RE: The End of the Twentieth Century [Day 1]
I went through your last 4 pieces in reverse order. This is the most "You" piece, in its style. I can tell you wrote it more in your older style.
This piece, as I often tell you of your pieces, is actually two. The juxtaposition of images, I feel, doesn't really add much to either, and detracts from both.
I can tell this is the sort of piece you'd edit, and edit, and edit. And well, it certainly needs a round or two of editing.
You know I am not one to kick off abstractions just for being abstractions, but this poem has something worse - platitudes. These are the cornerstones of a poem, but not when you have so many, and in the midst, often unpacked, and often two together. Or one after every stanza.
It's not the unpacking that is needed, but sometimes less is more. This poem is buckling under its own weight.
And it's a shame, because there are many lovely turns of phrase here. The ideas? Some are lovelier than others, but it's a mixed bag, which is an issue for the clarify of message. It is a topic you often return to, using the urban landscape of modern-life as a stand-in for emptiness, and of things closing in on you even so.
Also, even if you change nothing else, I think a round of editing just the punctuation can strengthen this piece quite a bit.
Always offended, never ashamed,
My favourite image. Probably because I can think of far too many it applies to.
yeah, I definitely spent the most time with this one as well, which is reflected.
hmm hmm, that's something for me to think on. This may prove to be one similar to the one I'm working on now (the first work of mine you graced with a comment) where I didn't see it then but will see later that your are quite right (the "then" here being the now).
hmm hmm, more for me to think on - so much of my judgement, I think, is clouded by the new. Much of the original drafts was deleted, and now I'm wondering if, over the time it took to go from then to now, I lost too much along the way.
At your words, I certainly think I did - this will be one to revisit after all is said and done. Thank you, Guy.
The one upside to sharing my drafts as I work on them - I can always return to prior versions.
Maybe you should work in word, or OneNote (great program!), and have a new break/"tab" for each version. That'd also help you with publishing the wrong draft :P
Google docs is not the way to go. Unless you use a "master" version" just to post each revision, without changing things there.