"Why do people need to 'play games' in a relationship, mostly in its beginning?"
The Question
>Hi Nomad,
>I for one do not believe in games at all and I feel really bad and phony when I play them. But on the other hand if I gave the impression that I am interested and so received everything then at some point nothing would be left and the relationship would be gone.
>Some say that there always has to be someone who chases and someone who is being chased. But is it really so? Does it always have to be a black and white situation?
>Am I too young and therefore naïve to believe that games in relationships are not necessary? I was deeply hurt many times but I am still not willing to give up who I am. I have always gone on living by my beliefs as if I was not hurt at all.
>What do you think? Are games necessary?
>Lovely me,
Image: Designer Kritsitana Hansen
My Answer
Hi,
Although it often happens that everything looked good and promising in the beginning and many nice words were spoken between two seemingly mature people, in practice, we discover that the other side chose to play games in spite of what was said. However, in the long run, it all turns out good.
You see, you must accept the idea that you do not have control over other people’s behaviors. You two can talk about your plans for many hours, sharing your thoughts about ideal love, and how you really don’t want to play any more games, only wanting to create a beautiful and innocent relationship. What ultimately counts, however, as you well know, is what happens "down on the field". Since you can never know at the beginning of the relationship what goes through your spouse’s mind and if they interpret “games” as you do, the only thing you can do is to choose your own behavior!
Do you choose not to play games? Wonderful!
Do you choose to be faithful? Great!
Do you choose to be direct and sincere? Excellent!
But there it stops. You cannot approach your spouse with the same demands you put on yourself. You cannot say to them: “Listen, you must be honest and direct because that’s how I am”. This approach will never work because their fear of losing you might lead them to accept your demands and to agree quickly to everything you want even though they could never fulfill what they promised. You would leave the date excited and content, thinking “Oh, how wonderful, finally I met someone who understands me” only to be disappointed two hours later when he doesn’t call.
That said, it does not mean that you cannot declare your choices.
On the contrary – it is very efficient and productive that you tell your date what kind of person you are and how you behave. It is wise to share your ideas and values with them, supplemented by some examples where necessary. You can also add, if you feel, that you choose to be with someone who shares your worldview.
This demeanor is a way for you to convey to your partner, simply and without effort, the idea that they are responsible for their behavior. Your task afterward will only be to stick to your decision, that is not to play games at all (really!!) and to observe the developing relationship. If everything goes well and you enjoy it and feel happy then you are in the right place. But if you are a witness to signals of ego-driven games and manipulation generated by him, exercise discretion and quickly release the guy to his own way. Carry on with your life. Don’t waste your time trying to change him or scolding him or getting angry with him.
One additional comment – there is no such thing as “receiving everything”. If one still perceives a relationship as a black and white situation where two opposite edges meet and try to merge, then one is still imprisoned in a dualistic mode of thinking. Such thinking is limiting and no wonder it makes one feel that there certainly can be an end to receiving and growth of the soul.
The truth is entirely different. The soul is infinite and we will never stop finding out new things about our spouse no matter how many years we are with them. Once one crosses a certain edge and moves from the world of duality to the kingdom of realization a new perspective is obtained. In the new place, there are no opposites; no two scared people who (think they) play the game of love.
The simple and basic idea is that the soul always wants to explore life and its relationships. Games are boring for the soul and so many relationships that begin with or involve games are doomed to decay and die. Games usually come from a limited and fearful mind that is governed by an unbalanced ego. In such situations, the soul loses interest, yawns and looks for other adventures.
Therefore, if your new relationship begins with manipulation and games, be bold and daring, expose all your cards, and say: “No, thank you. I do not play these games. I am not interested”. If your partners understand the idea then carry on; if they don’t, say goodbye and attract someone who does.
Good luck!
[========]
לימדו להיות מאסטרים של תודעה
באמצעות מערכות היחסים, החלומות והאנרגיה המינית שלכם