I Apologize to those who were following my stories. I faded for a good reason. I've spent the last 8 months making an album. I'm a very one track person; I can't juggle too many things at once or I drop them all. But that's the topic I want to write about today. Forgive me if I use my return to steemit to drain my thoughts.

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One Artist's Conundrum.

The Devil's Crossroad

My theory is that music is just less valuable to society today.

Photo by Siouxsie Romack On Ezravancil.com

I'm at the tail end of what has been to me a very grueling album project. It has quite nearly put me under. Actually, it HAS put me under. My household has barely made it through this year. I knew it would put me under, just like every big project every year, but still I put my whole life and my family's welfare in the balance to finish it. Here I am at the end and now starting to think of how to get it out there into the world –the evil thoughts of marketing, which I so loathe– and I just feel like I can't do it anymore.

It's not an energy, or drive problem. I'm already recording another project, so I have plenty of ambition and drive. I just can not bare to go back into this business of music anymore.

Time Or Money, Money Or Music

I left a very good career in Marketing, I was a Graphic Artist and had also been a Marketing Director. I left it for music. Not to go 'make it' in music, but rather I was afraid I might kill myself If I didn't go give my life to my music.

I've had some cool things happen these years. I have somehow miraculously been carried mainly by my original music. But last month I was sitting in my studio working on a marketing plan (of all things) after a year of it all falling apart financially. (It goes up and down depending on whether I sit all day on social media or not) I had spent the previous weeks working out my release plan while my guitar languished in the corner. It hit me over the weeks to come like a hammer in the head, 'Holy shit! I'm a Marketing Director with a music hobby ...again!'

To survive in music most of my time is spent doing that thing I hate so much, Marketing. In fact, I'd say my music production, writing, and for sure enjoyment, is less than the era when I worked 80 hours a week at jobs I hated. The music then was at least an illicit relationship, a dripping hot lusty lover that the whole world was trying to keep me from. We were Romeo and Juliet. Now, I've made a lot of music, but I've made a lot more noise, videos, chatter, social bullshit than music in these last years. Which is very ironic. I left the exact same job position to take it back up and hate it even more.

Music Business Still The Same; Just With No One But The Devil To Blame

...I say that to let you know that I've seen enough to know that those stories about selling your soul on the cross roads...

To put some context around me; I have been in music business for 25 years. I've been in somewhat substantial Music Industry-proper deals, and have also thrived and fallen flat on my face on my own. I recently just got tangled in another industry-proper contract and walked away at the last minute. I say that to let you know that I've seen enough to know that those stories about selling your soul on the cross roads; they are not stories–that is exactly what you must do, and I'd go further to say anyone who has made it in the industry-proper has met at that cross road, though they might not realize it until later... even the anti-conformity types. When you hire on a Manager, that is actually what you hire him for, to manipulate you into doing things against your artistic soul.

The thing is though, now that we are free agents, that cross road is still there, and the bargain still is sometimes made, made with yourself, which to me seems to be worse.

The bargain is made sometimes in your writing room where a lyric comes to you, it's perfect for the song, but you know it would freak out your followers or alienate your fan base demographics, (i.e. say you write a patriotic song, but your base wants to hang the presedent haha .. a true artist might risk it, a entertainer would never risk that) so you slap the muse on the ass and tell her not to look while you make it a little more palatable for your audience. It happens when you hire the engineer that can make you a hit mix instead of the mix you envision. It happens when you shape your image to fit a genre, hold your tongue for fear of causing a stir, automate your spammy mp3's into everyone's inbox, it happens in the same way as the music industry proper, but now you have no one to blame, you look up and suddenly you are 'THE MAN.'

Cheating The Devil – Or – A Dude Looks Like A Lady

Some cheat the devil and escape the lane they bought into, but they do it at a price, and it doesn't work most of the time. Think of Radiohead, I remember when people were attacking them on the streets after shows.

There are ways I think around the devil. I have done well with only doing things from instinct, not allowing any filters on my instinct. I made a video a few years back purely from instinct, and it won some awards, got some attention but strangely enough, I felt pressured to do that again–that's the devil's crossroad. Infact I have had it suggested (from industry folk, to do it again, a little more 'tame') Human beings do not keep singing 'dude looks like a lady' with the same hairdo until they're 70, that is only done because your deal with the devil isn't up. The natural way of an artist is to flow through time, to perturb people sometimes and to sooth people sometimes, but never to plan for either.

Here is that instinctual video - Song Before I go.

Convinced, Shot, edited released all in 24 hours.

Some cheat the devil and escape the lane they bought into, but they do it at a price, and it doesn't work most of the time. Think of Radiohead, I remember when people were attacking them on the streets after shows.

...you've returned to feed off the innocent dreams of others you gave up to sell your music business products..

(A facebook video rant I did live.. if your interested)

You'll hear of the 'entrepreneurial musician,' and that's fine and dandy, I have been one, my friends are also, but who is selling us the blueprint? The industry still is. There are masses of these Homuncli industry people out of work in the last decades, they have turned to eat their young. They are the bloggers, the teachers, the methods, the seven steps to success, the panelist, the Berkeley Music Business professors. They are the losers. Now they are turning out students, which are musicians who are 'selling' their tips on how they made 20,000 bucks on youtube covers. Well that's great, but I'm sorry, I know your not making your music anymore and running your internet business on how you make your music... sorry, it's a whole space-time continuum thing. You made music in this business, it wore you out like it does every other music entrepreneur, so you've returned to feed off the innocent dreams of others, the dreams you gave up to sell your music business products.. in hopes of making enough money so you can once again return to making your music.

I don't want to be mean. I guess that sounds mean. But it's generally true. I also don't know what the future holds for me, maybe I'll hit a big playlist tomorrow on Spotify and be back here to sell you a 'system' on how I made 40,000 a year from Spotify.

Businness Rule: When you hate your business, your business won't be successful.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this release. I can't keep this up. I have too much music to make. To sell out is different for everyone, for me, I think it is to not finish my work or to change it (for better or worse) for anyone. That means I can't hang out online, make videos, sit on social media peddling my wares, look up my Americana demographics all Saturday, At least not at any capacity that we are expected to do these days.

Streaming, Smeeeming

In fact, every time I need some money I can go to one of my many penny collecting accounts and always seem to find enough to make it till the next pay day.

I'm not against streaming, It has saved my lunch several times like literally purchased me food when I was out of money. In fact, every time I need some money I can go to one of my many penny collecting accounts and always seem to find enough to make it till the next pay day. I think music sales would have plummeted either way.

A Theory Of Music's Value Decline

We needed something then, there were not user-friendly tools; the emojis, the brooding memes, and political hashtags to express our rage and fears.

My theory is that music is just less valuable to society today. It used to serve a very important purpose, we used it to express our self, to our self, and to others. If someone had an Indigo Girls shirt on, you kinda knew where that person stood in the social fabric. Now, we have less need, we all express ourselves all fucking day long, with memes and animated gifs etc. Music is not as valuable as it was when we were all little nuclear units in our nuclear-isolated houses in isolated lives when Marketers told us who we were and with what tribe we belonged to. We needed something then, there were not user-friendly tools; the emojis, the brooding memes, and political hashtags to express our rage and fears.

I was just warming up to the real conundrum

But you know, all that shit, that's not the real ordeal, that's not the conundrum. The industry & billion dollar censoring corner-on-the-market beasts like Spotify & Google are just easy to pick on.

The conundrum is oddly a similar conundrum I faced when I had a daytime career. It is that there is not enough time to both make the money AND have time to make the music I need to make and on the flip side, If I make enough money to make the music I need to make, there is not enough time left over. My issue has always been, how do I not starve my family, not sell out my soul and make music at the same time. It's not an easy question to answer.

The music manager will tell you, just play the game, pick a lane, play to your 'target audience,' and make a bunch of money; then you can do what you want. That's the first clause in the Devil's crossroad contract. And usually the first lie they say to those who feel their authentic self and true truth to tell slipping away. The truth is, after you turn that corner it will be very hard to remember what you wanted to do, or who you were in the first place.

The world around you will say, ah, well you should just feel lucky to make music! giggle giggle... As if it's fun. I guess the marketers have done a good job in making it seem so... How else could Guitar Center exist? Maybe I am the Homuncli. Musicians do seem to be having a great time in all the ads... I have not found it to be a great time at all. More like a heroin addiction with brief moments of heaven.

I wax and wane a lot in my perspectives, especially at the end of a project, so who knows which way I'll go with this release. All I know is, If you see ads from me on Facebook selling 7 steps to Film licensing deals, I probably met the devil at the cross roads again. I do know in the wild world of selling my time for food and a house, that music is the one thing in my life that I have not sold short.. I'd like to keep at least one thing pure.

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I'm Ezra Vancil a Sometimes Americana Artist, Sometimes Indie Rock Artist, Sometimes interested in Jazz Artist from Texas. My Steemit @ezravan let me know what you think. Follow Me On musiccoin ! Music on The blockchain