How to deal with anger: The Three Rules

- Rule one: We agree to acknowledge our anger to each other as soon as we become aware of it. Acknowledging anger is not venting it; it is simply communicating to the other person the state of our emotions, with out accusations or blame.

When we acknowledge our anger we are taking a positive step in solving the problem or facing what makes us angry. We speak of “acknowledging anger” a lot. This involves looking within ourselves and identifying what we are feeling and why. The importance of this can’t be stressed enough.

Look at when something that happened to you recently that made you angry. Ask yourself these 3 questions.

A. Did I acknowledge my anger immediately?
B. Did I state “that made me angry” to the other party?
C. Did I do this in a positive way? Or did I just walk away and get madder?

- Rule Two: We agree we will not vent anger on each other. “I am getting angry with you, but you know that I’m not going to attack you.” “I will not spit in your face.”

What step applies to:
Not venting our anger on each other?
Why is this step important?
What happens if we direct our anger at the problem and not at the person?
How does this formula come into play?

• Rule three: We agree to ask for the other’s help in dealing with the anger that has
  Developed. “I love you; I don’t want to hurt you.”

Why is it important for both parties to be a part of the solution?
Does the above statement apply to conflict resolution?
Do you find this rule the hardest to deal with? Why?

None of us like being either the subject or the object of anger. Working out the anger situation that develops has proven to be the “creative use of conflict.”