NOWHERE TO TURN
Sleeping all day and crying all night as the years go by stuck in this where no change makes any difference and the bloody god of it all is indifferent to any pleas for mercy.
After the first year the money ran out and then there was no more therapy or healing, no that any of the healers did any good, just took my money and then said I needed more healing; only they the healers benefited from their healing.
Being homeless and sleeping rough is no fun at all and being so alone for so long makes the depression far worse than it should be and as the years went by I despaired of ever finding a way out of it and only the thought of ending it all brought any relief.
So I put this book together in a vain attempt to understand why so much suffering has come my way.
If anyone ever reads this and are going through it they can at least know they are not the only one under the sky so huge and the night so long with a hurt so deep.
The dark night of the soul can be a wild ride full of promises of redemption and the best cure to save you where the burnt innocence of your love reaches for you on the other side of the broken bridge of dreams; and all words fall in the failure you see yourself as; and one by one all the promises turn to dust right before your eyes in the unfolding of your life as it comes to you to be burnt and to step out of the ashes anew like the phoenix rising to fly; but the weight of your darkness is a pressing need and holds you within its embrace until it has been fully consumed from within.
And then raising up you can see the first stepping stone across the river of despair; and taking it you find another and another; and it seems to any that look that you are walking on water for only you can see what is revealed to you as you step out along your way.
Your old life will call you to come back to safety and comfort, but it is not there anymore, it never really was, it was only a dream, a passing illusion you were caught in until your heart said: ‘enough,’ and would know the real, and breaking the bonds call out the heart-felt plea: I want to know.
Into the unknowing the answer will come, to look within, to turn from the illusion of all outward appearance and forms and find the peace you are looking for; it was always there, inside, buried under all the stuff of accumulating.
But it is a road of courage where all comes to you at the right time; and looking ahead see only the impossible and give up and take tranquillizing drugs or some other numbing substance and so fall beside the road and are carried off to the care home for the broken and lost.
Those who go through it and come out the other side stronger with a different perspective on life live more in the now than ever before.
Feel the pain, don’t fear it, and don’t give up even when there seems no path is before you, the path will appear and form when you are ready to walk it.
In that dark night where the soul seeks an answer and the pain is too enormous to bear and tears roll too free and solitude is where you cry from there is only one place left to go.
Into that pit then where your heart is calling. And questing down through the layers you find even fear must be left behind with all else until you arrive where you are no more to meet what isn’t there and can never be yet is everything, and the joy will be great.
Stay silent, be nothing in this place; one thought here is a command to the universe and will be instantly acted upon; better to remain silent and let the love fill you, where all pain vanishes in that light.
But if thoughts come then back you will go.
Let the mask dissolve with no fear and shine for all you are worth. All words break down in the face of this and the dance begins. Don't go back to sleep now...
Do we see only what we feel, and if what we feel is less than what we want do we look to see more; if in that looking we find only a dissatisfaction do we then give up looking and say the dreaming tree is only for fools who can’t face reality?
When the heart is tired and the game is a drag it is time to go off and be silent, to find the inner dance and dance alone where the dreaming tree is a rise and fall of the breath and all is simple in that.
It is hard to be in peace when the concern is there that your world has fallen apart, or could fall apart at any moment.
So if it seems hopeless in some nameless dread that comes calling then look to the bigger picture; you were never meant to be so small.
Images from Pixabay
The dark night of the soul
NOWHERE TO TURN