My last post was a bit sad, as it was about my alienation to society and to people.
Now I feel a lot better..!
I've been trying a few days to get a post together about my personal progress, but found it difficult to get into words.
It seems both too complicated and too simple at the same time ;)
Basically I believes it all comes down to a way to live in the present, but there's a million ways to get there.
And it can't really be pushed. I experienced that so many times. I don't know the exact way from getting to know intellectually to actually know and live that truth...
Anyway. I had for a long long time difficulties in my relationship. Not big ones, just one little constant nagging thing. The thing is that I got pregnant very short time after meeting my partner, and I let that decide that we were gonna be together, since I wasn't really sure in the first place. I wasn't in love with him like I've been with many others, but I thought he could probably be a good father and companion.
And he was. But... There was always that nagging feeling that he wasn't the one, even if I'm not sure that exists, at least I was just not feeling the amount of passion and affection as I wished for...
We talked about that problem a lot of times, and it was no secret, but we never really found a solution. For he wanted to be with me and his son and I didn't want to be alone either, so separating never really seemed attractive, also since we are different nationalities and wouldn't settle down in the other's country if it wasn't for being together, and therefore probably would be very far apart in case we did go different ways.
We almost did separate recently though, since I just couldn't do this sexual relationship that I didn't feel anymore. And we couldn't see a solution to it.. That made me feel even more lonely though, which made me write my last post.
because I could envision with him to get a piece of land and start something together, but alone with a child I just couldn't imagine taking care of a house and land and child alone...
So.. We haven't really got down to a perfect solution yet, but just suddenly, as I gave in and said stop to this relationship as it was, it opened up a lot more. I guess we are "just friends" now, but we decided we might be able to stay together anyway, as a "partnership", being there together for our son.
And it was just like a huge load was taken off my shoulders. I was all the time feeling guilty of not being able to be the "right partner", of not being able to give to him what he could so easily give to me. That I rather wanted to sleep next to my son that sleep with him..
Now I just let myself 100% feel and accept how I felt.
We don't have to have a sexual relationship, and somehow he is okay with that. At least he accepts it. And it is like our new "friendship" is just so much better than our distorted relationship!
Suddenly he is giving much more attention to our son, which I missed so much, instead of giving sexual attention to me, that I didn't enjoy.
I don't get annoyed about anything about him at the moment or take everything personal. His problems are his own and not necessarily about me, which I tended to tell myself all the time before.. What a freedom!
Well what we are gonna do is still unsolved, but somehow it is not so important for me right now. Because it somehow free'd some space for me to be able to live in the moment, and finally to fit better into "society" or at least the people around me.
Another revelation I got was that I have been missing meaningful work to do, instead of just looking after my son, which is wonderful, but tiring without breaks and "grown up time". And suddenly it just fitted together with working for the people around me, helping cleaning and gardening at the house we stay at now, which made me feel more accepted and gave me a purpose somehow, even though it's a small one.
I realised that kids really are wonderful at "taking care of themselves" watching the grown ups work and participating as much as they feel.
I think I have been missing that a bit in my childhood, seeing the adults work joyfully, and therefore I have found it difficult to find the joy of working myself..
Basically I am still in the difficult transition of growing up, it's not been an easy one for me! ;D
But I think I am getting there slowly slowly ;)
I titled this post The Freedom and Joy from Discovering Your Own Faults..! because I was intending to write about how I realised how I was thinking and doing and that realising those points where you have been acting/thinking/doing in an inconvenient way is the absolute best, because those are things you can change fairly easy and it can change everything! The problem is to getting to the right realisations! And I don't actually have the recipe for that!
Sometimes, as in my case right now, admitting and accepting one thing can start opening up all the others.
I had much more things I was thinking to collect in this post, but now after 5 days of trying to write, I have settled now with a freewrite and let it be at that! Maybe it will come out more meaningful at some other point!
Anyway, I really want to thank you steemit and especially the @steemitmamas who gave me so much support after I wrote my last post!
I was also kindly reminded of the power within, the union with God and prayer, which helped my find my center and my inner joy at being at service, which was really what I was desperately missing in my feeling of purposelessness.
Thank you for reading!