With all the sexual harassment in the news lately, it’s easy to understand why Social Justice Warriors think all men are pigs. I couldn’t imagine the shame a woman must feel having Louis C.K. wag his dick at her…The shame of passing up a perfectly good lawsuit. If Rosie O’Donnell shook her dick at me I’d be laughing all the way to the bank. Seriously women, don’t look a gift dick in the mouth. People should be glad we have the criminal justice system and sympathetic population we have now. Just like my grandma told me when I walked in on her naked after her weight reduction surgery, “It used to be a lot worse.” Here are a few historical figures the Huffington Post would have had a field day with.

Marquis de Sade

Fans of Fifty Shades of Grey should be familiar with the term BDSM. The “S” stands for Sadism. That is, “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” How many people are so freaky that they have a sexually deviant act named after them? Charlie Sheen calls that “WINNING!”

Donatien Alphonse François, aka Marquis de Sade, was a French Nobleman during the French Revolution who had “Pussy Wagon” painted across the side of his carriage. Some of his greatest hits included luring a beggar up to his room, tying her down, shoving communion wafers up her vag and raping her until she escaped out a second floor window, and jerking off on prostitutes while he stomped on crucifixes. He and his manservant, Latour, would drug hookers with sedatives and laxatives so they could huff their diarrhea farts while masturbating and them sodomize them…and each other. They put a few hookers in the hospital with some overly enthusiastic doses of roofied up chocolates. After getting served warrants they ran off with Sade’s wife’s sister, only to get arrested in Italy, escaped, and went back to France where Sade got back with his wife after a memorable episode of Jerry Springer. He would whip girls and nut in their wounds. All this barely even scratches the surface of his debauchery. Servants hired on at Chateau de Sade quickly learned “Sex Slave” was one of the job requirements. There was a pretty high turnover rate. Reportedly one of his female servant’s father tried to shoot Marquis de Sade point blank in the face, but his gun misfired.

LBJ

Lyndon B Johnson had a huge cock, and he loved showing it to people. He’d piss in the White House parking lot in broad daylight. If he was pissing in a white house bathroom and somebody walked in he’d turn around and shout, “You ever seen one as big as this?” When a reporter asked why America was at war with Vietnam, he whipped out his Johnson and said, “This is why.” He allegedly had a buzzer installed in the oval office so secret service could alert him if his wife was coming while he was banging one of the many hot secretaries his aids referred to as “the Harem.” He would also hold meetings while taking a shit so everyone knew who was number one while he was doing a number two. LBJ also liked to get all up in people's personal space and lean into them with his 6'4" frame to make them uncomfortable. It was a dick move for sure but considering he would do it to intimidate world leaders, that makes the 36th President of the United States pretty gangster.

Charlie Chaplin

If Charlie Chaplin were alive today and they made a movie about him, his character would be played by Denzel Washington and end with him standing in the street yelling, “Harvey Weinstein ain’t got shit on me!” Charlie Chaplin fucked more than 2,000 women in his life. One of them was 15 year old silent film star Lita McMurray. When she got pregnant, Lita’s parents forced him to marry her. She kept a diary about how ashamed and revolted she was by the threesomes and butt fucking she was subjected to. His response was “All married people do those kind of things. You are my wife and you have to do what I want you to do.” Chaplin and famous comedian Fatty Arbuckle would throw orgies together. Fatty got in a little bit of hot water after his fat ass crushed a girl and ruptured her bladder while raping her, leading to her death.

During casting sessions Chaplin would make women get naked and grope them while making exaggerated mime expressions…then he would throw pies at them.

Mozart

You can’t be a genius savant without being a little fucked up in the head, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was no exception. This joke pretty much writes it’s self so I’ll just let you read some excerpts from letters he wrote to his cousin Maria.

“Well, I wish you good night
But first shit in your bed and make it burst.
Sleep soundly, my love
Into your mouth your arse you'll shove”

“I have received reprieved your highly esteemed writing biting, and I have noted doted thy my uncle garfuncle, my aunt slant, and you too, are all well mell. We, too thank god, are in good fettle kettle ... You write further, indeed you let it all out, you expose yourself, you let yourself be heard, you give me notice, you declare yourself, you indicate to me, you bring me the news, you announce unto me, you state in broad daylight, you demand, you desire, you wish, you want, you like, you command that I, too, should could send you my Portrait. Eh bien, I shall mail fail it for sure. Oui, by the love of my skin, I shit on your nose, so it runs down your chin…”

He also wrote the hit 1782 party anthem "Lick me in the ass" in B-flat major.

Lick me in the ass!
Let us be glad!
Grumbling is in vain!
Growling, droning is in vain,
is the true cross of the life.
Thus let us be glad and merry!

It's actually pretty good!

Media Sources:1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7