She wants to separate, she told me yesterday. I want to give us a second chance because I still love her. A second chance for both of us to see if we can repair whatever damage has been done. Here is our story of the past six years, or rather my story, seeing as I would be erring if I spoke for the two of us.
We’ve known each other since we were small children. We were friends in elementary school, friends in high school, but never lovers. Not until about six years ago when, after not seeing each other for quite some time, we met again at the house of a common acquaintance.
I fell in love with her little by little as we saw each other often over the course of that summer, and I felt that I could make her happy. I though she was happy with me, I loved the way she laughed and her warm smile. Was I fooled by my own desire to cherish her, is it possible that what I saw was just the happiness of a comfortable life being laid out in front of her? Comfortable is not enough, comfortable gets boring. She told me the other day, that she feels like nothing is alive around her. Is that what she always felt, were those smiles just hollow reflections of emptiness?
After we got married we spent some wonderful moments together. We used to rent a little cabin on the lake and go there every long weekend in August. She’s a wonderful person, a good and caring woman. We never wanted kids, so that was never a source of tension between us. We always seemed to get along so well, she almost never complained. I thought we were living the life she wanted, and our friends complimented us on our great relationship. Looking back I wonder if it was real happiness, or just sadness. It scares me not to be able to tell the difference.
Looking back now, I can see how we gradually stopped talking about a year ago. That is, we only talked of little meaningless things in our daily routines. And I still thought she was happy. But I loved her then, and I still love her now.
I Still Love Her
So I ask myself: were we ever truly married? The fact that I still love her now, and that I loved her for all these years – does that validate our union? Because it’s only after what happened yesterday that I began to wonder if she has ever loved me. If she hasn’t, then were me married at all? In that case, our union may have been validated by a piece of paper only. And all I ask myself now is not why I didn’t see it before, but whether it’s worth working towards a meaningful marriage now, or just give up what was never there in the first place.
But that’s just it – the two of us may not have been one, but half of it, my half, was genuine. I still love her so I will give it one more chance. I don’t wish to make her love me; maybe I don’t know her at all, but if she finds it in her heart that out marriage deserves one more try, I’ll be there for her, for us both.