Themadgoat Movie Review: A Quiet Place

Short version: It’s a good fucking movie.
Long version: You get to hear about my erectile dysfunction.

I don’t really like horror movies. I’m miserable enough already and I don’t want to spend two hours watching horrible shit happen to other people. It is not a cathartic experience for me. I’ll give a horror movie a shot if they bring something new to the genre like “Saw” but I don’t get any joy from murder porn, like the rest of the “Saw” movies.

I don’t want to ruin the plot but I’ll give you the basic rundown based on what you see in the trailer and the first 30 minutes of the movie. The movie starts a few months after the inhabitants of Earth have been murdered the shit out of by monsters that are most likely aliens. Said aliens are blind but have super hearing that they use to track down people and kill them. Surviving humans eek out an existence by being quiet as fuck. I thought of a thousand plot holes surrounding this premise, but I don’t have a neckbeard so I just let them shits slide and decided to enjoy the flick.

The first five minutes of the movie was captivating. The next 40 minutes were boring as fuck. Nobody says shit and nothing interesting happens. Despite nothing happening, the cast does a stellar job of portraying people who live in constant fear using nothing but facial expressions. Mad fucking props to everyone in the cast. Even when nothing was happening I had to take a blood pressure pill to ward off a heart attack from the constant tension during every single second of the movie. I would have watched the first half of the movie on fast forward but my computer was buffering slow as shit…I mean… I was in a movie theater… where I totally paid for a ticket.

I liked John Krasinski in “Leatherheads” but I’m not a big fan of him because I hate “The Office.” The internet loves to jerk off “The Office” but I can’t stand that thing they do where the characters talk to the camera like they’re in some kind of documentary but they never explain why. Who the fuck are they talking to? “Modern Family” does it too but I let it slide because I want to butt fuck every female character on that show. Hell, I’d probably throw a bone to half the male cast just because they are so damn loveable. Anyway, John Krabopplewhatever earned a slot in my “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” category next to Magic Mike based on his performance in “A Quiet Place.” Dude acted the shit out of this movie.

Anyway, I dredged through the first half of A Quiet Place because, despite the slow pacing, it managed to keep me on the edge of my seat and wanting to know what the fuck was gonna happen next. Plus, with a 90 minute run time; even if it sucked, I’ve wasted an hour and a half of my life doing a lot worse things than watching this movie, like unsuccessfully trying to masturbate while drunk and on cocaine in a hotel in Las Vegas. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so the second half of the movie really picked up the pace. Things started happening, the action ramped up, shit got all kinds of emotional. The payoff was totally worth the buildup. The ending was good, but I would have been happier with like just one or two more minutes of violence, just to help release all the pressure that had been building up inside me for the last hour and a half.

TheMadGoat gives “A Quiet place” four enthusiastic hooves up. The cinematography was on point, the script was solid as fuck, the acting was off the chain. It was just a good fucking movie. Hopefully, Hollywood takes notice and realizes it is possible to make profitable horror movies doing something other than flashing some boobies and sawing people in half. Although, I wouldn’t have been mad if Emily Blunt popped a titty out for just a second.