My Greatest Fear As A Parent

in steemitmamas •  22 days ago

This is something that is difficult to express as it is surreal. Fear as a parent, to me, like it is there, yet it is not there. A feeling beyond words can explained.

I am almost a fearless human being as general, except when stand in front of crowd to perform, I become nervous. Fearless has long gone once I become a mother. Because love supercedes fear. I don't really feel fearful per se, but I have my fair share of worries and concern.


Will the child develop well?

Will he get really sick?

Does he have enough nutrition in his diet?

Will he be bullied at school?


All these teeny-weeny thoughts which stalk us, mothers, as though our thoughts' space have so much more to cope, as though our emotions are so strong to withstand tremendous amount of worries and concerns.

And then when my 2nd child was born with a deadly congenital disease, I became fearful. Fearful of the now. Fearful of the future. Reading up more on congenital diaphragmatic hernia helped me to know better how to manage, but at the same time opened up the reality of how complicated it could be. And then more fear sank in.

image

CDH

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia...

Has become my greatest fear. It is not just the hole in the diaphragm. It is one complication leading to another. The hole caused his other organs to enter his right chest cavity. And then his right lung didn't grow. So, he has only half-size right lung. This affected the whole composition and arrangement of chest cavity, causing his heart to change angle and it is towards the right.

Moving down all the organs back was never easy. Therefore, his intestines was not in original position too. And he has no proper diaphragm causing severe reflux. Reflux leads to fundoplication surgery to tie up his stomach, then this surgery causes him inability to burp, hence pain after feeding or eating.

He is categorised under 'failure to thrive' so he is dependent on feeding tube to grow.

Just typing this doesn't help but only to amplify the fear. Fear of this and fear of that. It was endless. But the greatest fear is something which I am not so willing to say. Something that I had buried in a box and hid it deep within my heart. Something which I had surrendered to God and told Him this is Your child, and He had entrusted to me so that I can love him with all my heart. The fear that he will die young. so much courage needed to type this. No one loves the idea of a child die at young age. Even teenagers are young to me.

At his one year of age, I knelt down in the middle of the night, I gave to God my greatest fear and I prayed,

"Father in heaven, I shall not look at this fear. But to live my day on daily basis. Each day with new strength and new grace as an imperfect mom. But that doesn't matter because I have a great God. I am unsuper mom handling not ideal situation daily. But that doesn't matter too. God told me to just live my daily life with new strength, new love and new grace. And I will do fine. And when I do fine, the whole household will do fine."

Fear has since then become False Evidence Appears Real. The real one is love. Only Love Today. Love never fails. Also, I do not think of future anymore, maybe a positive future. And to always remind myself that my future is in God's hand. Jansen's future is in God's hand. Life and death is not my subject but to live my daily life to the fullest.

This is my entry for a contest organised by @steemitmamas. Thank you so amazing contest for us to express our real fear.

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Live everyday to its fullest is right, you are a very strong lady 🙏 with a miraculously determined to live son. Life is meant to be lived no matter what complications it may carry, love each day.

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Always lift me up @d00k13 ❤️

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No worries my dear, stay strong 💪

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You are a tremendously brave woman for expressing what you and your family are experiencing.

We're given tests throughout our time here, and I believe you are in line with your purpose, and have a deep understanding of the meaning of existence.

This was extremely difficult for me to read, because I understand the maternal bond that takes place with our children. It's even difficult to compose words right now, as I needed to stop reading this a couple of times to compose my emotional response.

I am unsuper mom

There is no measurable amount of perfection in a world of varying perception. I believe we are all perfect, and everything is as it's intended to be, for a very specific purpose. I would have to disagree on one thing, and say that you are indeed a SUPER mom.

I do not think of future anymore, maybe a positive future.

Living in the past can cause depression, and living in the future can cause anxiety. Mindfully embracing the moment, and acceptance of what is; in my mind, is the healthy way to exercise cognition. It's not easy at all, and it takes constant work and inventory, but you are on the right track.

"The eyes are the window to the soul".

They do not lie.

Your boy is full of light and grace.
To my fullest ability, I send my positive energy in the direction of you and your family. 🙏

Much love,
@futuremind

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This is a super beautiful comment and I read twice to absorb all the words written here. I am so touched by what you have said.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for such thoughtful and encouraging and uplifting comments. I receive all the positive energy you sent to me and my family. 🙏👍😊

Thank you @futuremind.

Thank you for sharing your posts with us. This post was curated by TeamMalaysia as part of our community support. Looking forward for more posts from you.

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Jade @iamjadeline i knew the story of this little handsome prince because we are fellow steemitmamas ( and Some other groups ) but we met at the mama’s and in another blog and dtube snap you told us and showed us how it is, to have and take care off the needs off the little prince.
I dont know what it is to have a child with this condition but Reading your story assured m that with strenght and love he Will grow up as a king

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I will have my set of challenge with a child with condition but that doesn't make me any different from other mamas. All of us mamas have a great positive challenges in raising up future Kings and queens, future great people. And you are one of the many great mamas whom I have met here. Whether you know or not you have inspired me to love and to love and to love. ❤️Thank you @brittandjosie

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WoW jadeline thats so sweet .... and you are so right the love wishing the steemitmamas is so special and my first group and discord alliance and i Will always remember that.
As for us as real time mums its great to se we all have the same fears and insecurities that helps me, and i wish that we could meet up in real life Some day....... gotta have a wish on your to do list in life right 😉
Have a great friday
Gr. Britt

Oh. No. Reading this also about your son also makes me feel sad for what this innocent and cute kid is passing through. And I also understand your pain. Be strong and be strong for him because whenever he sees you ssad, thus may prompt him to be sad. Like you said, love is greater than fear. Be strong for him and I am sure he is a born hero also. Love him.

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Thank you @adenijiadeshina for your encouraging comment and I will be strong for him😊

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Oh mama, this made me tear up! 😢 and yes, above so many fears the greatest would be for the life of the child. I cannot fathom the depths of such concern, and so we shall all speak life and life abundantly to our young ones. May the fullness of life of the Almighty cover them always. And we shall celebrate with them all the step of the way! 💓 Hugsssss

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Yes, the fullness of the Almighty. And to celebrate each day of his life is what keeps us going and also all the lovely people surrounding us. :) ❤️

Hi @iamjadeline!

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Thnak you, @improv.😍

Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by iamjadeline💕 from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, someguy123, neoxian, followbtcnews, and netuoso. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows. Please find us at the Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.

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so touch! god bless! Happy Chinese new year!

Wow I wasn’t ready for this one. I had to get myself together emotionally before responding. This brought tears to my eyes. I already knew of your situation but the way you wrote it out here and how you explained your fear was very touching.

Once we become parents it’s a whole new world, new fears surface and new worrries that we try to forget about haunt us. Your little boy is such a precious blessing and as you said his life is in the Lord’s hands. I’m so glad that you are being obedient to what God has told you, live your life daily with new strength! I love that and it is truly encouraging from one mama to another.

I understand what you said about being upsuper mom. We are unsuper and powerless on our own...but when we trust in the Lord and lean on Him we become stronger and wiser and able to do what we need to do as mothers.

God Bless you mama! I hope and pray your son will be able to live his life to the fullest and able to see his adult years! I pray you NEVER have to experience losing a child ~ 💗

To turn your fear into such a positive way of living is without doubt a true testimony to you as a mother and to your faith. ❤️