How I found out I was HIV positive

HIV is very is a very sensitive subject. It is one that is very close to my heart because I am HIV positive. Alive and kicking, but more-so positive in mind, body and spirit. I want to share my story with you about how found out about it.

I will say this, and some may take it as they would – but being ‘positive’ has been my saviour…

Because...

… It has taught me some valuable lessons about life, people and myself. These lessons include:

• Learning to be compassionate towards others’ and me.

• To be more tolerant of others’ but most of all how to love me with this biggest of all flaws in the eyes of society.

• Forgiveness: People can be mean but it takes strength to forgive them for that.

• Learning to be independent especially when it comes to relationships.

• Learning that what you think is the end is not.

• Learning not to allow life to turn you into a victim.

• Increasing my resilience to things that happen in life.

Before found out about my status, I carried around a lot of trauma. Finding out about being HIV positive doubled my tolerance level for what life can throw at me.

I will say this; people seem to think that a person must be promiscuous to ‘catch’ HIV.

This is not true.

You can ‘catch’ it from engaging in normal sexual activities. From people in relationships(we trust our partners to not cheat) to single people having ‘fun’. If any act does not include not condom use, there's a risk. Non-sexual activities is also a factor: children can be born with it (not if the woman is on ART). Possible blood contamination. What is interesting is that it is something that is really hard to contract.

Trust is one of the issues, ignorance is another. You trust someone to not put you at risk. You trust them to not cheat. You risk it for a temporary moment of madness for the sake of bliss.

What I am saying is that it happens how it happens. Some people ‘catch’ it from being raped. There are too many situations to list, but the result and how you are treated afterwards is the same.

You are somehow no longer seen as a valuable member of society.

Anyway back to the purpose of this post.

How I found out I was HIV positive…

I had just returned from to England the Caribbean where I lived for 11 months. The stresses of everyday life here were getting to me and I could not cope so I went away.

A few months after I returned to London, I went to see Lisa, a friend of mine. She wanted me to tag along with her to the sexual health clinic to have a check-up. She was worried about her heavy period, and her GP was not giving her the answers she wanted.

We got there and she went through the usual procedure of filling out forms and peeing in the little bottle. I sat around reading magazines while she did her thing. It didn’t even occur to me to get checked out too because in my eyes I wasn’t sexually active. But, I did sleep with someone abroad whom I known for years. I was foolish to just trust him because I knew him. But that’s what we do (he is not positive).

My ignorance was high.

Between waiting for the nurse, my friend called me over and suggested I have a check-up as I was already there. At first, I refused then it started to make sense that I should do it.

Because I had also got back with my ex –boyfriend so there was there was a reason to.

I went through all the motions—filled out the forms and pissed in the bottled, then gave it to the nurse. She told me I’d have a two-week wait for the results. It didn’t worry me because I thought I was fine.

I left the clinic and went about my life for two weeks with no cares in the world. Two weeks later I was at Lisa’s place when I received a call from the clinic and spoke to a nurse. She went through all the checks to confirm my identity then proceeded to tell me the results.

She had my complete attention--I was still thinking things were fine until I heard... “You are negative for Gonorrhoea,” I thought, cool…

“You are negative for syphilis,” I thought, cool...

"You are positive for HIV."

Well that was when my eyes narrowed and felt my whole body sink, in that moment I lost my sense of self. Total shock. I didn’t react to this news, usually, I don’t react to bad news. She then asked me if I could come down to the clinic on that same day. "Of course," I said.

When I came off the phone, I told Lisa what she had told me. She started crying but I was still absent from feeling, numb. I asked her to come with me to the clinic, and we went two hours later.

We got to the clinic and I was in a foggy haze about what all this meant to my life. Where I am originally from people refer to HIV as ‘AIDS’ and they treat you like a leper. No one wants to share a cup with you or be near you because of the risk of catching it. Which of course, we know this is not true.

Lisa, was my rock.

Lisa was there, quiet but supportive, as we walked into the doctor’s office. I shook his hand, sat down and he started to take me through it. He compared it to the management of diabetes, but I was not listening. AlI could hear in my head was the judgements and prejudice I was about to face for the rest of my life.

Lisa sat on a chair to my left sobbing away and I sat there with a stoic look on my face. Total disbelief. No tears, only shock. I didn’t talk. It felt like someone had paralysed my body. There was a buzz in the air that felt bad.

I found out on my Sister's birthday.

After talking with the doctor, and he booked me in for another appointment the following week. We then left. That happened on the 14th of April 2009. I remember it so well because it was my older sister’s birthday. For the next few years, I went through the hells of dealing with what it meant to be HIV.

The only thing it has e effect on is my dating life, though not killed it. Disclosing early is the best policy.

Other than that everything else is normal. It doesn’t affect my health like you might think because I am on ART. So is undetectable, thus, I am unable to pass it on to anyone, it is such a relief which for a long time scared me to death.

No sex for three years.

I didn’t have sex for about three years, because I felt dirty. I went into an existential crisis which made me desperate to procreate, and look into all sorts of mortality extending things. Looking back at it all now, I am so much stronger and resilient. This is what I am thankful for, I am thankful the advances in medicine, and this is why it has changed my life for the better. This is my spin on it.