Friendship Palava

source

Greetings Steemit family! 👋

Friendship. One of the most beautiful things in life. And sometimes one of the most painful.
Today I want to talk about something very personal to me. Not because I am an expert on friendship. Honestly I am far from it. But because I think the most honest perspectives come from people who have struggled with something, not just those who have mastered it.
And friendship? I have struggled with it.

People compare having one best friend to having one wife. I understand the idea behind it. Loyalty, exclusivity, depth of connection.
But I don't think it is wise.
Here is my honest reason. I have never really had a best friend. The last person I came close to calling one was back in secondary school and even that was not all roses. Since then I have had a few good friends but none I would call a best friend.
What I have learned from this is that putting everything into one friendship is risky. People change. Circumstances change. Life separates people. If your entire social world rests on one person you are one fallout away from complete isolation.
Have a few genuine friends. Invest deeply but not exclusively.

source

From my own experience the few friends I have sometimes feel like they prioritize other people over me. And since they are the only close friends I have that feeling hits differently than it would for someone with a wide social circle.
Would I be jealous if my best friend constantly chose someone else over me? Honestly I think I would feel something. Not aggressive jealousy but a quiet hurt.
During my secondary school days I remember thinking I would not feel jealous as long as the friend was not spending significantly more time with the other person than with me. But that boundary is easier said than maintained.
I think the issue is not jealousy itself but what you do with it. Communicating that feeling maturely is what separates healthy friendships from toxic ones. I would not discontinue the friendship over jealousy alone. I would first have an honest conversation.

source

No. I don't think so.
Some of those friendships go back to childhood, secondary school, university. You cannot just erase people who have been part of your journey simply because you are now married.
What should change is the boundaries and the level of privacy within those friendships. A married man or woman should be more intentional about how much time they spend with opposite sex friends, what they discuss and how their spouse feels about those relationships.
Friendship can survive marriage. It just needs new boundaries and mutual respect between all parties involved.

Let me tell you a story that answers this question better than any theory could.
Not long ago I was very sick. Malaria and typhoid at the same time. The kind of sick where your whole body is telling you to stay in bed. But I still went to school that day because missing lectures was not an option for me.
I went with a friend. She paid the transport going and I was to pay coming back.
Throughout the lectures I was enduring. Every minute felt long. The heat, the weakness, the pain — all of it compounding while I sat in that classroom trying to function.
When it was finally time to go home all I wanted was to leave immediately. Get home. Rest. Recover.
But she was not ready.
She knew I was sick. She had seen me struggling all day. And yet she stood around campus chatting with other friends while I waited quietly in the sun.
I did not say anything.
I just took a bike and went home alone. Even though we were supposed to share the transport cost going back.
I was pained. Maybe the sickness amplified everything I was feeling. But it was genuinely frustrating to feel invisible to someone who called themselves your friend.
Later when I was recovering I decided to bring it up calmly and maturely. I told her everything I felt that day.
Her response?
"You should have told me. How was I supposed to know how you were feeling?"
She knew I was sick. That was not a secret.
But I let it go. We settled and moved on.
Would I end a friendship over repeated mistakes? Honestly probably not immediately. Even in past situations I have found it difficult to let go even when I clearly should have. I stayed longer than necessary because part of me always hoped things would improve.
In friendship I think I am the same. I would endure a lot before walking away. Whether that is a strength or a weakness I am still figuring out.

Quality over quantity. Always.
I would rather have two or three friends who genuinely care about me than twenty who barely notice when I am struggling.
Also communicate. The malaria situation taught me that even the people closest to you cannot read your mind. If you are hurting say it. If something bothers you address it maturely before it becomes resentment.
And finally be the kind of friend you wish you had. Show up. Pay attention. Notice when someone is not okay even when they have not said it out loud.
That one small thing can make all the difference.

Thanks for reading!

I would like to invite my Steemit friends to participate in this contest:
@ninapenda
@josepha
@sampabiswas