Me too...
Over on Facebook there is a wave of dignified and (almost) silent protest and it’s growing.
The first thing you’ll see on the status is:
Me too
This is to show the author of the status also suffered sexual assault – and the assault ranges from being made to feel uncomfortable or frightened, ‘a bit of groping’ to full rape, often consistent, and continual attacks.
If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote "Me too" as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.
I haven’t made my ‘Me too’ status post yet. This is going to be it.
The first recollection of anything untoward that I remember was when I was (I estimate) 3 or 4 (three years old or perhaps 4 years old).
The pit rows we lived on had a row of ‘outhouses’ along the bottom of all the gardens. Each house had an outside toilet (no sink) and a shed to keep the dustbins in.
I don’t know how I got there – I have an idea… I was always following the bigger kids, so I probably just tagged along… we ended up in one of the brick sheds.
I was pushed up against the wall by a kid a little older and bigger than me. I don’t recall much, he spoke quietly to me, you know… soothingly… I remember something that sounds so ridiculous now. Something about a train and a tunnel.
And the darkness… there may have been a door that was closed. There wasn’t a door on our shed, but there must have been one on that one.
I remember slants of light through gaps in the door, just enough so the shed wasn’t completely in darkness.
I don’t remember how it started, I don’t remember how it finished. And I don’t know the extent of what happened. Just that something was happening and I was three years old, maybe four.
I don’t know what happened but I do know who it was. I know his name. I’ve never forgotten it.
I didn’t tell anyone. I’ve never told anyone. Not my parents, not my husband, not my kids.
That was the first time. I was three years old, maybe four years old.
I remember another time.
A boy from school called to me as I passed his house. We stood talking over the fence. He knew I liked him but neither of us had done anything about it, we were kids. We’d not seen much of each other because it was the summer holidays and I hung out with a different crowd.
As we were talking, he reached over and touched my breast. I was shocked. I was embarrassed. I didn’t say anything about it and neither did he but I didn’t get close enough to the fence for him to be able to do it again, although he tried.
I don’t know why I didn’t punch him in the mouth, slap his face, break his fingers – any or all of those things, but I didn’t. I also didn’t say anything about it either.
I know who it was. I know his name. I’ve never forgotten it.
Over the years, boys have taken the liberty of touching me when I was neither expecting nor inviting them to.
Almost as though they have the right to touch, feel, grope my body whenever they feel like it, ‘just because they can’ or ‘just because I have tits’.
Cat-calls about my breasts, my arse, my legs.
One guy in a pub said to his friend: “Look at the legs on that!” On THAT - he said it to his friend, my father.
My best chance of success was to be a model according to my father. I had no other value than my looks.
When I was fifteen years old, I came home from school and my father told me he’d rung up about a modelling job for me.
I know a lot of teens may have been excited at that prospect.
I viewed it with deep suspicion.
“I turned them down. They only offered £25 and we had to get to London,” he said.
“What modelling job?” I asked.
“For The Sun, Page 3,” he said.
Fifteen years of age and he wanted to take me to London to allow someone to take pictures of my naked breasts.
My 16th birthday. I was drunk as a skunk. My 15-year-old friend told me later, that my father had sat down beside her and offered her a cigarette. “I don’t smoke,” she said.
He offered her a drink. “I don’t drink,” she said.
“I suppose a fuck’s out of the question then?” he said.
“It was a joke.”
I was never a ‘girly-girl’ – I was a tomboy. I looked like a lad, I acted more like a lad than a girl and I still only just escaped a nasty experience with a ‘boyfriend’.
My friends always seemed to have boyfriends. I asked advice and they advised nice clothes, make-up etc.
Sometimes they’d try to set me up with a friend of their boyfriends. One night it went horribly wrong.
I went round to the babysitting gig and met up with the lad they’d brought with them. He wasn’t a movie-star but he wasn’t ugly.
He got me to sit beside him and he put his arm around me – all going well so far…
Then he reached for my hands and held them tight while he had a grope around inside my t-shirt.
Rather than getting up and going home, I got the feeling I was being a whiney little girl and when he asked me to sit on the other side, I did. Because it’s my fault, right?
So, when he groped me in the same manner, hands held so I couldn’t fight him off, I really shouldn’t have been surprised.
It was when he started getting aggressive and insisting we went upstairs that I knocked it on the head and went home.
I RAN all the way home. Fearing for my life that he was going to follow me and rape me and there was nothing I could have done to stop him.
I know who it was. I know his name. I’ve never forgotten it.
When I walked through the door, a little tearful, very scared, I received the next shock of that evening.
It was my fault.
My father yelled at me. What time did I call it? Where had I been?
I didn’t tell him where I’d been or that I’d spent most of the evening fending off unwanted advances – it’s a compliment, right?
What he said then… that put the shiny top hat on the whole evening.
“I’m taking you to the doctor’s tomorrow.”
Not, as I first thought, to make sure I was protected if I did decide to have sex.
“I’m going to have the doctor check you out.”
That’s right. He thought he could have the doctor examine me to see if I was still a virgin.
I count that as an assault too.
I got a ‘job’ – a pretend, made up for the government’s statistics job and on the first day I was taken and shown the warehouse.
Stacks of materials from floor to ceiling, row on row.
“A girl could get raped down here,” a supervisor said.
Creepy as hell, threatening, menacing… NOT a joke, not funny.
I got a job. A real job. Not one of these employment scheme things where they promise a chance of a job after, I got a REAL 5 days a week job.
I had to wear a white lab coat – the boss bought a few second-hand ones which I had to take home and wash. They had name tags ironed on, above the breast pocket, you know, the printed stick-on name tags.
It wasn’t my name on the name tag and the boss backed me into a corner one day on the pretext of being irritated with the name tag. He started picking at the tag and then his finger flicked my nipple.
He looked right in my eyes as he did it and I was shocked and embarrassed and had no idea what to do.
It was my fault – I felt like it was my fault.
After that, I kept away from him as much as I could. I wanted to keep the job but I didn’t want to be raped.
The day he found a pair of his grandson’s shorts and threatened to put me in them scared me badly. My mother noticed something was wrong and she asked.
I told her.
“I don’t know how to deal with that,” she said.
OK then.
I have two children.
I have a daughter and a son.
BOTH kids were taught that anyone touching them inappropriately was a cause for shouting, yelling, kicking, biting, screaming!
BOTH kids were taught it is NOT their fault, they do NOT feel ashamed if anything like that happens and they most definitely can and SHOULD tell me!
BOTH kids were taught that they should NEVER take advantage of another human being for their gratification.
We’re the generation that KNOWS this is going on. WE have to be the first generation to start to make it stop.
You don’t have the right to put your hands on anyone except in self-defence.
You don’t have to accept anyone’s hands on you.
Your gender does NOT give you an excuse.
Please carry on posting your responses and replies to this. I'll read them all, just not quite yet.
My husband didn't even know about most of these events and I've been with him for 36 years.
It was a harrowing read, but I am grateful that you shared some of the darker corners of your life in order to raise awareness about this epidemic. Thank you.
It was the right time. Thank you for your comment.
Wow you are strong to have kept this within away from him. My word!
I'm not sure 'strong' is the right word. I think I just buried everything. He knew about some of the things... he wanted to go and confront my boss, but I wouldn't allow it. I kept away from him and I suppose being 'let go' was a relief... but there's a story in there too... somewhere.
@josediccus I just remembered your post about rape and its effects andhow victims are able to keep living even after being raped. You gave two reasons i.e the want for revenge and the desire to keep living. However, I kept thinking about it and I've come up with another way women are able to keep living after rape and it's HATE.
Hate might be so similar to revenge but it's not. Infact, the want for vengeance or revenge is birthed by hate. My theory is that many women after being raped begin to hate the man who did it to them and some might hate men in general and this hate might be what keeps them going. They might want to live and do well in life just to spite the man who did it to them and for some of them, I think the hate brews revenge which make the women keep living with the hope of making the man suffer later in the future.
Thank you for your boldness to share this. In my country, girls are blamed for sexual assault, we are made to believe that we wore dresses or acted in a manner that led to our assault. Instead of condemning the culprit, the girls are condemned and accused of seduction and because of this they are afraid to speak up. We need to start speaking up so that these perverts will be shamed.
It's in every country - some worse than others, though :(
In my country, Nigeria, often after a lady is raped, the society might begin to shun her especially when it becomes well known to everyone. Sometimes it becomes a thing of shame for her but what we fail to remember is that it's not her fault she was raped. Though some people are of the opinion that women sometime through provocative dresses, tempt men to rape them, I do not believe seeing a woman wearing something provocative or seductive is enough reason to rape her. Also, it's not in every scenario that the woman is the provocateur. Some men just have issues with keeping their lustful desires at bay.
What needs to be stressed is that sexual abuse is sexual abuse whether or not the lady was dressed provocatively or not. For me girls should be encouraged to comeout and tell their stories boldly and the society should not makethem feel bad. Young boys should be taught to respect females and sexual harassers should be punished when caught because sexual abuse is the worst crime that can be committed against a woman.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It must have been difficult to write. I feel that you have given the rest of us the courage to come out and speak up about this. No one has the right to use and abuse us.
My first encounter was with my father when I was about four. I started to tell my mom and he shut me up by punching me in the face and breaking my nose. It was never treated and my mother told me to stop crying because she would be next in line for a punch.
My second time was when I was about 7 or 8, with a priest in a confessional booth. That's why I can't go to church. Any church. In my mind, they are all the same.
The next time was when I was about 14 with my brother. I guess it runs in the family. Who could I tell and besides who believes "homely" kid?
The next time was with a teacher in about 7th grade. Another authority figure. No wonder I didn't like school.
Another time I was attacked on the beach by a "blind date". The other couple we were with had taken off and left me to fend for myself.
These assaults could have brought me down, but I learned to stand up for myself. I was fortunate to meet a wonderful and understanding man who stood up for me against my father and brother.
My children were raised to respect all human beings, especially women. Never to take advantage and to fight when things aren't right.
Thank you, @michelle.gent for giving the courage to write about these things after a very long silence.
I tell you what... difficult as it was to write, it's been more difficult to come back and read what others have replied with.
Your stories... oh my goodness. <3
My children were taught that too.
This is so difficult... I'm sorry I can't write more in response. As a writer, I'm faltering... I don't have the words I need to heal you. I'm sorry for that.
I am healing every day. I will not let these miscreants ruin my life. It has taken me a long time to reach where I am today and no one can take that away from me...I thank you for your kind words and thoughts. That means a lot and I appreciate it.
Your tale is a sad one and a pointer to just how rampant sexual assault and abuse is. Thanks for sharing your story
Me too! ( yeah really. happens to men too)
People conveniently ignore when it happens to men. Same with domestic abuse/ violence. It's part of an unfortunate phenomenon one could call "No sympathy for men." With modern feminism, suddenly men are the perpetrators of all that is wrong with society. When men experience traumatic and abusive things, we are shunned and told to "man up." It's a main contributing factor to the very high rate of male suicide worldwide.
All of the above is why spreading awareness about the challenges BOTH MEN AND WOMEN face in our society is very important. Division through blaming men for the world's problems is not solving anything. And of course, vice versa. I hope our society will begin to cultivate more compassion for both genders and realize everyone needs love and healing.
I think that the problem could be rectified and that it starts with teaching children. People develop certain belief systems about gender and sexuality that are most often not valid. We have to have more open and honest conversations with ourselves about the roles of men and women in society and that SEX and Sexuality is not a dirty thing. Then we will be able to share what we find by having open and honest conversations with our children. I believe that this is the only way to break the cycle. I have had the opportunity to tell my story in front of large groups of people. The amount of people who approach me after and say " Me Too" astounds me. It happens way more than anyone wants to admit and until the truth is revealed the cycle can not be broken
That's right and I think that's what this campaign has achieved. I wasn't taught that no one has the right to touch me. In fact, I grew up in a household where I was taught the only thing I had going for me was what was between my legs.
If I was attractive, I was as successful as I was ever likely to be.
You're right! Both males and females have a right to be protected against sexual and child abuse. Perhaps, the abuse of males is a little overlooked by the society due to the fact by that males are expected to be strong and that sexual abuse of males is not that rampant. Also few males actually have the bravery to talk about it.
I remember when I was just a kid and my neighbour (a male who was years older) forced to well, do stuff for him and all. I vomitted and that was what saved me from the abuse. Imagine what could have happened. I could have given a guy a bj while I was just 4 or so and there are a lot of cases of fathers or brothers fagging their sons. It's really appalling. Abuse is abuse whether inflicted on a male or female. We need to get that straight
I know it does. This campaign was to show how many women it impacts - sisters, daughters, wives, mothers. I think it has been an eye-opener for social media.
When I look at the amount of views this post received compared to the amount of votes, that too tells a story.
I am sympathetic to the men and boys that are abused and assaulted, of course. This wasn't about gender as much as it was about numbers.
This however, is not the way forward in my opinion. I could have named those men and boys (and there are more) but I should also name their fathers, their brothers, uncles, grandfathers, ancestors.
I would like to recognize all the people who shared their personal stories on this post. You have all demonstrated great strength and courage.I truly believe that pain shared is pain lessened. When we share our pain and tell our truths we can begin to take our power back and no longer can identify as victims. When we share our stories we find out that we are not alone. We find a purpose and a reason for the injustices that we had to suffer. Our stories are a gift for those who can identify with us. Our courage gives them courage, Our Strength gives them hope. The only way we can all heal is to expose our darkness to the light. What grows in the dark , dies in the light
You're right, totally right.
When we hide these things away we harm the next person and the next and the next. But speaking out is so difficult. We fear blame and ridicule (I know I did) - maybe it was somehow my fault. I encouraged it?
It won't stop until everyone is aware of the damage this does. We're all damaged by this - not only the abused, but the abusers too. They are damaged by the fact that they believe they can do this and while the damage doesn't cause them harm, it causes harm to those they further abuse and those they teach.
I'm so sorry you went through what you did.
<3
I have had the opportunity to tell my story in front of large groups of people over the last 5 years. You would be amazed at how many people come up to me after I speak and say me too. One young man said came up to me and said that he had heard me speak 2 years prior and he now had the courage to tell me his story. When he was finished he put his arms around me and cried. I have also had the abusers come up to me and share their guilt and share their personal stories of abuse. I believe that abuse happens way more than we realize and you are right. It is very hard to talk about. That why people like you need to lead the way and tell your story./ It makes it more comfortable for other to share their stories
The stigma of speaking up is what most people fear, they get judged by their actions, where were they when they were raped? especially those who were too trusty to visit maybe a family friend, a friend or even an uncle. In my country, they see they as someone who wont hurt a fly and still judge you for accusing them doing the abominable act. I am happy a lot a speaking up. The evil perpetrators have to be punished, all we need to do is help others and speak up. Thanks for sharing @michelle.gent
PS you're bold and tough for sharing this..
The society should try to support victims rather than victimise them
Thank you for your comment <3
@michelle.gent Sexual assault is about power, and when women are seen as less than men, it is difficult to discern what consent is supposed to look like. These things happening because our society & cultures.
In my country if someone get forced seduction by other man she really afraid to tell her mom & dad.
And when she said her situations to parents than her parents first blaming to she. Like why should go there? Than her parents never reporting in police sation against those man just beacuse no one get with relationships with her daughter! And all society will laughing on them! I feel we need to grow up our mind.
But yet time girls are strong & they know how to fight with situations.
No, it's not always about power. It's also about curiosity but when curiosity is combined with a belief that the curious can act on that curiosity when and with whom they feel like it, that's when the problem starts. If that curious person is not put right about the boundaries and respect for the other person's feelings too, then they believe they can get away with it whenever and wherever.
It's also about proof - there is no physical evidence that someone touched another. There's only mental evidence. Nightmares, feelings of inadequacy, doubt of self-worth.
I was led to believe my only worth was the way I looked and how attractive I was - that and whether I could cook, clean and serve a man, of course. That belief was also perpetuated by the women in my family.
Grandmothers that teach their girls to hoover and iron, wash the dishes, clean the house, look after the children... it all says - you must be subservient to your man, without a man, you are worthless.
Wrong!
I cried reading this.
In my birth home, all 8 of my siblings, including me - both girls and boys - were assaulted by our birth father; sexually, physically and emotionally. Our birth mother stood by and let it happen - her way to deal with emotions was to throw us down a flight of stairs. When I was 4 or 5 years old, the Children's Aid removed all of us from our birth home and sent us to different foster homes.
I was adopted when I was six. My adopted father told my younger brother (who was adopted with me) that we would never be accepted; and physically abused/beat us. When I turned 11, he began to sexually abuse me.
My adopted mother's second husband was an alcoholic manic depressive and sexual deviant. He sexually harrassed me until I was in my 20s.
Yes, Me Too.
I have no words. I'm sorry.
Thank you, dear friend; I'm sorry too. (((hugs))) xoxox
I laud your bravery @michelle.gent because not all girls who go through child abuse are brave enough to tell their story like you are. A stunning number of child abuse go unreported on a daily basis and this not hearsay but a fact I know. As a teenager with a lot of female friends, I've had many of them confide in me about how they had been abused once or twice or even many times but because of the fear of their abuser or shame, they choose to keep quiet about it. The sad truth is that almost every girl faces this.
There are many men who see girls as mere sex object. Funny enough, even parents are involved in this abuse.
Coincidentally however, just this morning, I flagged off my Voice Against Child Abuse (VACA) Campaign as an initiative to spread awareness on the evils of child abuse here on steemit. I would be highly honoured if you joined the movement. HERE is a post on how you can be part of my campaign. I hope to hear from you. Thanks in anticipation.
Thanks for sharing your story, these things can be hard to revisit!! I've watched this on facebook and had mixed feelings....
on one hand, it's so important that finally finally finally women be taken seriously since we all experience harrowing oppression daily and have been sexually assault and some much worse than others. And yes I have as well as a child and nearly again as an adult.
on the other hand as Lindy West says “I wish women didn’t have to rip our pasts open and show you everything and let you ogle our pain for you to believe us.”
Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story regardless and support you and all women in claiming our right to own our bodies and exist free of sexual abuse and exploitation!!
I moved on but I have no issue to hear about my “sisters” stories and reminded to my own. I never actually forgot and I am glad some have the opportunity to let go .....speaking out feels like healing
that's a great perspective, glad it feels that way!
Also, the last part of Lindy West's quote is really about having to prove our pain to patriarchy so that we are listened to, it THIS she and I too wish wasn't necessary
Yes, this has been a great help because we can see we're not alone and we will be believed. <3
Yes! Women have rights over their own bodies. A right that should not be taken from them.
We shouldn't have to show everything in order to be believed, but this campaign shows what happens when we don't tell. EVERYTHING is hidden, ignored and conveniently not seen. Because we hide the pain away, we aren't healed and we keep that with us forever.
I'm sure, if those boys of my own age had daughters that came to them and said, "Dad, a boy touched me..." "Dad, a boy I liked grabbed my hands and groped me and then tried to force me to go upstairs with him..." They wouldn't think back to the day when they did that to another girl.
Either because they don't remember or because they choose to forget.
You are so right on both counts. And if I keep following the thread of thought, we don't tell because we aren't validated when we do, often women are shamed or blamed or worse when they share, so indeed speaking up is essential and much safer when we do it together.
Actually, @michelle.gent I just thought about all of this again and I need to apologize. I shouldn't have made my initial comment to your post. Whether the point is valid or not doesn't matter, this just wasn't the time nor the place to say it and I'm sorry. Your story is important and needs to be heard, supported and validated and I truly apologize for any thing I said that detracted from that.
No... can't see anything that detracted... conversation rolling on... it's all good :)