Hierarchy Between Children and Parents Disappearing
Weve come a long way from the idealistic days of the 50s seen through television shows like leave it to beaver. Even decades later shows like the Wonder Years portray competent parents acting in the best interest for their children. For one reason or another it seems that those days have disappeared and in many relationships the role of parent had become more the role of friend. There have always been cases like this im sure, but in the modern day it seems to be much more common place and I cant help but wonder why.
If we go back to the television portrayals of families, most of the shows we see today have the fun parents or the incompetent parents. Look at a show like Modern Family, which portrays the dad as a fool most episodes. Of course its just television and this isnt reality but I think in a weird way it mimics what direction our society has moved. I see it all the time now where parents refuse to discipline their children because they want to stay their friend, but they are hurting them in the long run. Living in a world with no boundaries between parent and child is very dangerous.
There needs to be an established hierarchy between parent and child, especially at a young age so you can teach them how to behave in the world. Its hard to discipline a child if they think they are on the same wavelength as you. Its a sign of the times and how relaxed the structure has become, but I question if this is good in the long run. Do we really want children of children raising children? Sorry for the complicated sentence, but if no one grows up that is literally what we will have, a generation of people who never fully transition to adulthood.
Theres nothing wrong about being friends with your parent as long as there remains a clear hierarchy between you two. As you both get older the line blurs which is completely fine because you are both ideally adults at that point, but that should not be the case in your teens. You hear stories all the time now about parents who drink and go out with their kids or partake in other recreational illegal activities together and its very strange. This is the reality we live in and im not trying to judge just trying to understand how we ultimately got here. No doubt things changed at some point, but im curious when.
I dont know if there will even be long lasting effects of the parent-child hierarchy slowly disappearing, but I think there will be. In my opinion it will ultimately be holding back the development of many in the newer generations and a generation of adults who act like children is inevitable. There will always be outliers and you can raise your child anyway you want. I actually dont think that being too strict is the way to raise a child and at times you want them to be able to confide in you, but there always needs to be that separation. That is just my opinion though and im interested what you out there think.
-Calaber24p
Well, there was a very clear hierarchy with the previous generations, and that gave birth to the counter-culture movement in the late 60's. And we all know how that turned out, so I'm not sure it's such a bad thing for the top-down hierarchy to dissolve a little bit.
yes, you're right, I've seen some family that a son/daughter disrespecting their parents, because probably how they raise their children, for me as a parent i think we should earn respect from our children.
Weird that you'd conflate "growing up" with being on the subordinate end of a hierarchical relationship.
The hierarchy is what creates adult children. We're making progress, not going backwards.
Maybe. Im not so sure like I said. I just wanted to create the discussion. I think there are healthy hierarchical relationships that can serve as a real benefit to help someone grow as a person. However if done wrong it can be disastrous.
I guess it depends a lot what we mean exactly by 'hierarchy' here.
Like you shouldn't look at kids as your buddy or equal in the sense that you're on the same wavelength as them. But equal rules and standards would apply.
Like to me a non hierarchical relationship is you guide them and help them and show them things. (It would still be mostly similar to the traditional "parent" role.) But there wouldn't be bedtimes or things like that (there wouldn't be hierarchy in the sense of I pick the rules everyone lives by).
I think , since the means in which we discipline our children have changed...(most people don’t use any form of corporal punishment anymore) kids may feel as though their negative actions don’t really have heavy consequences. I don’t advocate corporal punishment at all. If we, as adults were to hit someone...we’d go to jail...so inflicting that on a child as punishment, seems hypocritical. I do however, think...parents in this day and age are almost afraid of disciplining their children. We don’t want the kids to feel bullied or to be scared of us. We want love...but we’re losing the respect that was given in previous generations.
Parenting is really hard, there is no one method since each child is different so while one way might work for one child that same way might push the other child away. I think there are ways to discipline children without hitting them, but at the same time you need to get creative.
I agree. I have one child who turns right around after we take away his privileges...and one who could care less! You definitely have to adapt with the personality of the child!
It needs to be a balance between being friends with your children and disciplining them. They need to confide in you, but also respect you as an authority figure. Swaying too far to either side can result in various problems.
I feel too many parents these days are worried about being friends, and do 0 disciplining of their children. Kids these days have little respect for anything.
Good topic, and good post.
I would agree. You need to be there for them and show support like a friend but if they are crossing a line you need to let them know that the line exists for a reason. As a parent you are, in the end, the decision maker.
I am raising 2 girls and i see this a lot with their friends parents. They have no disaplin at all. I am still a friend to my kids but i am a parent first. I am the head of the family and the Alpha of our family. I get tired of hollywoods portrayal of the bumbling idiot father figures. Just sad.
I dont envy you, raising two girls can be really tough, especially when they hit their teenage years. I agree with the method you are taking and yeah Hollywood's portrayal of the father figure has changed quite a bit unfortunately.
The more modern life we try to get, the more closed parents with kids should be. Thanks for your post. Have a good day/night!
good post, need closeness between parents and children.
Nice philosophy. thanks for sharing with us.hope it will be benefits to all.keep sharing.thank you.go on.waiting for your next wonderful learning post.
I think this is a very important topic so thanks for opening this discussion!
Words are just words and everyone understands them a bit differently, but I'd say hierarchy yes, authority no. People still often think kids need to be formed and shaped into good human beings, which is a highly dangerous and possibly harmful task to undertake. Kids are wonderful loving wise beings as long as they aren't screwed up. Yes they need to be ..let's say provoked in certain ways so they go out and explore, so they become sociable. They need boundaries so they feel secured by their parents and become socially tolerable. A good way of telling if that's going well for you is when other kids love to play with your child.
A child can develop healthily when the parent truly listens to the child, actually understands the child's struggle, but doesn't try to force it's development into a certain direction and doesn't overprotect or spoil them unnecessarily.
The great child-psychologist Alice Miller told the story of once meeting a very loving wise old man in the park, who was wonderfully attentive towards children, truly listening to them on one eye-level, he was emitting an atmosphere of harmony and peace. About his mother he said while looking up: "She loved life". And I think that's it right there. Most people would say "She loved me". He said "My mother used to sometimes wake me up very early, so they could watch the sunrise and the wonderful misty morning atmosphere whilst cuddling together." He said that he loved her so much in these moments. And he was still carrying this love with him as an old man, and he shares it with others. If people decide to act through fear though, and let's say demand respect from their child, the result will be conflict.