It makes a lot of sense, I feel the same way.

I am currently in my thirties. I graduated from my twenties with the birth of my child. I have never felt protected by my husband, I am the provider of the house and honestly most of the time I behave like a single mom with two children, one thirty years older than the other. It is not fair to my husband that I treat him that way, but I do, is part of who I am: the I-can-do-it-myslef-just-fin-thank-you-very-much woman. Sometimes I do crave it (protection) and sometimes I do need to feel swept away from my own feed, I need a man to take charge. I have small infidelities in the shape of smiles and looks that say it all between other men and myself, speaking without words, but never touching, and this gives me huge sexual pleasure.

I had my shots with real infidelity, and I didn't feel guilt either, but at one point I came clean to the man I was with and I had never seen such a rush of tears. It made me pity him and the thought of his reaction kept me forever onwards away from letting another man touch me. I even developed fear at thinking about other men, because I though he would find out somehow. I developed a terrible paranoid state for many years and only recently I came out of it.

I wonder how old you are, because you sound so young. Like someone in her twenties with a soul in her fifties. It's very helpful to discuss these matters with sober and mature people. The women around me in the physical world would die before admitting they are sexually attracted to men other than their husbands, and some of them even to admit they experience sexual desire at all.