So You Want A Smile On My Face? - My Civil Service #12
Disclaimer: This is will be a long-ass rant so prepare your anus (no, not that long really, but still, this is serious business). You've been warned.
Btw, the formatting is somewhat off when looking at Busy, so in case you're using it you might want to read this in Steemit where it looks as intented.
I have a problem. I feel like my job is pointless, I've said it many times. Today I said it once again, right in front of my instructor:
"I've tried, I've really tried to do the things I'm supposed to but some of them, like arranging leaflets on a table, I just can't help but feel unnecessary, wasted by my time and effort."
To this she said: "But it is important."
"Yea, I know that's what you think but that doesn't change how I feel."
....
She decided to proceed and tell how the whole team has noticed I'm just sitting on my lazy ass on computer.
Well thank-fucking-you for this "useful" information. Now I REALLY feel like talking to my co-workers; EVERYTIME I see a co-worker, I think what they're wondering about me. How I don't do anything. How I don't greet anyone (I DO IF THEY GREET ME!!). I'm a young man who's a piece of shit. Who won't get anything achieved in my life.
You know, I used not to worry what others think of me. I still don't. But now I kinda do.
I know it's my fault that I appear as disinterested, unattractive to approach, and someone who they don't like talking. Well, I'm sorry, I'm fucking flawed person. I don't think I even look angry; I'm very aware of myself and how I look.
But when I see other people angry I don't make attributions that label them "just assholes". Most actions are up to the situations, maybe s/he's just angry or has other emotional problems - I have them all the time. It's not usually just because they want to be shit heads.
We act irrationally. I act irrationally.
That is the typical false attribution made from other people. So why do you make wrong attributions on me when I don't have a fake smile on my face every time I see you? You are social workers, you should be able to see that humans are complicatedly layered characters. Completely different what they appear. I'm no different from the people you treat: addicts, alcoholics, we're all humans. Can't you see?
I told right in her face that I've gotten depressed over this. I've been anxious. I told her I am quite neurotic. I've had problems. But all I really got from her, was that I just need to "make an effort".
I know, I've seen it on their board:
Do More -> Less signs of depression, Do Less -> Increasing signs of depression.
That is a behavioral trick that has its place, for sure, but it only goes that deep.
I experienced no real empathy from her side. Empty words, clinical way of talking; she always throws these weird smiles in between, when I'm dead serious. It just seems off.
Here I come and tell you, flash a little about some of the fears I hold, fears only the closest to me might know, and this is what you give me?
I should put a smile on my face? Make small talk to people?
Maybe I should dress up like this again, for work, and give everyone a REAL FUCKING SMILE.
(Oh, I still haven't explained to you my dear non-Finnish readers what's going on with the picture. I'll try make an English-post, it's in my to-do list now. I guess I'm a little slow.)
Did you actually process anything I just said?
Whatever; I'll suck it up and do the mindless tasks, put the papers nicely, pretend like my work is purposeful for the next 5 months I only have left my service, BUT FOR FUCK SAKE DON'T TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO CARRY MY FACE!
"I am not you! We are not the same person!"
Even though I literally said this into her face she just doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from. It's like we are in a completely different worlds of experience where there simply is no connection between us. I'm beginning to feel she doesn't see people as individuals, at least me.
I even said it directly to her when she said:
"In typical circumstances you would be fired."
Me: "That's exactly what I'd want! I wouldn't even wanna be here, I am only because I have to."
Source
Even though I still don't fell she gets me (hey, at least I made a fucking effort), I think I should thank her. She pushed me over my boundaries where I had to stand for my own. Forced me beyond my comfort zone from which I'm now much more resilient to stressful stimuli. Now I feel like I can take anything no problem.
It really was that stressful for me. Not single thing is even comparable to that experience. Anxiety before singing and playing in front of whole school? Not even close. That was only a cute little tingling in the stomach, barely noticable.
I've given her the truth 100% as it is so:
You can't wonder what's wrong with me anymore when I've made it quite clear.
And hey, she should thank me too! Now she has something to nag at home about that "stupid arrogant lazy-ass-worst-civil-servant so far who has an attitude problem".
But I don't know; you'll probably smile to your family how good of a day you've had, based on what I've seen. But of course, I don't know you, and I don't wish anything bad for you regardless.
Anyway, no need to thank me,
You're welcome,
Here's more stuff about my civil service if you for some reason would like to know more:
No, it's not all ranting like this one. There're some positive vibes too.
My Civil Service #2 - First week in the education center - The worst is already behind
My Civil Service #3 - The civil service center in the middle of a peaceful countryside
My Civil Service #4 - Mindfully increasing my life saving skills
My Civil Service #5 - I FOUND A SERVICE PLACE - The civil service center in the middle of a peaceful countryside, PART 2
My Civil Service #6 - An end with a new beginning
My Civil Service #7 - First week in the work service
My Civil Service #8 - My service was found precious right in the beginning
Lecture from a REAL PRISONER - My Civil Service #9
Extreme Mood Swings - My Civil Service #10
My Civil Service #11: I May Have Discovered My God
I am sorry you felt that way! I can understand your frustration that some people expect you to be something.
5 months looks like hell when you dislike th e thing you're doing. But you know you can do it!
Sending you a lot of positive vibes from here
have a good day!
❤️
Big thank you for your support @macchiata!
It is a long time but also I've already been there for 5 months so it's already half way there. And after that I'm not forced into anything I don't want to. No obligations, unless I set them to myself by my own will. 5 months and I don't need to see them ever again. Though the people I've met in all different units have been real nice, some of them I actually like to talk with. Unfortunately there's no common ground with me and the others in the main unit of my service. Even if the work itself is dull, it's actually the people who can make or brake it.
Hope you have good day also!
@celestal, Don't worry about that. In the next 5 months, you will remember all of this and laughed that you wrote a rant in the blockchain. I wrote a lot of rants but well keep on posting, they will eventually buried underneath other posts!
Yes, I know, all this is just a short lived passing event in the grand scheme of things. I'll take this experience now on as building my character. To expand the fitness of my personality (it really is a challenge when many things I do are against my natural tendencies). I guess good analogy would be like being forced to brush my teeth with my left, non-dominant hand. It never becomes as natural as brushing with the dominant hand, but it gets easier, little by little.
And hey, the rants are like time capsules you can look in retrospect and understand how insignificant they seem after years, and see how far you've come since then.