miner can be found burrowing his tunnels in the Burning Lands, the Pirate Captain spends his days pillaging and plundering on the high seas, and the Frost Giant is usually occupied with making his mountain of salt in the Water Splinter. It’s quite a sight to see him squeeze through the magic portal in the woods day after day. The Goblin Sorcerer behind the bar’s name is Frank. His day job is right here in the Steem Monsters Tavern, serving free and endless drinks to a wildly diverse flock of Steem Monsters. Tonight, the turnout is Yuge… the Magi of the Forest has apparently invented a new card game called Monster Poker, and tonight is the night of the first tournament.

GOBLIN SORCERER
One at a time! One at a time! Haunted Spider! I saw that! You better clean that up.

VAMPIRE
You call this service?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the line! Who’s this twit with the purple cape?

VAMPIRE
I’m the Vampire-

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m not talking to you, buddy!

STONE GOLEM
That’s the Vampire, Frank.

VAMPIRE
(hisses) You startled me. I thought you were a pile of rocks.

STONE GOLEM
That’s absurd. Why would we have a pile of rocks sitting in front of the bar? I’m the Stone Golem.

VAMPIRE
Mucho Gusto. So you actually are a pile of rocks?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look buddy, I don’t know where you came from, but around here we can tell the difference between our good pal the Stone Golem and a pile of rocks!

ALT + C SOUND FX - CROWD CHEERING

STONE GOLEM
I appreciate that, Frank.

GOBLIN SORCERER
We got your back, Stoneman. Speaking of piles of Rocs, you know that giant tree outside?

STONE GOLEM
The one that goes all the way up into the clouds?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah. There are like twenty Roc birds living in it now.

STONE GOLEM
I think I know where this is going. You need my plow.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You read my mind. The pile of crap at the bottom of the tree is worse than the pile of Rocs in the tree.

STONE GOLEM
I’ll clear the crap outta the way for you.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Thanks. We’ve had to keep the door closed cause, you know… the splatter.

VAMPIRE
I vant to suck your blood.

STONE GOLEM
Why would you even say that?

VAMPIRE
Vhat? I’m just making my order. I vant to suck your blood.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What the hell is with this guy?

STONE GOLEM
Joke’s on you, Vampire. I don’t have blood. Boy is your face red.

VAMPIRE
Actually, my face is blue. Vhen I blush it turns green a little.

GOBLIN SORCERER
So you had something to say about my service?

VAMPIRE
Oh, yeah. Not a complaint really. Just an observation. There are like forty Monsters vaiting in line for drinks.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What’s your point?

VAMPIRE
I had to vait like two hours to get to the front of the line. But I noticed that you’re always stopping to talk to everyone.

STONE GOLEM
And we’re glad you do, Frank!

ALT + H SOUND FX - CROWD “HEAR, HEAR!”

VAMPIRE
Anyway… It seems like you set aside ten minutes with every single customer for, I don’t know, bantering.

STONE GOLEM
It’s true, Frank. You do banter.

VAMPIRE
Yes. As though you have an audience.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s interesting. I never thought about it as bantering.

VAMPIRE
And every half hour or so that Lord of Darkness comes out of nowhere and takes over everything, completely changing the subject. That’s so veird.

LORD OF DARKNESS (from the doorway)
Alright, weaklings! Move aside, the Lord of Darkness has arrived!

VAMPIRE
See? That’s what I’m talking about! There he is, and he was just here like half an hour ago.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Make way for Goldie! Goldie’s got some news!

STONE GOLEM
The Lord of Darkness is the best!

VAMPIRE
How does he always have news? Vhy does everybody love him so much?

STONE GOLEM
You should be ashamed of yourself for asking these questions.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Get to the back of the line if you don’t know what you want yet!

VAMPIRE
But I Vant to suck your blood.

GOBLIN SORCERER and STONE GOLEM
Back of the line!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Who’s that little caped fellow?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey Goldie. That’s the Vampire.

LORD OF DARKNESS
He sure is wearing a lot of black. Is he just really emo, or…

STONE GOLEM
Oh he’s an idiot. And I think he’s your problem, Mr. Lord of Darkness.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Holy crap, Stone Golem! I thought you were a pile of rocks!

ALT+L SOUND FX - LAUGHTER

STONE GOLEM
Classic Lord of Darkness!

LORD OF DARKNESS
You’re saying that puny little dude falls under the jurisdiction of my lordship?

STONE GOLEM
Definitely. He’s Dark Eternal for sure.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I guess I’ll have to get in there with the ol’ flame whip later, show him what’s what.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Where do these new Monsters keep coming from?

LORD OF DARKNESS
These ones say they came from the other side of the world, but who knows where the next ones will come from. I have a feeling they’re gonna keep coming. I mean, the drinks are free.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, I’ve been wondering if that was a good policy decision.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I mean, it wasn’t your choice. We just found ourselves here one day, surrounded by endless and free booze.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yep, and I was right here behind the bar, so I just started working.

STONE GOLEM
And you make the best magic drinks of any bartender in the Splinterlands!

ALT + C SOUND FX - CROWD “HEAR HEAR!”

GOBLIN SORCERER
Thanks, guys. But now word is getting out about the Steem Monsters Tavern. Monsters are coming from all around to party and drink here.

STONE GOLEM
You could charge a cover. Keep out the riff-raff.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m not really set up for that.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You just gotta show ‘em who’s boss!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Who is the boss?

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s an expression, Frank. You. You’re the boss. Show ‘em who’s boss. And if you ever need some flame whip backup, I’m your demon.

STONE GOLEM
Throw another whiskey on me, would you, Frank?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Have you seen this, Goldie? He literally drinks by having liquids thrown on him. No esophagus.

STONE GOLEM
Hey! I don’t call attention to your peculiarities. Ready!

ALT+ S SOUND FX - SMALL SPLASH

GOBLIN SORCERER
See? It just kind of absorbs into his… is skin the right word?

STONE GOLEM
I prefer crust.

GOBLIN SORCERER
See, it just absorbs into his crust.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hot damn! That’s a pretty fancy way of drinking you got there, Stone Golem.

GOBLIN SORCERER
At least he drinks a normal drink. The Vampire just kept saying “I vant to suck your blood.”

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yuck. Who would want two of those?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Two of what?

LORD OF DARKNESS
The Suck Your Blood. It’s a drink.

STONE GOLEM
I’ll be damned. He really was trying to order a drink.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What’s in it?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Tequila, Rum, Worcestershire Sauce, and Grapefruit Soda.

STONE GOLEM
Sounds lovely.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Disgusting. And I don’t have any Worcestershire back here.

LORD OF DARKNESS
So where’s my friend the Magi of the Forest? Monster Poker begins tonight.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, that’s why all these Monsters are here. It’s way more crowded than usual.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Everybody wants a piece of the free action, eh?

GOBLIN SORCERER
What do you mean?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Check this out. The Magi of the Forest made some flyers and scattered them around the Enchanted Forest. Each flyer, when used as a coupon is good for a stack of free chips in the inaugural Monster Poker tournament.

GOBLIN SORCERER
But the magi said he was giving away real Seed Coins to the winners of the tournament.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, I guess the people who found the coupons just get to gamble at the Magi’s expense.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wow, money for nothing. That’s always attracts the best kind of people… I mean, Monsters.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Check this out though, it gets better. A very enterprising and unscrupulous Dragon found one of the flyers, and with some complicated Gloridax magic, he made like hundreds of copies.

STONE GOLEM
Oh boy.

GOBLIN SORCERER
He could have just asked to use my Xerox machine. I finally got new toner.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Anyway, now there are quite possibly hundreds of Monsters out there expecting to play for free, and to win money. I hope the Magi’s ready to fight off some angry plebeians.

STONE GOLEM
I thought I saw a lot of those coupons going around. And what the hell is a Xerox Machine?

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s a robot that copies papers. It came with the Tavern. Nevermind.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Here comes the old Magi of the Forest now!

ALT + M SOUND FX - MAGIC TELEPORT

MAGI OF THE FOREST
At last I have come! Who is ready for an evening of magic, entertainment, and Monster Poker?

ALT + C SOUND FX - CROWD CHEERS

GOBLIN SORCERER
Goldie. The Magi just teleported in out of nowhere. How did you know that he was coming?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I don’t know.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey Goldie?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, Frank?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Do you have a day job?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sure do, little man.

GOBLIN SORCERER
What do you do?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I hustle.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Me too, me too.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Now let’s play some Monster Poker, whatever the hell that is! I’ve got like twenty of these coupons, and it doesn’t say limit one per customer.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Alright, free money!

NARRATOR
And so the Monsters proceeded with their Monster Poker tournament, once the Magi of the Forest had explained the rules to them. Most of the players played for free through the use of the copied coupons, so there was no actual money in the evening’s pot. Although an enjoyable game, the winners left empty handed, not likely to play Monster Poker again. On the following Monday, the Magi tried again. This time, the Goblin Sorcerer put up a sign that said “Monster pay, Monster play.” That was an epic night of gaming the Monsters will never forget, and hundreds of Seed Coins were given out to the winners. Monster Poker is already finding its way into the Splinterlands! Join us next time on the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

The End

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