For @lauralemons.

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I wonder
How many conversations I will have to force
To move you from
my number one contact
on... everything.

How long until I don't have to see
your now-dead face staring back at me
over your shoulder
in that new sweater you loved so much

How long it will be
until people have to stop logging in as you
and making that little green dot
show up next to your name

"online"

The most mocking icon
I've ever seen

How long until you finally stay dead?

I just want to tell you
everything
like we always did

I want to tell you
my little splinters
are finally getting shaved down

Get your gentle encouragement
spiked with
the perfect nihilism

Your excitement that was so genuine
when things actually seemed good

Sometimes I can pretend
that you've retreated
and that I'll get that message

"I'm back, I missed you so much."

All that is left of you
and our friendship
is ones and zeros

carefully compiled and logged

I miss the sad faces
you'd send
when I didn't love you enough

whipping me back
and making me look you over
for new wounds
that I would try to bandage

or just hold you while they bled out

My tragically broken
beautiful friend

Your laugh
so rare and like a choir of bells
when you let yourself enjoy it

hearing you smile
when I made a bitter joke
at our own expense

chortling in melancholy
joint sadness
mutual strength

Pushing and pulling each other
above the waves of our own existence

and sometimes
I think I will drown here
without you

we balanced
we danced
we sang tuneless songs
with raw lyrics

Some nights
I wail the tune alone
in your memory

Holding you close to my chest
and smothering myself
in your absence

Selfishly wishing
I'd hear that little "ding"
The silence in that moment
In the hours you were always there

deafening.

At night
sometimes you visit me
hanging peacefully in your closet
still
and content

Showing me
in our treasured mutual morbidity
how right
and final
and peaceful
your resolution was

And I know
you're complete
somewhere
or maybe fractals
dancing around my existence

But most of all
I know
that I miss you.

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