The FCC released a preliminary report on the false alarm in Hawaii, and shit's crazier than I would have anticipated.

I tend not to post twice in one day, but I just started to peruse some of these statements posted on The FCC's website and it turns out the whole event was, in many respects, stupider, and therefore scarier, than I'd originally anticipated. The people in charge of warning Hawaii about impending nuclear apocalypse have the management skills of the Three Fucking Stooges.

Let's go through the highlights step by idiotic step as they occurred on January 13th. The quoted segments are direct quotes from the remarks of James Wiley posted on the FCC website. Enjoy the ride:

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8:00AM - "But there was a miscommunication."

So, the night shift supervisor decides he's gonna conduct a drill. When the day shift supervisor comes in, the night shift dude is all "Hey, there's gonna be a drill." But the day shift supervisor thought the drill was only gonna be for the night shift people, so he just kind of fucked off instead of hanging out to properly inform the day shift folks when the drill started.

8:05AM - "The recording began by saying 'exercise, exercise, exercise' . . . [but later] included the sentence 'this is not a drill.'"

Generally, when you're having a drill wherein you pretend the apocalypse is beginning, you first make clear you are having a drill. For no reason whatsoever, this drill announcement also included the only words you absolutely don't want to use when you're having a drill, "this is not a drill."

8:07AM - "the day shift warning officer heard "this is not a drill" but did not hear "exercise, exercise, exercise."

The schmuck who actually pressed the alarm button wasn't really listening all that clearly. Keep in mind, he was on the incoming day shift! So he had just started work! But he didn't here the first part, he says, and only heard the part that said the fucking world was ending.

8:07AM - "'Are you sure that you want to send this Alert?'"

Jerk who's about to freak out an entire state because he can't listen carefully in a job that involves 80% listening - "Ab-so-fucking-lutely!"

8:09AM - "An actual alert [is] transmitted to the public."

Some of the only good news in this debacle is that the emergency alert system DOES work.

8:12AM - "Notably, a cancellation message does not generate an 'all clear' message."

By now everybody whose anybody knows someone has fucked up. So the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency cancel's the retransmission of the false alert, stopping the automatic replay that says "the fucking is world is ending", over and over, as though in a waking nightmare.

But this action is not programmed to send out an automatic "all clear" signal - which is weird, because that means it was designed to stop the "the world is ending signal" in the event the world actually ended and no one wanted to be reminded.

8:24AM - "The Governor has stated that he was unable [to tweet the all clear] earlier because he did not know his Twitter password."

One of the benefits of the modern age is the speedy dispersal of emergency information via social media. One of the downsides is that everything can get fucked by one guy forgetting his password.

8:27AM - "Agency staff . . . discuss options for sending a second, corrective message..."

Nearly half an hour later!? What the actual fuck? And what "options"? How about "False Alarm", that's a classic! Or maybe "Oops!" Really anything would have been pretty much OK except 20 minutes of silence.

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The lesson learned? Idiotic mistake piled upon idiotic mistake causing millions of people to have an extended existential crisis.

Look, it's good that there is transparency in detailing what the hell happened here, and it seems like there's already been a resignation and firing as a result, and hopefully this experience will result in a better emergency warning system in the future.

But holy sweet baby Jesus this was stupid and unnecessary - and highlights the terrifying fallibility of the systems surrounding the use and prevention of nuclear armaments in the modern age. I'll be writing a short story soon about another mess up that rather than tricking folks into thinking the world was ending, actually saved the world from nuclear doom.

In the meantime, I felt it was appropriate to include this in the #test tag. I laughed.