I was recently pregnant then had a miscarriage. For a brief time, I was the happiest I ever was. I knew the exact moment of conception. Its difficult to capture in words because it was a moment where we were in touch with something bigger than both of us. My husband and I had a moment of what I can only describe as “clear sight.” It was the way I always felt a child should be brought into this world.
The changes in my body were happening right away but once I had confirmation of pregnancy my heart and mind expanded. I felt that I was being initiated into life itself, beginning to understand the great power of creating new life. As a female philosopher, I always knew I had to create new life to fully understand life. Sex-Death-Rebirth is not a pleasure cult, its a fertility cult, and a continuation of all the fertility cults that came before. Creating new life is the highest expression of our humanity and the greatest power of the female body. It is the most physical act and the most spiritual. Creating new life, is everything. And that’s not to say that those who are not physically able to create new life are lesser. If one cannot give birth to a new body, they must give birth to a new idea, to art. Human beings are creative.
I often feel that my art is misunderstood. I use eroticism and intend for my artistic creations to be arousing, but carnal delights have always been secondary. Of course I want sex to be pleasurable, but I can pleasure myself. Sex, for me, has always been about intimacy and creating a deep connection with another person. I’m not an orgasm seeker, I’m seeking to understand life itself through the sexual act with a man. My desire was always for enveloping everything about my partners- their filthiest desires, their soul’s highest aspirations, their physical beauty, their physical flaws, their emotional intelligence, their vulnerabilities, their strengths, their intellect, their creativity. I want everything about a man, not just his cock. I have always sought to understand The Masculine and to teach men about The Feminine. I want knowledge pertaining to the meaning of life itself. That is the duty of a philosopher.
When I channel the goddesses, I do so with the purpose of teaching about the different aspects of The Feminine. Women are full of carnal delights and have the power to spark the erotic imagination, but women also possess the amazing power of birthing new life. The same body can do both. I want to experience my Femininity to the fullest. I want to experience everything that is erotic about me and I also want the experience to be like the gods. In modern times it seems we have forgotten where sex really leads. When I say that sex is a path to the divine, look to the ancient traditions; humankind was their greatest creation. In the sex act, we channel the power of the gods.
As heart-breaking as this experience has been, I can’t fight nature. The natural world is my god and I accept that this was what nature intended. I feel completely different about my body. I still learned something about life and nature through this experience. I know why I’m here.