You speak truth sweet @eriluks - beauty does not necessarily equate to the elusive happiness. The grass is always greener for those of us humans with over active analytical brains in a world which operates on warp drive and only moving faster. I often think to myself that 47 years is way way way too long to be on this planet especially in this, my personal life. I would not wish this struggle on anyone. It hasn't gotten easier as I have completely lost what little I ever had. I understand I won't get another 'great' job or 'great' car like I once had....nor will I ever have a home of my own - as I result I will never get the girl (far too late in life). So I relate to your feeling to voice the pain and I hope you find peace. It is a struggle especially in this world for me as I have no family or anyone close, I mis-managed every relationship I ever had without understanding how. I remain optimistic and, after losing hope in love, then humanity, then myself - I still retain that faith of a mustard seed for the purpose and beyond that can only be better than life with a 'pretty face' or stack of silver, etc . . .
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain @lanceman. My grandmother died when she was only 50 and she constantly told me that she doesn't want to live longer, she got what she wanted. I never understood as a kid why she didn't want to be alive because the world seemed like a good place when you're young, when you grow up though things turn to grey. It's hard staying optimistic in a place like that, especially when you're all alone. I am blessed to have amazing friends even if its just a few people I can count on my hand, as well as a loving partner, If I didn't have that I wouldn't be here right now as I am too weak of a person to do it all on my own. I hate the idea of being connected to other people , I was always the loner , the "strong" , lone wolf, but I realize now that its that way of thinking that messed me up. You don't need to be looking for these people, they somehow just find their way in when you need them the most...and stay there for good :)