A Tutor/Parent's Tale Part 7: The Ability to Choose Powerfully Cultivates Confidence

Ola! I am back to continue this series with now sometimes input as a parent too. Indeed, I took a long break from this series and have almost forgotten that I have this in my 'book'. Nevertheless, there were particularly two scenarios that made me think more about this matter.

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Scenario 1

Recently my student, Sherene was going for a mid-term exams when she suddenly decided to take interest in Science, particularly Biology. It was quite amusing because before this, I pushed her around to spark off some interest but to no avail. Until one day, I explained to her about our interesting hormones and menstrual cycle, she suddenly got so interested and decided on her own to read up my Biology book. She began to really study, took down notes, coloured her notes and read various websites I have sent to her, not just on hormones but on many other topics as well, so long Biology-related. She scored beautifully in her exam and she was amazed by herself. Since then, whenever I talked to her about learning Science, she looked confident and knows if she wants, she can make it.

Scenario 2

My son is 3 and like most toddlers, he does watch videos on YouTube, either using my phone or iPad. When he was younger, I used to hide them away from him, noticing he can be a bit crankier when he watches too much. Recently, I tried on him again and used the "countdown timing" ("5 minutes more, 2 minutes more, okay time's up!") to let him have some opportunity to practise self-control and give screentime up powerfully by himself. When he did it the first time, I was so impressed and could not believe myself that he actually did it. He looks pleased at himself too that he did it, of course with a lot of positive encouragements from us whenever he can decide to end it by himself. I could feel he was beaming with confidence too!

Both of the scenarios above made me feel how amazing it is when confidence shines its way out from within a person!!!

Why Is Self-Confidence Important?

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I was reading this the other day when I felt like I want to just writing something about confidence building. This was from Randi Chapnik Myers' 11 tips on building self-esteem in children When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions.

Being a powerful person means the person can decide, weigh his or her options and not blame others upon deciding. It also means he or she can own up his or her own mistakes or consequences knowing that he or she can clear the mess, apologize to the involved parties and seek to find solutions to problem-solving. It means this person is able to take charge of him or herself.

There is so much self-love (not selfishness) involved when a person can choose to be powerful even in a situation that may cause him or her to feel powerless. It is like "regardless how the situations may push me, I will decide from within and not be tossed to and fro". It cultivates confidence, definitely. It makes us feel like we can do anything and yet we don't have to do everything to prove to ourselves that "freedom means we can do anything and no one can control us". Freedom and confidence are directly opposite of powerlessness when we think we need to do the things we were 'forbidden' to do just to prove a point now that "I can do it now and I don't have to care".

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Confidence may look similar to arrogance but they are not the same.

The definition of confidence goes:

confidence ˈkɒnfɪd(ə)ns

1. the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.

2. the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

3. a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

Arrogance can be a state where we feel like we are above and superior from others. Self confidence on the other hand can be just a strength from within, knowing we can accomplish anything if we put our minds and hearts to it. Arrogance may sound really loud but self-confidence may be so silent that we do not even notice it, only noticing it probably after it is manifested in some actions or outcome. Arrogance feels a need to make sure others know our authority in place while self-confidence may not even mind if others cannot see us because we are just so comfortable with our skins.

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How Can We Play A Part in Cultivating Their Self-Confidence?

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I have some people coming my way to tell me I am over-protective over my son. Hmm. Maybe I am. Maybe I am thinking hard on what type of child I want to raise too. I was talking to a friend the other day who is rather "popular" in school. She is pretty and has many admirers but that day, she was telling me she has such low confidence since young. She tried not to do anything wrong, just so to please her parents. She is the eldest child so she tried her best to behave and yet not having confidence. It resonates much with me and we both decided that we will intentionally try our best in having our children's self confidence as our best interest. Though our parenting will still be imperfect, we want to deliberately put in effort not to "rob" their confidence away.

Like it or not, we can make or break our children's confidence.

1. Have Realistic Expectations of Them and Help Them Have It for Themselves too I was reading this article by Karen Young shared by Compassionate Parenting that says that:

   As the adults in their lives, it’s important to be open to the possibility that beneath an aggressive, disruptive child, is an anxious one looking for security and comfort. If anxiety is at play, dealing with aggression as bad behaviour will always inflame the situation. On the other hand, dealing with it as anxiety will give them the strategies and support they need to find their way through, as well as teaching them vital skills that will hold them well for the rest of their lives.

Most children can have some difficult time figuring out themselves when their emotions are at play. Instead of having unrealistic expectations that they can fully understand and recollect themselves, we can help them know how to have healthy expectations. Since we adults cannot fully understand ourselves when we are anxious, what more the little ones, right?

2. Empower Them to Choose

   I often heard many of us say we do not know how to choose or rather, we are scared to choose, that includes me. To be empowered to choose meaning we let the children make some choices on their own so they can 'practise' making them, as long as it is not life-threatening. We can start by letting them choose their own clothes, their personal belongings, choose to share or not, etc. These can all be done under a very safe environment and with us, who offer a place of security to them. They can also observe us making our choices, especially when they are hard. As they learn and see that we can do it, it empowers that even in a tough circumstance, he or she can still be powerful to choose. Let them take as many healthy risks as they can.

3. Do Not Hold Back Your Praises but Do Not Offer Insincere Praises or Overpraise too

   Okay, overpraising may lead the child to wanting to please us but not praising at all is equally bad. I think we should always offer appropriate praises and not superficial ones for the sake of saying them. I think as long as we are sincere with our words, we should be saying them to our children to show appreciation and encouragements.

4. Help Them Feel Safe to Fail and Know They Are Still Loved

   All humans fail, one way or another. We will learn of our failures sooner or later. Hence, we can ssure our children when they fail with us that it is okay and it is normal that we fail sometimes. After that, they may come to us for reassurance and to pick up their confidence again. In such a safe environment, it will be completely okay for them to admit their wrongs and learn to not get all defensive about them. That is one of my goals in parenting, ideally. Failures are teachers in life and learning from them will progress us further.

5. Offer Them New Areas They Can Help At Home

   Letting them help around at home will make them feel like they can do what we do too. Isn't that what we want them to eventually feel? I am talking about simple chores like hanging and collecting in the clothes, washing some dishes or even sweeping the floor. It adds on to their play time as well!

6. Discover Their Interests and Abilities With Them

   My son loves to do the dishes and cut his fruits these days. He used to like to watch me do them but now he wants to hands-on! So, I have been thinking how I can let him try. I held his hand while doing them and then I let go. He would take in his stool or chair to be able to reach a better height and I gave him the butter knife that is safe enough for him to just let him explore on the skills a little. He enjoyed it so much and I can see his confidence boosted obviously. He always ended every session with, "I did it, Mummy!"

   
   

7. Support Them Even When It Can Be Something Not Our Preference

   Sometimes, besides the children respecting us parents or teachers, we should respect their choices too, instead of feeling that we know "better", just because we have more life experiences.

8. Converse With Them to Know What They Really Feel

   A friend of mine recently asked her girls if they know she loves them. To her shock, they said they don't think so. They think she loves their brother more. She was sad to find out but she was glad they had the conversation when she could assure them that she too loves them. I think this will definitely escalates their relationship and she makes it a point to meet their different love language. It is true sometimes we can feel not loved and we think something else looks like love on another person. With this crucial conversation, she managed to hear them and I really applaud them for their vulnerability from both sides. Thus, spending one-on-one time with them is also very important.

9. Acknowledge Them and Correct Them in an Honourable Manner

   In Asian culture, we are expected to teach our children to say thank you and sorry. I am not exempted from this as well as I too succumb to this peer pressure. I deliberately tell myself now correction is to be done in a closed closet and away from the eyes of others, as shame is a very crucial thing that can break a child. I need to remember that he is important and correcting him by pointing fingers at him in front of others just won't send my message of honouring him. I consciously say thank you and sorry to my child too that as much as he says them, I too says them. I see him being able to say it more and more willingly at his own will. It is amazing to watch this as I no longer tell him to say it for the sake of saying it.

10. Trust Them

    Respect them when they say no. I often see in my Asian Chinese culture when the adults try to exert that they know better and children know nothing. It kills off the trust and their voices/opinions. When we let them be heard, it makes them feel valued and that they can be trusted. I remind myself often to trust my son even when my heart can be racing inside that he needs that. I want him to know he can be trustworthy.

11. Let Them Know Everyone Still Needs to Learn, Including Ourselves

    Let's do different learnings with them. It will be precious to see the vulnerability together in leanring something new. Sometimes, the child may know things better and it is okay to let him or her teach us. Wearing humility and teachability while being with them will show that that learning is a lifetime process.

12. Do Not Compare Our Children with Other Children

    "Look at that boy. You see he is so obedient", "Hey, can you try to work hard like her? Look at how many As she scores and look at how many you did!" I hear this a lot in the Asian Culture. It jeorpadizes the self-esteem hard. It does make oneself feel like "Am I not good enough?" and subconsciously, we work our ways just to please the adults. Unfortunately, I have some parents that tend to highlight their children's faults with me in front of them. It is doing quite a huge damage to their confidence. It did make them not really know how to act whenever the parents are around. I have been suggesting that we try to talk another time when the children in between us. I have also some students eavesdropping when I converse with their parents behind the wall, hahaha. Then, I will purposely watch my words. We can accept that all children are different, even among the siblings. We can choose to love them as they are and they are really special in their own ways. Even if we subconsciously compare, the children can feel it as well. Try not to talk about them in front of them too.

    
    [Image Source - The Purposeful Parenting](https://www.facebook.com/ThePurposefulParentingMovement/)

    My Little After Thoughts

    
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    Okay, all of the above are the ideals and I have not achieved them all. I am for purposeful parenting while I know some are not, letting nature take its course. (Hence now you know why I get the label of "over protective" LOL) As a matter of fact, my son who is 3 instills a lot of confidence with me with his constant encouraging words, "You can do it Mummy!" whenever he wants me to help him do something hahah.

    On the other hand, I do tell myself to not constantly rescue my child whenever he is in trouble. That is something I have to do. This is NOT a manual to confidence building. I do not know it all, obviously, so these are more like reminders for myself and not imposing on every parent out there, as you may know your children better, hence why you are their parents.

    Parenting is hard. I have to say it is one of the hardest things I do because I am dealing with human beings who can be quite fragile and I intend to do it as tactfully as I can, yet not with fear. There are some things I can impact them with and I know clearly there are some they have to explore on their own, not within my hands. At the end of the day, I am looking at Connection, not perfection. I have heard of a couple who fought before their children but they also reconciled and forgave in front of them. I think this can breed confidence in the children in problem-solving. I will try to always bear what my husband says in mind:

    Does what you do send a message of connection to the child and child can know he or she is loved or not?

    Thank you for reading my unrefined thoughts. A life with confidence is always a life with so much to look forward to! Bless you with all the confidence you need for today!

    References:

    • https://www.workingmother.com/content/10-tips-helping-your-child-build-self-confidence
    • https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/how-to-build-your-childs-self-esteem/
    • https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/fear/secrets-of-confident-kids/
    • https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/boost-your-childs-self-esteem/
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

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