1st Person Accounts- Suicide Research- Interview 5

By Sheila L. Ferguson
Images Source: JealousyJane

Have you or someone you know been affected by suicide or thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts? My name is Sheila Ferguson and I have Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD. I experience thoughts about suicide. I am a survivor. Nevertheless, my trauma timeline has changed me. There are times when my brain function is so "off"- my apologies for lack of a better word- it feels so off that it can even affect my balance. I have had stress induced seizures. Mood swings. Inability to concentrate. I have had to have heart surgery to control what my heart does during panic attacks. My heart rate was documented at 268 beats per minute. Nobody wanted to believe me. I have severe fibromyalgia, which is directly connected to and a side effect of my C-PTSD. My body has been so affected by the stress and my response to the traumas. I have to take medications for my night terrors. I wake drenched in sweat and those dreams can affect my well-being for hours or even days. I cannot work a full time job. I struggle. I really struggle to want to live. Sometimes, it is all so much bigger than me, I feel unable to win against the part of me that wants to die. I've written a poem about feeling suicidal which you can read here: https://steemit.com/psychology/@jealousyjane/insight-suicidal-thoughts.

I want to live. I want to continue to survive. I don't want to be bullied and abused by the part of me that wants to die. In an effort to understand myself and others who struggle with suicide, I have decided to conduct some research in the form of interviews. I will be sharing those interviews openly as they come in, and the survivors will remain anonymous. I will be studying the responses, comparing and contrasting them to my own story, and I will be revealing my own findings as I stumble across things.

In the meantime, I hope you will find Interview # 5 both interesting & informative.

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Heeeyyy Lady! Sorry it took so long, Mom life and I knew answering these questions would take some clear thought. Thank you for having the guts to do this and just simply reaching out to help understand. Truly appreciated helping us all spread the word and spread a helping hand in some way or another with mental health. 💚💚💚

How have you come in contact with suicide? Someone you know, or yourself? My husband and father of my five year old daughter committed suicide.

Age and other demographic information you choose to provide. White 37 male born in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Two daughters. Married twice. Was a former Jehovah Witness. One younger brother.

Any formal diagnosis for the person? Yes. Depression

What can you tell me about the person and the events leading up to the suicide or attempt? Was something going on? How long? Isolated event or ongoing? When did this happen. More than once? etc. Danny was an awesome person, a laugh so awesome it would make you laugh. Very mellow easy going personality, didn’t get angry easily. He battled himself everyday in his head tho, more then anyone on the outside. He was very hard on himself, never thought he was enough. We fought for two years to get custody of his daughter from a previous marriage, ugly situation, very ugly. We succeeded and was going to begin the new longer visitation the next weekend before he committed suicide and I had just beaten ovarian cancer 3 months prior, so life was pretty normal, stressful because it was a long fight but we were in the home stretch of it getting back to “normal”. He did try to commit suicide once before he met me and his mom found him in time to call 911

Did the person reach out for help? Yes, texted a guy he worked with.

Did the person mention struggling with suicide? No at the current time

Did suicide run in the family? Did mental illness? No and Yes

Was there anything that would have changed or prevented this from happening? Maybe. If I would have taken my daughter to the doctor and he went to work instead of the roles being reversed. But I also could have come home an hour earlier and found him sooner. Honestly lots of possibilities.

What was the method? Hanging

Was there a note or planned note? If so, who was that addressed to? Family? Bully or abuser? Government? School? He left a video for me on his phone.

How did this experience affect you? Flipped my world upside down. I went from living everyday with my best friend to him being gone and still having to be Mom and now Dad. She was at home with him when he did it and I came home to find him hanging and her left alone. So we both are kinda fucked up mentally honestly. That is a whole day conversation lol.

How did this experience affect others? Made them more aware of mental health. They all thought it could never happen to someone they know, especially not Danny. Another day conversation lol

Was the person under mental health care of any kind? No, he smoked pot. And we had been out for about two weeks prior, with the 420 holiday passing it was a hard time. Sounds fucked up and simple but it worked for him.

Do you have any advice for people who experience suicidal thoughts? Reach out and tell someone.

Do you have any photos you wish to provide to accompany the story? Sure! Tons, lol. I’m a photographer so my daughter will have plenty of memories to look at of her Dad.

Can we contact you for more information or additional questions? Of course! I would love to go more in to detail. I’m sorry that I am having a hard time giving more detail but as you can understand it is truly difficult. I would be more then happy to answer anymore questions or help in any way I can! Communication is what will help us get through this experience. Good vibes your way and keep awareness alive!

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