Psychology Addict # 43 | The Corrosive Effect of Time on Love

in psychology •  last month

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It was during a family gathering when uncle Jim told his wife, while delivering some sort of speech, “ ... I am committed to you ... ”. I immediately wondered why he didn’t say “ I love you”, but soon excused his gaffe as their age (70’s) and time together (nearly 20 years) dawned on me. And because they are each other’s second spouse, I couldn’t help thinking of whether it was when their ‘love’ transitioned to ‘commitment’ in their previous marriages that they decided to call it a day. After all, falling out of love is the number one reason for divorcesref.. Also, I couldn’t help recalling Juan, an Argentinean man, former neighbour of ours, who was in his mid-50’s, and on his fourth marriage when we last saw him. I felt tempted to conclude that, perhaps, Juan’s passionate love has a shorter life span than that of others.

And, isn’t the many facets of love one of the great things about it?

Love exists in many ways. So much so that Leo Tolstoy pronounced that “there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts”. Still, with regard to couples, psychologists mostly categorize love into two types: ‘passionate’ and ‘companionate’. The former encompasses intense emotions such as lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy, while the latter is more often associated with milder emotions like commitment, closeness and attachment.

As you know, love has been the talk of town for thousands and thousands of years. It truly never goes out of style. That is why so much is said about it in pop culture. For example, popular belief posits that:

  1. Romantic love metamorphoses into companionship (like I initially thought it might have happened in uncle Jim’s marriage)
  2. Popular culture also suggests that women love their boyfriends/husbands more than they are loved back.

But, because pop culture doesn’t always equal fact Hatfield and her colleagues, from the University of Wisconsin, set out to investigate how truthful those beliefs are, by means of two studies.

I Do

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In Study 1 the researchers sent a trained team to interview 33 couples twice. The first time the newlyweds were interviewed was in a timeframe of between 3 and 8 months after they got married, and the second time was 1 year after the first interview. The brides’ average age was 24, and the groom’s 26. They all had been in an approximately 2-year relationship before the wedding. The group was comprised of teachers, builders, accountants, farmers and business people.

Both in the first and follow-up interviews, the participants’ passionate and companionate love were measured through a scale in which the questions were counterbalanced, and the answers ranged from: (1) None at all to (5) A tremendous amount.

What were the results?

Ladies, I Have Good News & Bad News

I am going to start with the bad news, and will not sugar coat it for you.

This is what the researchers found:

There may be a real gender difference in feelings of companionate love. [...] When it comes to companionate love, women love their partners more than they are loved in return.

Ha! This immediately reminded me of this situation I had with my husband. I told him, “Hey baby, I will be finishing work at 4pm today and will skip yoga.” At 4pm I went over to see him, only to find out he was getting ready for a cycle ride. “Oh for the love of Christ! I said”, “What?” he replied. “Didn’t I t...?Nothing ... Enjoy your ride!” 🙄 There is no frustration that can’t be relieved by a gentle yoga-flow. So, I reached for my mat.

But, Love is Still In the Air

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Not all is lost ladies, the findings also indicate that our other halves might love us with as much passion as we love them 😏 As the results revealed no difference in the amount of passionate love reported by men and women ref..

Whilst these set of findings partially debunk the claims popular culture make about the amount of love men and women feel for each other. The subsequent findings bring important clarifications to the beliefs that time either turns ‘passion’ into ‘commitment’, or that it ‘reduces passion’ and ‘enhances commitment’.

As you could see, from the previous conclusions, both passionate and companionate love coexist. At the beginning of a romantic relationship they are both up there, off the charts. Moreover, it might not come as a surprise for you that those feelings that comprise passionate love: lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy decrease over time. As it was predicted and confirmed through the research Hatfield conducted with the newlyweds.

But ...

What about companionate love, though?

Sure time brings people together. It sure strengthens their attachment and commitment. Well, Hatfield and her colleagues thought so too. Nevertheless, they were surprised by what their results unveiled:

We discovered that time was not discriminating in its effects. Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.

This brings to mind a different piece of psychological research, also about love, that I read not long ago, where students stated to believe that if in a romantic relationship feelings related to love decrease with the passage of time the ‘relationship is not meant to be’ ref.. By putting this rationale together with what the evidence shows, one question comes into my head: are long-term relationships dwindling, because of mistaken beliefs and unreal expectations?

A sudden vision of Juan’s (our Argentinean acquaintance) fourth divorce and a possible fifth marriage just popped into my head.

Is Love Always in a Bear Market, Then?

The best way Hatfield found to check this out was to conduct a similar study (Study 2) with older people, who are either married, or had been in a long term relationship. The literature shows that whilst previous studies found that for elderly men and women love is the primary factor for a happy marriage, the territory of love and intimacy in older couples has been little explored by researchers ref.. So, off Hatfield and her colleagues went.

The participants this time were 240 women whose average age was 54 and average relationship length 33 years. Here, however, the women had to answer questions that investigated the levels of feelings they felt for their partners as well as the level of reciprocity they perceived back. The results revealed a possible shift.

At the same time no gender difference was observed in companionate love at this stage of a couples’ life, the authors found that:

women perceived that their partners loved them more passionately than they loved their mates

But, caution is needed here. Note that unlike in study 1, in study 2 the levels of love felt by men was not evaluated through a direct report from them. Rather, it was analysed based on their wives’ perception. This could be pointed out as one of the limitations of this research. Still, assuming these women’s evaluations of their partners’ feelings towards them was accurate, Hatfield proposed this difference in passionate love observed in older couples, results from what men and women see as more important later on in their relationship. With men regarding intercourse and body caressing more important, and women seeing talking and being affectionate as such, instead ref..

In view of this, the authors attempted to explain this phenomenon through suggesting that the passionate feelings of men go down at a slower rate than that of women. Unfortunately, however, this notion does not match that of evolutionary theorists, who argue that in evolutionary terms sexuality arises from youth + beauty, for men; and from power + position, for women.

The Market of Love

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There are quite a few limitations in this study, and as the authors themselves observed, in order to evaluate more accurately the changes in the levels of feelings of both women and men throughout their time together, these measures should be tracked over a long span of time; preferably via a longitudinal study.

In spite of this, personally, I think this overall study delivers two important pieces of information. The first is that women out there not only are, but feel passionately loved by their partners, which for me deflates the women = victims of love image that the media chooses to portray more often than not in series, movies and soaps. Most importantly of all, however, it raises awareness to the fact that it isn’t only the flame of lust that needs to be revived every now and again, but that of companionship too.

Further still, above all, this study serves as a great insight.

You see, my husband once told me that successful investors are those who diversify; so then, when market X is on a bear trend, market Y might be bullish, therefore lending a solid foundation to the overall investment, allowing the investor to sit tight preventing desperate decisions from taking place. I think this same approach applies to the market of love. If, let’s say, the market is down in the business of intimacy; well, it might be time to invest in closeness and friendship (this might even serve as a vaccine against resentment). In the same way, if passion is at satisfactory levels, but there is no true companionship in the relationship. It might be time to just sit, talk and have a laugh together.

Findings like this should not be seen as discouraging; particularly by the romantics out there. Rather, they should be perceived as invaluable insights, insights that help us keep a tad more realistic about what to expect from our romantic relationships and what the future holds for them.

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Reference List:

Tolstoy, L., & Margashack, D. (1961). Anna Karenina. New York, New American Library.

Hatfield, Elaine, Pillemer, Jane T., O’Brien, Mary U., & Le, Yen-Chi L. (2008). The endurance of love: passionate and companionate love in newlywed and long-term marriages. Interpersonal 2(1), 35-64.

Langeslag SJE, van Strien JW (2016), Regulation of Romantic Love Feelings: Preconceptions, Strategies, and Feasibility. PLoS ONE 11(8): e0161087.

Image Source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5


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Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post once again. 😊 I will have some time off next week, and heard on the grapevine that cycle rides are not going to get in the way 😏 So, I put my negotiator skills in place and promised less time on the computer in return. This means I will only be back posting on my blog in September.

I wish you all a great end of the month.
Take care & much love to you all.
🎔 🎔 🎔

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Great piece Abi, once again!!
Love is a real puzzle, I doubt we'll ever figure it out, but I have some questions after reading your post:

When it comes to companionate love, women love their partners more than they are loved in return.

  • Could this be because women become mothers, so it's more "natural" to feel the need for companionate love, as the husband turns from a romantic lover into their companion in the difficult task of raising a child. It could make sense as their passionate love "lowers" over time, when obligations arise. Women feel the need for safety, when they see their man is there to protect them and/or fight side by side with them, he becomes something more than just a prince Charming ((just one point of view)

Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.

  • Yes, as then dull things like, "Have you paid the rent?" and "Oh, another family gathering with those obnoxious cousins of yours again?!" become more or less a routine, doesn't this have to do anything with that? (again only one point of view)

men regarding intercourse and body caressing more important, and women seeing talking and being affectionate as such, instead.

  • Different hormones and different psychology. And still, the fact that some people are not good with words, are hard to open up (even in long term relationships and even when they do love their partner) may be misinterpreted, right? (Since the second study took only the women's answers into consideration)
    The fact that someone feels uncomfortable with telling you "I love you" does not mean they don't necessarily love you. Sometimes just being there, holding your hand and patting your head gently is enough to know how they feel about you. Oh! And the eyes, the way they look at you can't lie.

I also loved the market simile! Clever one! ☺️

Aaah, enough with my ranting now. Have fun, enjoy your break and make sure you do what is best for your "emotional investment" Abi! We'll be waiting for you!!

Lots of love and positive thoughts!! 😘🤗♥️

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Hello smart-girl 😊 this is an impressive comment you left me here.

The correlation you made between passionate love with obligation in your first point reminded me of what Adams and Munro (1978) say about levels of passionate love observed in newlyweds, which is lower than that seen in dating couples and those in a long-lasting marriage. They put his down exactly to the 'distribution of roles' which is higher early on in a marriage.

The boring details of day-to-day life can truly corrode emotions. As your point 2 examples illustrate!

You last point is a very insightful one. You approach the situation from an evolutionary perspective, but you also give space to subjective emotions. Because emotions are subjective. It reminds me again of what Tolstoy says "there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts". I suppose it is for each partner to understand the other partner's loving style. As you pointed out, some people love through words while others love through gestures :)

Glad to hear you liked my analogies 😅

Thank you for your kind wishes 😊 You too enjoy the week ahead creating, photographing, researching and practicing all your talents.

Much love to you always, always my dearest! 😘 :)

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οχι που δε θα ειχες ερωτησεις!!!!!....στο τελευταιο που λες με βρισκεις απολυτα συμφωνω παντως...τι να τα κανεις τα λογια οταν εχεις τις πραξεις....καλημερα!!!

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Ε τι να κάνω, τόσα πράγματα μας λέει εδώ η Άμπι για να πιαστούμε και να σχολιάσουμε! Θα σκάσω αν δεν ρωτήσω! 😜
Πολλές φορές τα λόγια είναι περιττά. Οι πράξεις, οι "κινήσεις", ακόμα κι οι χειρονομίες λένε πολλά περισσότερα....

Καλημέρα-σπέρα και καλό ΣΚ να έχουμε!

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True. I sometimes become frustrated by women's many demands for words. And I'm the intellectual type, it's not like I'm word-shy! But I find that just caressing someone, holding them, just being with them, communicates so much more. At least to me. Maybe to others it's not much different from holding a broom! :D

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We somehow find it reassuring, although repeating the same thing again and again 10 times a day can be tiring and cause the words to lose their meaning in the end. (Το πολύ το κυρ-ελέησον το βαριέται κι ο παπάς, που λέμε)

We need to learn and appreciate the way a partner loves us and not ask them to do things way beyond their capabilities. As long as their loving is not toxic to us (and neither is ours to them).

Is it Friday, already??

Another interesting read - psycho-philosophical with scientific discussion! What's not to love about it? :)

I could only add that we should not be so obsessed with finding "the one", or looking for "the one we deserve". Unconditional love could only occur if true friendship between two individuals is present. If there is no friendship - there is no love. Only attachment and benefit.

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Ahahah @dysfunctional, you are SO witty! 😃

Looking for "the one" or "the one for me" can be a frustrating search, indeed. Particularly, because, those who tend to embark on such journeys are the ones who tend to hold huge expectations and unreal ideals, I believe.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this long post and participate in the debate my dear. I hope you have had a chance to rest during the summer.

I am really looking forward to my break :)

Bye, bye for now and take care.

It's been a while I read your long post and now you are going off till September? Ouch!! Anyways, everyone needs a break now and then..

If, let’s say, the market is down in the business of intimacy; well, it might be time to invest in closeness and friendship.

You are so right! but people just tend to go into their shell when a part of their relationship goes down, that's probably the reason why your neighbor married 4 times.. I know that passion and compassion are important but i chose compassion anytime anyday, because it will help hold a relationship when the lust disappears..

Thanks for sharing.. Do have fun.

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Ow @nmalove, it is nice to see you around :)

Yep, lack of intimacy can truly go from being a minor issue to the problem that actually dives people to separate. And, the way I see it, it is mainly because, like you said, people just go into their shells and brew resentment for the other partner, making their own lives ever more difficult. And then, here it come the point you addressed, when this happens there is little compassion left. It truly becomes difficult to move on from there.

Thank you for your nice wishes!
You too have a nice time and some fun during the coming days.
Take care :)

After some time running, you and your partner can begin to see and focus on each other's shortcomings. This is what makes you sometimes forget the reason why you are attracted to your partner when you first meet.

If you feel that the relationship is starting to be approached by boredom, then try to fix it.

Start with praise, when you see your partner, the first thing to do is give praise. No matter how much you want to complain about a couple's delay when picking up, start by praising it. At first it is not used to it, but the longer it can help restore your sense of interest with your partner.

Enjoy the power of touch, touch does not always mean sexual activity. A small but sincere touch can actually describe your affection. For example, when a couple is tired of driving, you can give a small kiss or just caress his shoulder. The power of touch can rebuild the feeling of love for you and your partner who had disappeared.

Make a date schedule, if you usually run out of time with friends or go to a salon, you should start providing time for you and your partner. Try to schedule your date, and make sure to keep the schedule. Too often meeting with a partner can also be one of the causes of boredom.

Don't be too serious, live this relationship casually, don't overdo the problems that come into your relationship. Too serious when undergoing a relationship can also be a reason for the tension in your relationship and your partner. Learn to laugh more and don't be afraid to make fun of yourself.

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Thank you for sharing your insight and elaborate reflections here with us Jamal. You have left many, invaluable tips on how to build connection with a partner. I appreciate it very much :)

Love is one of my great research interests, but unfortunately I haven't been able to indulge in it as much as I'd want to.

I think there's a real lack in the literature regarding it. There's research here and there that compartmentalizes it, but there's no equivalent, let's say, to 'sex differences' that takes the topic from all angles (feminist, biological, psychological, evolutionary, etc.) and brings it all together into one field. It's strange, considering that, as you say, "love has been the talk of town for thousands and thousands of years", and it's ever-present in pop culture (music, movies, etc.) One would think there'd be a field devoted to it by now.

My view since age 16 or so is that love doesn't exist. At least not the romantic kind we were brought up to want. And I'm still struggling with this knowledge.

Helen Fisher in her Why we Love states, if I recall, that the average span of passion in a relationship is 4 years or so, enough for the baby to grow and become somewhat independent. Love is just nature's trick to keep a couple together to care for a child.

Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.

It's impossible to love someone more in the beginning than later, since you know them less in the beginning than later. So, the question is, what/who exactly did they love more in the beginning? The answer is, I think, the idealized version of their partner, not their real self. There's an important question in there about whether, and how much, we'd be able to love someone if we knew their real self.

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From what I can recall of my fuzzy memory is that romantic love is a relatively new concept. Birthed in the Late Renaissance ... Romanticism stays for muse, fine arts, thinking about life and it's meaning, watching the stars etc. etc: leisure time

I guess we humans coupled also the performances on the theatre stages with the notion that those feelings of pleasure which other people can give ourselves should be extended into the intimate realm of two people. Since there was all this cultural leisure times available for a relevant amount of people (aristocrats and leaders) things were born, unknown to peoples before that time. As aristocrats (elites nowadays) were high influentials the culture changed and the intimate love was created.

I think love has a much larger meaning and realm than this romantic two-people-thing. Take love between a mother/father and the new born, love for nature and its creatures and love for all sentient beings (the Buddhists do distribute). It's relational. The classic couple and marriage is just one part in this huge system. It's related though to all other parts.

It's impossible to love someone more in the beginning than later, since you know them less in the beginning than later.

I'd say the better you know yourself the better you already know the other. You even know the strangest stranger just passing by on the sidewalk. But of course, getting to know the other also means to watch his habits, his speciality in doing things and perceiving the world. As this highly differs in every individual on a subjektive level, the only one who is being tricked by the differences and suffers from this differences, is again: you. We know already of the constructing mind, don't we?

Dis-appointments arise when I miss the point in time to meet the acknowledgment I can develop towards my mans self-view and accept that he might not be where I am in time and maturation process. Talking helps including serious questioning and deep interest in the view of my loved one. One could call this interest in the (well)being of the other already "love". Conflicts are the spice of a relationship where I can either succeed or fail. Where friction happens, the potential of mutual understanding is always there.

Sorry, I let myself being carried away :)

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Thanks for the comment!

It's a story one often hears these days, about how 'romantic love' was concocted in the 18th century or thereabouts. But I'm pretty sure one can find pretty romantic tales much earlier than that. Helen of Troy and whatnot. ... Dunno, I'd need to look much more into that, but from personal experience, it seems unlikely that all the things I feel/felt is a result of cultural brainwashing.

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Did it sound like brainwashing to you? It was not meant in that sense. What is felt by me is resulting from a mixture of cultural influences - some of them I might be not aware of, some others I am - and my choices leaning on what my preferences are in developing a love affair towards intimate and people in general. Would it be correct to say that this also counts for you?

Sorry, no vote, I must recover.

Stay well.

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I didn't mean it in reference to your comment, but in reference to what I feel other writers or commentators are saying, for example this video.

I was actually thinking last night when I lay down to bed, that I remember having my romantic feelings from very early on, from my earliest "sexual" fantasies. It's possible I was influenced by (Russian) fairytales my mom was reading me, but then again I don't remember any fairytales having anything to do with sexual love.

Overall, I'm inclined to think that most of it is innate rather than external, just like most of our inclinations when it comes to sex/love.

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Approaching love from the different angles you presented here would be a most interesting study to conduct! What a great book such content would make. Perhaps one we could write together 😏

Alexander, I couldn't believe when I read your personal views of love.

I have discussed this extensively with my husband, and some peers and even written something about it.

love doesn't exist. At least not the romantic kind we were brought up to want

I didn't have this insight as young as you did. But, this is something I have realized in my mid 20's through observing the way my friends and family members (and myself) approach relationships; an not only the start of relationships, but their ends too.

As for your last paragraph, I am pleased about the way you elaborated your first statement further. And based on the people who I have talked to over the years, I concluded that, that is very much the case. Love decreases over time, largely, because the 'ideal person' the individual gets married to becomes more and more real with time.

Sometimes, it seems to me, people have a real agenda. I've seen it in my family. They want a partner, a house, children, etc.. etc.. and getting that for some people comes first than actually getting to know someone who you could potentially really love for whom they are, and not for fulfilling a role that meets social pressures and expectations.

Have a great weekend :)
All the best to you always.

Very interesting studies. Intuitively, it makes sense to me that the researchers found that both types of love decreased over time.

I really like your investment analogy though. I think that investing in companionship (i.e. friendship, communication, fun, play...etc) when romantic intimacy is low, allows the couple to continue to grow together and develop stronger bonds with one another, which is important. I think that a lot of relationships fail in the end because people stop maintaining their bond - they stop communicating and enjoying each others company and in turn, they grow apart.

I personally tend to think of love as an adaptive trait for our species and as something that has evolved in us, for child rearing purposes and also more recently in our history for social reasons. There may be dissonance between our marital expectations and the realities of our relationships because our innate drives haven't yet caught up to the rapid changes faced by society. For instance, marriage itself is not a natural phenomenon, animals in nature do not "get married" and sign contracts and all of that jazz. Marriage is a social construct that comes with a lot of rules and it is also maintained by things that exist beyond the natural emotions of the couple (i.e. money, careers, housing, etc). All of these things influence marriage and often make it even more binding than the feelings and emotions that the marriage was founded on.

Anyway, I kind of rambled on lol. Great article as always! It really got me thinking :)

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Hello there @leaky20 :) It is nice to see you around!

I think that a lot of relationships fail in the end because people stop maintaining their bond

So true. While within a couple bonding also takes place through intimacy, there are other venues that need equal attention too. Only through solid companionship and closeness a couple can overcome, for example, intimacy issues without having to go through too much awkwardness and resentment. This seem to be something that people either don't seem to understand, or if they do they forget all about it.

However, you can see how intimacy issues can unfold, when, there is disparity in companionate love! It is complex.

I 100% agree with your view of marriage as a social construct. When situated in the timeline of human history; yes, it seems like it is something in which we are still at beginners levels. Further, the unreal picture that is constantly portrayed by the mass media confuses our ideals and concepts.

There is an interesting study by Dr Bjarne Holmes, which I brought up on another comment as well, his research was on the role Hollywood romantic movies play in influencing peoples relationship's expectations. The findings are incredible (especially the ones regarding intimacy) People are so naive!

money, careers, housing, etc). All of these things influence marriage and often make it even more binding than the feelings and emotions that the marriage was founded on.

Yep! This can be seen from a positive angle or a negative one. Negative when they become the sole aspects keeping two people together. I have come across quite a few people (mostly women), who are unable to leave an unhappy relationship because of monetary issues. But, positive when it regards couples who manage to get up and go, and build things together :)

Thank you for this wonderful comments Leaky :). I am very pleased to hear this post have sparked some thoughts !

I wish you and your wife a wonderful weekend.
:)

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The study on how Hollywood and the media shape expectations sounds very interesting. I'll have to check out that comment. I can totally see that being the case thought. I remember how movies and tv shaped my expectations in life when I was young - prom, dating...etc.

Thanks for the response and well wishes. Take care :)

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Awesome piece again Abbey.

"Time"; they say; happens to everything. But in the context of love and relationship, and as humans, it is our absolute prerogative to figure out ways to turn "time" into our ally.

But this:

We discovered that time was not discriminating in its effects. Both passionate and companionate love diminished slightly over the course of the first year of marriage.

Left me wondering: People have been saying that the "wine" gets sweeter as it ages (okay, that's a proverb in this part of the world). But by inference; they meant that it should get better with time.

Well, I guess that's where the place of responsibility comes into play. But again; there are more things to these than could be seen peripherally. For example; there are areas that are not covered by the field of observable science, which could also have effects on love, companionship and all whatnot - even in this part of the world, some people have attached weird spirituality to areas of love and relationship. But like I said; it isn't in apposition to science, so it can't be researched upon :D

I really found this piece educative Abbey, thanks for sharing

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Sammi!! I love, love, love your observation about wine 😃 there is some real true in your proverb. In real life though, there is more to it than the sweet aspect of the wine. Time plays a part in improving its overall quality :) But, you see Sammi, this will only happen if the bottles or barrels are well kept and preserved. Just like in romantic relationships, those which improve with time, are the ones that have been preserved and carefully maintained! 😊 But, like you said, it will only happen for those couples in which the parts take the responsibility to turn time into their ally :)

I am very pleased to hear you found this post educative my dear.
Wishing you all the best always.
Lots of love :)

I think the expectations of Love became marred when Madison avenue absconded with it for applications to laundry detergent and deodorant.

I think people in many things, including Love, have high expectations and look for perfection which indeed is a recipe for unhappiness. Even 'happiness' in modern terms is a sort of recipe FOR unhappiness.

I don't know I think if one can live somewhere between romantic and realist on the foundation of pragmatism, they might just find a sort of balance.

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Hello there @donnadavisart :)

Great comment! I think high expectations might also stem from lack of understanding. For example, Dr Bjarne Holmes from Heriot Watt University in Edinburgh, conducted a laborious, but very interesting research on the role Hollywood romantic movies play in influencing peoples relationship's expectation. The results are incredible. People are so naive!

And of course, as you observed, this permeates other aspects of people's lives too, including the incessant pursuit for happiness!

Thank you for stopping by.
I wish you a wonderful weekend :)

I like the correlation you drew on the love and smart investment. It just drives home the whole idea of love in times when people are not feeling the blues as much as they'd love to :)
Thanks a lot.

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Thank you Green :) I have come across a lot of people who have a very narrow view of what the foundation of a relationship is. And while intimacy truly is a core foundation it if far from being the only one :) I am very pleased to hear you liked my analogy.

I hope the weekend is not going so fast for you :P
All the best & take care ❤

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This weekend is slow, may be it is because I'm extremely busy.

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Hello miss Abi, how are you today? Well, im happy to read this blog because i can relate becausei havea partnernow.
Well yeah, love is really broad and that it really depends on somebody how to explain or define what love is.
Time really has its effect on love, probably both positive and negative , in my case i can say that it's just balance , romance , lust ,excitement , arguments , companionship. But definitely , along the way, you'll discover a lot more things about your partner , some might make you love him more , some might disappoint you, but in theend it would still be up to you to convince yourselfwether you will stay by his side despite his imperfections.. and i believe thats what love is. ❤️❤️❤️

I'll be misisng your post. i'll try to get on discord to leave you message anyway. enjoy your break time from posting . Thanks you again for your never-ending support. God bless you more andmore and your family. We love you much miss @abigail-dantes 😘❤️❤️❤️

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Hello my dear @zephalexia :)

I like how balanced your view of the toll time takes on love is! You said it has a positive and negative effect. This is a very smart ways of approaching love. Even more so for you (us), who are in a long term relationship.

I believe the couples who manage to have a successful relationship are the very ones who can see things through this light: Not letting the negative stuff cloud what is good ! Nice one :)

It will be lovely to receive a sweet message from you during my break ! 😘❤️

You take care!
Lots of love to you and the minis.

Those were some interesting statements from the interviewed couples. Thanks for supporting us with them.

It's indeed a topic many people think about and of course, always there is the question of the secret when couples stay together for a long time.

As I see, people were really interested in this topic from the comments!

I hope, I am not too late with mine:) which is a long one. For some reason I cannot make short ones! LOL!

Have a good time out, dear Abby!

Today we have a relationship of two and expect a lot from this single person. This poor single person must fulfil many roles, be a generalist. You feel like being interlocutor, advisor, the sports friend, the chef, accountant, the craftsman, the sexual partner and so on.

Many traits must be found in a person in this day and age. You have to be particularly good at talking. Since couples usually do not work together but pursue their professions separately, one has to find time for conversations at some point. Updating each other, because eight hours and more means that you have to give the other person a picture of what you have been doing all day and which topics are important professionally at the moment.

Basically, you are an individualist who simultaneously enters into a bond. Since only man and woman live together and other adults live somewhere else, they fall out of the roles mentioned above and are not available for the many concerns in everyday life. That's quite a load for two adults.

If you look at the factual conditions of a couple and then at the system in which they move, you wonder whether "family" as a definition still fits at all. Two people operate in external systems - work - and then return to their internal system at the end of a working day, their home. While they work during the day and are involved in professional tasks, they are supposed to be private people again afterwards. However, this division into work and private life does not function this way. People are social beings who unconsciously expect orientation from other people and train their social behaviour in a group. These groups are work colleagues (or fellow students, trainees). A lot of privacy therefore takes place in the office or elsewhere.

Basically, we modern couples need much longer to get to know the other really well, because a great aspect of our personality and competence comes to bear in the working environment. Which we do not necessarily live out in private. As long as there are no children who contribute to the adults getting to know each other very well through their parenthood, couples have to retell their absence and give the other a halfway real picture of themselves, so that the other can understand what kind of person you are outside your own four walls. Some would be surprised how different their partners act in their professions compared to their intimate relationship.

Moving confidently and authentically in the respective systems is certainly a challenge. Who you are is defined not only by your self-image but also by the image of others, here the effects alternate with each other. Therefore, work is also a kind of "family", but this is not what it is called and is not wanted in many areas, while it is particularly promoted elsewhere.

We really do have multi-relationships, but they are much more difficult to grasp than our two-way relationship and often suffer from the lack of relationship commitments. Work colleagues can leave each other at any time without being blamed for abandoning each other. However, this is seen differently for family members and couples. Much therefore shifts into the couple relationship and it has to carry a lot.

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Hello Dear Erika :)

It is never late to hear from you and your always valuable insights.

Today I was particularly interested in this part:

we modern couples need much longer to get to know the other really well

I happen to think that even though modern couples perhaps take a long time to get to know each other well, they do it to a greater extent than did couples 50, 100 years ago. When women wouldn't dare to share the burdens of household chores, child rearing, or even their own intimate feelings with their almighty husbands.

Work colleagues can leave each other at any time without being blamed for abandoning each other.

I suppose this is because of the different sorts of bonds that hold them together :)

You take care :*

Isn't it beautiful when it is love...
I think love changes over time. At first it starts with the romance, the kisses, the candle nights etc. But with time, these things are no longer the priority and it drifts into commitment.

When it comes to companionate love, women love their partners more than they are loved in return.

When a man and a woman love, I guess what they are thinking is different. A woman might think of compassion. She obviously needs that to be able to take care of her children and even the man. But a man may think of love in term of his ability to provide for his family.

Have a great time...

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Hey there @mr-aaron :)

Thank you for stopping by. I like the explanation you proposed very much. And I think this is something that stems from evolutionary processes. It is truly down to us to learn to live peacefully with our differences as males and females. I suppose. Learning to do this and being aware of what to expect can truly go a long way when it comes to the well-being of a couple :)

I wish you and your girlfriend a wonderful weekend!
:)

Wow love hasn't always been my strongest angle maybe it's because of the Africanism aspect, since I was 19 I've had three women in my life and I must say I really didn't pay attention to the kind of women they are, what they really wanted, how they feel and whatnot.

The thing is women are a whole kettle of fish and you need to understand them in order to know know them and when you know them then you know if your relationship is passionate or companionate.

Women are better lovers in most cases I can attest I use to have a girl who wanted us to become sometimes, but I needed her to speak to me, but she didn't, she showcased this with her body, her eyes and everything, but I felt it was still nothing if she couldn't speak to me, I found out later that she's told most of my friend how she felt. I wondered why not talk to me then? But like I said earlier the Africanism aspect mattered. She didn't want to feel cheap asking a man out and it made me lost her she wanted a companionate and both passionate relationship and it could kill me both but she was a woman who cared for me, wanted me to succeed in life so we could spend our lives together forever.

But the point was that she turned out to be a great woman but I ended up at a villain not asking her out and nobody blamed her for not asking me out.

She hated me all her life for this, but well after I read this I discovered I watch too much soap operas, not paying attention can be detrimental.


I'm so blessed to read another Friday thriller from you @abigail-dantes, see you in September then and have a thrilling time 😁😁
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Oh no @josediccus, what a situation !

Thank you for enriching this debate with the notion that local cultural values weigh hugely on relationships too, for better or worse, though!

It would be also interesting to find out how much her personality stopped her from talking to you. You know, if we were to explore her individual responsibility in it all? It sounds all a little frustrating! :/

But, like a clever young man that you are, you seem to heave learnt a lot from that experience. Paying attention is truly important. Particularly in relationship.

Thank you my dear for stopping by and sharing your story of love with us. I am certain others will learn from it too 😊

All the best to you.
Enjoy the weekend!

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Yeah in the end it all boiled down to the factor of culture for her situation and even if I'm not conformed to the cultural idea having effect on relationship I can't change a girl's notion because it's the background upbringing she got from her father. In other words, I respected it and valued it.

Cheers! Abigail, be sure to tell about the beautiful delicacies you'll be having when you come back in September.

I like the way you ended it, that findings like that should not discourage the hopeless romantic like me! Lol, I'm so hopelessly romantic and I love also the fact that we should do analysis at times and invest in what's not working! Thanks for the info

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Hello Dear @peachyladiva :)

I am so glad to hear your opinion about my ending. Even more so after you said you are a 'hopeless romantic'. As I was writing the study down I thought, Jeez ... this is all so doom and gloom, I better put a nice conclusion together! This is not what I wanted to convey 😂 all I want is to raise awareness. And here you are, kindly taking the time to let me know you got my message! Thank you :)

I wish you a wonderful weekend ahead.
All the best to you :*

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Thanks alot!

Interesante articulo @abigail-dantes, a medida que pasan los años las parejas en algún momento han tenido que experimentar el tedio de la rutina es aquí donde hay que implementar tácticas para que el amor apasionado no se pierda porque a pesar de las obligaciones y compromisos siguen siendo una pareja y hay que reservar tiempo para ellos, para que una relación funcione tiene que haber un equilibrio entre el amor acompañado y el amor apasionado. Pienso que si se termina el amor apasionado la relación se vuelve monótona y gris.

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Hello @livia28,

I think that passionate love is the big key in a relationship, for sure. However, I think it has dangerously becomes the sole focus of attention. There can be no sustainable intimacy if there is no closeness and affection between a couple. I believe. I believe a relationship turns gray when either passion or companionship ends :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :)
Best.

successful investors are those who diversify

Your husband is a smart man. That's why I have diversified my feelings as well. In my opinion, no single person could ever satisfy every last piece of your personality - so one has to look for several persons instead.
I don't think passionate love is something one should always aim for, since it's often accompanied by dumb stuff like jealousy and control. The goal should be able to love without having the need to exlude other people or to tell a significant other what he's supposed to do. It's not a competition. Not at all.

If a person I care for decides I'm worthy to spend time with - that's amazing. But if that person wants to spend time with someone else - I'm happy for that person, since she is feeling good as well. Feeling miserable about other people's life choices just because they don't necessarily include yourself, is a childish and self-centered behaviour I deem highly toxic to your own and others mental well-being. We are not entitled to someone elses attention. We don't own other people. Or to put it simple:

Poly.png

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no single person could ever satisfy every last piece of your personality

This is absolutely correct Ego :) Although, I'd like to propose other alternatives to 'resorting to several persons' in order to achieve this 😊

  1. Be realistic and not hold such expectation.
  2. For those who wish to have a long-term relationship, it is wise to look for someone who can satisfy the personality needs required to build a life together.
without having the need to exlude other people or to tell a significant other what he's supposed to do

I am addressing the latter part of this sentence. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Imagine how many communication problems would be prevented if we didn't need to tell our other half what to do, or be told the same thing in return. Except that, no one has a direct line to our minds, emotions, feelings. Just expecting people to know what they need to do, especially in relation to us, is a road to frustration.

I entirely agree with the whole idea you shared on your second paragraph Ego. It is our responsibility to ourselves to understand that other people will not always meet our expectations. But for a relationship to work and be healthy there must be mutual compromising. And for those who are not willing to do so, well ... there are many other alternatives in life that can bring people a sense of belonging, companionship and also passion :)

Oh ... by the way, I had to show these images you shared here to my husband; who, of course, found hilarious :P But, I'd like to say that even though I am in a relationship I don't look like Gollum 😛

Take Care Ego,
Much love to you :*

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Hm. I think, I disagree.

Be realistic and not hold such expectation.

This is evident, of course. But this is neither an argument for or against my/your case.

For those who wish to have a long-term relationship, it is wise to look for someone who can satisfy the personality needs required to build a life together.

This largely depends on how you define the phrase build a life together. For most people this may include marriage, children and living together. Since I detest children, think of marriage as an outdated and pointless ritual and enjoy living with people I usually don't see or speak to - none of the mentioned things holds any value to me.
Hence, for me this term is quite irrelevant. I don't aim to build a life with anybody but me. I need to figure out how to build my own life, before I could even dream of doing this whole thing with someone else.
The thing is: I don't really enjoy being around other people all the time - which will be difficult, if you life with somebody you care for. But I do enjoy just being alone and doing my own stuff. I want to do things on my own terms and not because somebody asks me to or I feel the obligation to do them, because otherwise the other person would feel miserable. I don't want that. This is why I don't like compromises. It's a lose-lose situation. Why should I do things which make me feel bad?
For example:
You live with a partner together and your partner really enjoys to go out and do stuff outside. But you are the exact opposite - you hate outside activities, find them usually dull and boring, not even mentioning the people you will probably have to deal with. Even if you go outside to make your partner happy - you don't really enjoy that. It's kinda ok, because you do it to make someone else to feel good, but it's not something you feel good about yourself. And your partner knows that. This is dumb situation and nobody wins, but eventually feels bad about.

So, how to solve this? Easy. Don't expect others to share all of your interests and look for more people who share various kinds of interests you have. Your partner enjoys going outside? Great! He should do it with someone who enjoys it as well then. Problem solved. This way, everybody wins. You can stay inside and enjoy being alone and your partner can still be outside and have fun with other people.

Obviously, I like to spend time with people I share certain interests with, but if some of our interests don't align very well, it's alright. They don't have to. It's ok to do things independently and/or with other people who share the same desires.

Except that, no one has a direct line to our minds, emotions, feelings. Just expecting people to know what they need to do, especially in relation to us, is a road to frustration.

Again. I disagree. I never said anything about such an expectation. Not a single word. Because it's utter nonsense and you just made it clear yourself. I said, we should not tell others what to do - not expect them to know what to do. That's a huge difference.


And regarding the picture...it's more about how people look inside during that time ;)

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Hm. I think, I disagree.

Ahahahah Ego, the day you tell me you agree with me I might throw a party! 😉

Plus, we both know that particularly regarding this topic (monogamy + long-term relationships) we hold different views. And I would like to remind you here that I am not trying to convince you that my perspective is the absolute right one. Although, it is indeed the right one for me 😊

And you are absolutely correct when you point out what building a life together means for most people. Personally, for me that dind’t include having children (I don’t detest them, but never wanted them either), or getting married in a church and all that palaver (not my thing). But, despite all our personal differences, I thoroughly enjoy living together with my husband :) I suppose this is because we are both willing to compromise, to negotiate. We are getting better at it with time, as well. Otherwise it would not work.

While I sometimes feel I am on the loosing side, sometimes I also feel I am on the winning one. Without, of course, seeing the whole process as a competition. Because it isn’t. It is about finding a balance where harmony and respect are always more present than resentment. So then, throughout the years, we feel more often like the guy leaning back on his lazy chair on the beach, than like Gollum 😅

I trust you are taking good care of yourself Ego :)
Lots of love to you always and forever 😘
ps: My husband also sends his regards!

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I guess, the party will have to wait a bit :)

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@abigail-dantes, Love and Relationships are those subjects which is pursued by many individuals but, this is so simple but at the same time most complex subjects to understand at times.

In my opinion, there are one situation for both subjects which can push towards the Diminish Of Love and Broken Relationships and those are, in case of love if people hold just Attraction Of Physical Appearance and in case of Relationships If people hold only greed of financial and material aspects.

Love always an absolute subject but our perceptions and Situations can change them, and here comes one more subject and that is True Love and Strong Relationship and no matter how many difficult times occurs, an relationship never diminishes and inturn it will going to expand in aspect of Bonding.

Life or any aspect of life is simple if we hold thoughts of simplicity. Life and aspects of life will be complex if we hold the Complex Thoughts and too much greed towards the Materialistic Holdings.

Wishing you an great day and stay blessed. 🙂

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Thank you for, once again, sharing your insights here on our debates @chireerocks. You are right, love could be approached from a simple perspective; but so many things, as you said, like materialistic values and physical appearance get entangled with it making it appear that love is what it is complicated. Oh! 😅

Have a great Sunday and a wonderful week ahead my dear :)

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Welcome and thank you so much. 🙂

If, let’s say, the market is down in the business of intimacy; well, it might be time to invest in closeness and friendship (this might even serve as a vaccine against resentment). In the same way, if passion is at satisfactory levels, but there is no true companionship in the relationship. It might be time to just sit, talk and have a laugh together.

I am kind of lost here, i think intimacy is synonymous to closeness and friendship especially with lovers, also companionship as to sit,talk and laughing. I might be wrong though. If you could shed some more light.

My comment
Thank you Abigail for this detailed and insightful write-up. The first paragraph of your write-up touched me where Uncle Jim said, " I am committed to you". From my own point of view the challenges are structural. First, I think the reason why love depreciates in marriages as years go by lies in few sources.

  1. Commitment and modern society's stress on personal fulfillment.
  2. Reality existence- conflicts are inherent in a relationship where decisions about finances, sex, childbearing and many other issues are repeatedly made.
  3. Highly romanticized notions of togetherness, bonding, soulmates and togetherness fade as everyday conflicts happens in marital life.

Until both parties; newly weds or elderly men and women see relationship and marriage as a form of commitment (a project committed in your care) that is the only time, they will stop jumping in and out of marriage. Just like your neighbour who has married like four times.

The common underlying factor is marriage is a school for us all.

Have a great month ahead
Thanks

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Hello Turpsy 😊

Here we go ...

If you could shed some more light

You know Turpsy, I have numerous times, talked to people (these are mostly women) who are regularly intimate with their spouses. However, due to a tight routine, work schedules etc... they don't really bond in other ways. That is what I mean by that :)

I could not agree more with the notions you presented here, as some of the reasons why both romantic and companionate love tend to decrease over time in a long-term relationship.

I liked No.3 in particular. I have talked to lots of people who think life is like in the Hollywood movies. This is why I think it is important to raise awareness about these sort of topics.

Thank you very much for you amazing feedback and kind wishes.
You too have an amazing moth ahead.
All the best to you and to your family :)

Ohhhh I will miss you and. Your post ms. Abi, but. I'm sure you won't be absent in eriting if it is not for important things,

About your post,

I just heard the companionate and passionte from your blog, i thought that when you feel the love. It is all the same,

Me. And my husband had been together for 21 years and i can feel that we equally. Love. Each other, but when I gave birth, i can feel that his love. For. Me was. Not that 100% anymore like it used to be, some percentage was given. Yo our son, which is great for me, cause I want my baby to grow sorrounded with people full of. Love.

Sorry again ms. ABI and thank you for. Your never ending. Support....

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Oh! I am glad to hear my post taught a little thing today my dear @avhyaceulip :) But, yeah! Why not? Romantic love can all be the same within a couple. It is just that, sometimes, psychologists like to complicate things ;)

It is so nice to hear how harmonious your family is. You seem to have a very beautiful, loving family unit. You certainly do a great job as a mum, wife, housewife etc ... congratulations to you my dear!

I will just have some break to rest. I am going to have A LOT of work from Sep. until Christmas. So, I just want to accumulate a little energy :D
😊

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Wow thank you so much... I'm doing my best to give thebest in the world for my family....

Excited about your write ups from sept. - december.... Have a great day as always thank you ms. Abi... 😘😘😍😊

This was not a long post. I could have kept reading. I think we always want to understand ourselves and love goes to the very heart of who we are. I do have a problem, as you do, with the reliability of a study that depends on indirect reports (wife's perception of husband's feelings).

As a student of literature (comparative literature) I appreciate the references to Tolstoy. However, it's ironic that though his quotes on love may be apt, he was not a good model in the area of marital love. So much for understanding ourselves.

While I read this piece I tried to reference it to my own experience. I'm pretty sure everyone else did, also. It's what made the blog so interesting. There is a grain of truth, I believe, in @alexander.alexis' comment: in the beginning we love the person we think we see, often a reflection of what we want to see. If we're lucky, there's enough truth in that initial impression to hold us over the rough patches when reality sets in :)

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Ow @agmoore, thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave yet another wonderful comment on my feed! Yep, we do hold the same opinions with regard to the wives reporting about their husbands feelings for them. However, we can still get some valuable information from that 'the fact that they feel loved'. I find that particularly interesting.

I knew about the troubled relationship Tolstoy had with his wife. Apparently they were very different in many, many ways. I remember reading before about her dislike towards his personal views of wealth and social status. I didn't know that she wrote a diary about their life together, though. And, considering how much I love him, if I get to read it, it will be painful to see his dark side 😅

This is so well put

in the beginning we love the person we think we see, often a reflection of what we want to see

but, if I may, I would like to add one little thing :

... or, the person we expect they become.

As I have seen in many, many cases!

I wish you a wonderful day ahead dear @agmoore.
Take care :*

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You're welcome. Your insight, gently offered, often brightens the day.

I've been married for a long time now. My husband and I have shed so many skins, gone through so many stages. Yet, from time to time, we remind each other of our naive selves and the pieces of those selves that remain. We love those memories, and, as you say, the people we have become. But between then and now there were major challenges.

As for Tolstoy. The classics helped me get through high school. I needed a wider view of the world than my home or community gave me. It turns out, the people who wrote those books were less wise than I thought. But I can accept that and still appreciate their genius. It's just startling, and disappointing, when an icon steps off the pedestal and assumes human form.

I appreciate your comment, and your warm wishes. I look forward to reading so much more from you. But until then, enjoy your vacation!

Hello @ruth-girl

What's a well written product of research work.

While agreeing with the various results of Hatfield surveys, I wanna add that I expect marriages to be turbulent during the first year as the parties are still learning themselves, and adapting to each others ways of life. I think that explained why both passionate and compassionate loves diminished in the first year of marriages. Then as the couples master themselves, their love for one another is rekindled once again. I think that was why both were found to increase once again after some years, as the couples, having adapted to one another, began to to appreciate each other.

@sciencetech
STEM contributor

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Hello there dear @sciencetech :)

Your insight is SO accurate! I actually shared with Ruth-girl a study that supports your idea of why love oscillates throughout a long term relationship:

Adams and Munro (1978) say about levels of passionate love observed in newlyweds, which is lower than that seen in dating couples and those in a long-lasting marriage. They put his down exactly to the 'distribution of roles' which is higher early on in a marriage.

You are ON it @sciencetech :D Well done :)
Thank you for stopping by!

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Really. That's great to know

Hi @abigail-dantes!

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Thank you very much for your invaluable support @utopian-io :)

Hello @abigai-dantes

Despite the load of information revealed by this piece of research findings as to how love is affected by time and how much love different genders feel towards each other, I think, judged logically, the opinion of evolutionary theorist are more acceptable to me than Hatfield's redult.

...this notion does not match that of evolutionary theorists, who argue that in evolutionary terms sexuality arises from youth + beauty, for men; and from power + position, for women.

I totally agree with this than Hatfield argument.

All the same, I think the findings of Hatfield will provide insight to couples as to how they feel towards one another.

Regards

@eurogee

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I agree @eurogee, I would go a little further and say that not only how they feel towards each other; but also, what to expect :)

Thank you for taking the time to stop by my dear!

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Welcome

Thank you dear Abigail, once again I enjoyed reading your piece and found it amusing. Laughter is the best medicine and also has the same impact on long relationships. I will quote to you regarding men v women in the love stakes: "He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle" Ring Lardner. - I rest my case!

hello hello once again abigail! i was out for vacation and missed quite some of your posts but i am here now! Let's get started cause the topic is quite interesting especially for me that i like observing different kind of mindsets.

‘passionate’ and ‘companionate’

Wow I didn't think psychologists use this categories for love, i use similar ones on my own but with a bit different interpretation. The first one the passionate , i call it blindly in love and the companionate one i named it logical one Let me explain now how i think of it a bit deeper, i warn you though it will be another huge comment :P

Blindly In love (passionate) is what i consider short term relationship. That means that one or both of the people included don't use their brain at all and "follow their hearts" That results in some great very passionate moments of their lives but temporary ones cause time changes everything and you may hear arguments like "i am getting bored" "you are not as you used to be" "we don't have fun anymore" "i found someone else that make me happy"

The companionate one again in my mind is when people start using some logic on it and don't go yolo to everything. That means that they choose a person for a long-relationship that had tested out before by just talking and making long conversation in order to learn a little bit about their lives. Also they talk with that person for every issue they have and try to solve it together.

The key is what i call understanding and trust. That means that both the male and female must understand that everything changes and nothing can be the same as the time passes. It won't be like the first day they met cause probably after a while they will have learn everything about each other, and they won't have many new topics to start talking about. Also it's possible that there will be a day routine cause of their job, sharing the same house or having kids. There both the man and the woman should have patient and understanding of the whole situation and always remember what they love about the person they chose to spend that much time together. (That doesn't mean that both of them should stop trying to make a nice surprise or showing their love and affection for each other)

About the ''i love you" sentence that everyone thinks of it as a big deal is bullshit. It's because of those fairy-tails and millions of tv series and movies that we have the illusion on making these 3 words equal life or death, heaver or hell situations. It's a bunch of words that show affection towards the person that you are with nothing more nothing less, and it's really easy for someone to notice if the person saying that to them means it or not.

Finally, i will use some real examples based on what i am witnessing watching people of my age and their relationships. ( for some reason everyone is very open with me and always share their stories even if they not know me that well :P)

Most of people that are 20-28 that are in university or doing a master's degree face the same and same problem all over again. Their relationships don't last, and the main "argument" is "i am bored".

That happens because at the start of the relationships most of them were just students but later on an internship, or in general a part time job took place. That means that they won't spent so much time or travel around, be everyday till the morning out etc etc cause they have responsibilities now. There it is, the number 1 break up issue, Never understand the other side and only think about themselves call it immaturity of age or maybe passionate love at the beginning or simply stupidity :P

Nice parallel with business market, but we should be careful - if we start investing too much on one front, 'the market' on other front can be shut down in time and those two fronts are complementary and can't exist one without other. Trick is to keep everything in balance.

You did great post Abi, as always. It's pleasure to read your blog :)

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Hey there @nikolanikola :)

It is nice to see you here once again! Of course, your point is very important and valid too. Keeping things balanced is where the talent is :)

Thank you for stopping by :D

Hello @abigail-dantes

This is an incontrovertible fact about love and time. Though is quite a long one but i had to pick few lines that pick my attention.

Love exists in many ways. So much so that Leo Tolstoy pronounced that “there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts”. Still, with regard to couples, psychologists mostly categorize love into two types: ‘passionate’ and ‘companionate’. The former encompasses intense emotions such as lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy, while the latter is more often associated with milder emotions like commitment, closeness and attachment.

Now when you said;

passionate feelings of men go down at a slower rate than that of women.

How true is this?

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Hello @microlead :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment!
I find interesting that you, as a man, find that statement truthful! Maybe Hatfield was onto something (despite that fact of not having her idea supported by evolutionary theorists :)).

Best.

I will need a clear 'morning head', on me to comment on this post... and so will wait until tomorrow morning...
An interesting read...mmmm....

( ...good of ya to make it...three weeks in a row?)
😂 😂 😂

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Ha! I am replying to the comments now and have already seen your feedback. I might be replying to it tomorrow morning, only :) And please senhor, this is the 4th week in a row. 4th! 😏

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😂😂😂

4..? really? Ok, I believe you...let's call it 4...

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I might be replying to it tomorrow morning, only :)

...I only just got that! lolololol ( 5 hours later...)

Love! Love!! Love!!! Most talked of word in the history of mankind. When it comes to love between a man and a woman, men always want to have the feeling of being in control, while women on the other hand, want a man to always communicate his love to them, this the man must do till death do they part. In most cases love for each other might dwindle over time, but commitment is required to keep the fire of love burning, because love is all about constant commitment.

heart-1192662__340.jpg

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There is nice talk about how to get a date, find a partner and how to avoid divorce using math. Might be fun for you -> https://www.ted.com/talks/hannah_fry_the_mathematics_of_love

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Hello @mathowl :)

It is wonderful seeing you here! Thank you very much for stopping by and for recomending me this talk. I will sure get some useful info out of it!

All the best to you :)

It's interesting people who participate in the experiment, or who think about it, know that such a love!
Perhaps that without understanding what is at stake and the results are not true.
What is love?

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Oh, @leonid96, I am really sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to convey. I read and reread your comment a few times, still couldn't get it.

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Well, this claim is not for me, but for Google translator, I'm joking.
I said that it would not be bad to begin to define what "love" is, and then to investigate this phenomenon.

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Oh! Thank you for writing back.

But, please note that is what the psychologists in this study did. They categorized love into two kinds: passionate and companionate. Then, conducted the research :)

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Well, how not to get from you the answer to a simple question, what is "love". Is this your post higher? Is it about love?

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Hello there again @leonid96 :)

Ow, I see, you think 'what is love?' is a simple question! I am afraid I don't. Perhaps it is because in psychology we see 'love' as having many different meanings. Even if the love in question is romantic love, which, like I said before, in this study has been categorized and defined as:

Passionate - A cluster of feelings that encompasses intense emotions such as lust, excitement, yearning and jealousy.

Companionate - A state associated with milder emotions like commitment, closeness and attachment.

But you see, In some circles, love is not even considered an emotion. But rather, motivation - this is more of a neuropsychological perspective involving the dopaminergic system. The argument for this is the sort of different emotional states elicited by the circumstances; for example, whether it is reciprocated (eliciting euphoria), or not (eliciting sadness).

You could say this post is about love, yes :)

Considering that you appear to be interesting in my very own definition of what love is, well, as a non-romantic, I don't really believe in the kind of romantic love depicted in current entertainment (eg. soaps, movies, series). But, I do think it is an emotion that evolution has cannily worked on to keep us passing on our genetic material and raising our offsprings safely as well as collaboratively.

As for the other question:

Is this your post higher?

I am sorry, I don't understand what you mean.

Thank you for taking the interest!
Best :)

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Thank you, really I was interested in your opinion, as well as scientific. The fact is, there does not seem to be such a scientific concept as love. Probably, most people tend to think this is brain chemistry or the state into which a person "got", as you indicated in your comments.
Romance, like love, and everything related to it, it seems more like a fiction of a man. It was done with the purpose to give a human face a human face, humanize it. I hope, clearly translated the last sentence. If you look at a person from a biological point of view, then this is a machine that performs a certain set of commands. Therefore, attributing to the person, something special type of Love, naming with feelings, as if it comes from within ... well, I do not know, it's not grounded ... not scientifically ...
Everything that happens to us happens in the brain, and it looks like a set of simple commands that control our body. And even if you have a pang in your heart, from the synthetic picture you saw, it is still a consequence of the work of your brain.
Thank you for your answers and comments. Have a good day.

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how would you define love? Or in which context have you thought about it?

biologically I would say that a human is an organism that performs relational contact towards his environment of other organisms with which he interdepends. The organism "human" has direct and indirect relations to all other organisms on the planet, be it simple ones or complex ones. Bacteria live in the human body and are being hosted without as well as with some problems. The skin is the interface between the inner and the outer system and it's designed elegantly not to let too much things through but being not too solid as to stay sensitive to touch in this particularly humanly way. One also could say that the bee and the flower is one organism and if you think about it you could actually attribute all of the diverse organisms on earth as one huge organism each and every one of them is interconnected. Some relations are really fancy and peaceful, some aren't. Some are using others to sneak in and some do sacrifice themselves to protect another. Did you know that mushrooms/spores in the ground have a huge net so that they serve as a kind of communication network? ... Oh well ... I digressed :) was just wanting to correct a little the biological description...

good post, best regards

Great one and once a again you steal my heart with your post thanks for sharing brilliant
Upvote me please
https://steemit.com/stach/@thunderstruck1/science
Thank you

Do i really want to believe that there are different types of love?

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Hello @uar :)

Well, I suppose that is something that only you can conclude. Maybe, I am wrong, but from your query, I gathered that you see this as a negative thing?

Thank you for stopping by :D

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Not that i see it as a negative thing. I just believe that love is one and true in itself. Thanks for replying though it means the world to me cause i am new here.

oh!
If you have the time - please listen to this and tell me it's not true....(15 minutes)
...you might know about these things ...

https://steemit.com/blog/@lucylin/the-slide-into-social-insanity-the-inmates-took-over-the-asylum-decades-ago

Postingan-postingan yang sangat bagus @abigail-dantes saya sangat suka dengan postingan anda ini,, saya ingin membagikan postingan anda...

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