Just like everything in my life, I feel as though you were taken from me when I truly began to gain interest in you.

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Dear Mark Haynes,

I'm writing this letter to you in hopes that somehow you'll be able to read it. I know you've passed on, but anything is possible. I apologize for never having the courage to separate myself from my mother to have you more involved in my life. The fear of change really put me in a stagnant mindset. I live with regret in knowing that I spent summers hanging around with people I no longer call friends. The several summers that I did visit made me feel as though you were living the dream. I felt as though there was nothing wrong with your life. I figured since you didn't want to be with my mother while I was growing up, you didn't want anything to do with me either. I know that's wrong. When I visited you, I remember you asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I couldn't answer. I now understand the frustration within you because I knew that you knew my mother wasn't raising me with a determined mindset.

I hate that all throughout my life, I've lost loved ones I need the most at times when I'm becoming more cognitively aware. When I began growing older and became a teen, I lost both my grandparents and uncle all within a year. This made me realize how fragile life is. It can be taken away so fast. I was hurting from this experience, but I had not been able to grow old enough to build a real connection with my uncle and grandparents. I felt as though I was beginning to gain more knowledge of the world around me and they were ripped away from me. All of their insight and knowledge of their lives were no longer accessible. We no longer gathered as a family on holidays. Life changed as I knew it. My mother fought off depression as best she could while struggling to raise 2 children.

It hurt me more knowing how much my mother was upset than the actual passing of her brother and parents. I continued living as though you would be around forever. I never imagined one of my parents would be taken from me while I was still so young. You were younger than my mother is and more successful. Maybe you didn't feel that way about yourself.

For you to have had the health problems you did, I only believe that you were dealing with something mentally that we'll never understand. I remember all of the alcohol, but never thought of it as a problem. You deserve to drink after a hard day of work. You never got belligerently drunk around me. So I would never assume a drinking problem.
I am just so convinced now that our mindset and diet play a huge role in whether people develop cancers or diseases.

Just like everything in my life, I feel as though you were taken from me when I truly began to gain interest in you. There's no telling how things would have turned out if you were around during the times I needed you most. I feel as though my mother would be in your place right now if I had chosen to go live with you. When my mother became unable to pay bills and I had to stay with friends, I feel as though you would have came in and demanded that I stay with you. Time and timing are strange things. I never thought about it until now. Things got so bad for my mother after you had your stoke my sophomore year, that I never stopped and thought of the possibilities we could have had together. You would have molded me into the man that I need to be.

Everything happens for a reason. I just resonate on the 'what ifs'.

If I would have demanded to stay where I was even though my mother was in the situation, just to be hard headed and full of fear to leave. You could have been around and came to my college football games.

I know You, my Uncle Levine, Grandma Lillian, and Grandpa Oscar Bud played a huge role in my life.

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** DID YOU ALL LEAVE ME FROM THIS REALM TO GUIDE ME IN MY LIFE?**

So many horrible things have happened in my life that I try to forget everything. They aren't things that are worse than what happens to other people. I'm not ungrateful or want sympathy. I would just rather not think so much about the past that I let it negatively effect my life. I'm writing this to you to express to you that I understand life. I'm just curious to know why I can never get to connect, cognitively, with the people I love at times when I'm more knowledgeable.

You did what you did for me at a time that could not have been more perfect. I will never lose the love I have for you. I'm so grateful for you in everything that you've done for me. I love you father.

May you Rest In Peace!

With Love,

Your only son.

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