DEAR LITTLESCRIBE: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with porn. Is she overreacting?

(autumnasphodel.com)

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

My wife thinks I’m cheating on her and I have an ‘addiction’ just because I look at porn. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but she wants a divorce. It’s not like I’m seeing any of these women, or like it interferes with our relationship or anything. Please tell my wife she is overreacting. If she did the same thing, it wouldn’t bother me one bit.”

Sincerely, Mr. G

Dear Mr. G,

What bothers you is irrelevant. This bothers your wife. She has told you so. Why would you keep it up?

If your wife were knowingly doing something that made you feel less of a man and you asked her to stop, what would you hope her response would be? What if she told you that you were overreacting, and she was going to continue the behavior anyway because it didn’t bother HER one bit?

Part of being married is honoring the sensitive requests of our partner, and valuing how they feel enough to give up a little of ourselves for their benefit.

That being said, women who scream “divorce” when porn crops up are usually not as upset about porn as they think they are. Chances are, they are more upset about the relationship itself. Anyone who can pull off a lifetime of abstinence from looking at pornography is a friggin anomaly. We all know this. Porn makes an easy scapegoat on a marriage in distress.

(someecards.com)

If you are doing things to help your wife feel cherished, supported, sexy, understood, and appreciated, the chances of her feeling threatened by your impersonal and biologically understandable lust for other naked bodies will be greatly diminished.

In fact, many marital therapists recommend pornography to help get the spark back in the marriage. And it works very well for some couples.

Some studies show pornography increases libido, improves intimacy, and aids in self-awareness, especially for women.

Socially speaking, advocates for pornography speak of sexual liberation, personal expression, and art in the form of the human body.

But don’t misunderstand me. I’m not letting porn off the hook. It might be exciting and stimulating, but advocates opposed to pornography suggest it can lower impulse control and increase self-serving (and self-loathing) behavior.

Many wives complain their spouses become more impatient, critical, secretive, less intimate, and more self-absorbed as their interest in pornography grows. These are the same behaviors a husband often develops when he is actually cheating on his wife.

I would suggest perhaps it is not the pornography itself your wife is upset about, but what she believes it does (or could do) to you and your relationship.

A preliminary gander on the internet reveals dozens of articles and studies claiming excessive use of pornography deteriorates the prefrontal cortex, causes hypofrontality, stunts and reverses emotional maturity, and diminishes an individual’s capacity to put off impulses and cultivate rewarding relationships.

Advocates against pornography speak of objectification, oversexualization, and sexual deviance.

It is difficult for me to say, as a layperson, what pornography actually does to a human being or to a relationship, and whether statistically speaking this effect is positive or negative on the person or the relationship.

THE AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

The American Psychological Association has a great article on the subject, addressing both sides of the coin. The article explains:

The Kinsey Institute survey found 9 percent of porn viewers said they had tried unsuccessfully to stop.

Although statistically significant, this still is a small percentage. And maybe porn is no big deal to you. But I tend to take the safe road on the subject.

MODERATION IN ALL THINGS

I do know that when I was in college, I took a philosophy class where I was required to interview the local deputy who specialized in sexually deviant crimes, including sexual assault and voyeurism. His position was that pornography was a “gateway” behavior, leading good men to crave more and more until they committed sexual crimes against women in real life. Some of the guys in prison got together and formed a coalition against pornography. They spoke out about how they used to have normal, happy lives, came from good families, and loved their wives and children...until their pornography use got out of control. They each talked about how over time the same kind of material would not satisfy them any longer, their tastes gradually became more fiendish and uncontrollable, and they ultimately resorted to criminal and deviant behavior to satisfy their urges.

That is NOT the case for everyone. And these men are the exception to the rule. But their stories always stuck with me.

We know that pornography and sex release dopamine in the brain. We can read studies showing there is a direct link between dopamine overexposure and decreased activity in the frontal cortex. It seems only logical to assume that excessive use of pornography COULD lead to hypofrontality, which would diminish emotional maturity at the very least, and result in fiendish behavior at the most. Maybe that’s just me being paranoid or overthinking the issue. But I think the subject is worth thinking about.

Especially if you have a tendency to develop bad habits or get addicted.

Do I think looking at porn is “cheating?” I don’t know. I guess anything can be a mistress--whether it is work, sports, video games, golfing, food, or book club. Infidelity comes in many forms. But pornography comes awfully close to being the real thing.

If my husband were caught viewing pornography, my first reaction would be to chuckle about it, and I’d be inclined to see what the fuss was all about. But deep down, I’d want him to stop. And I’d probably tell him so.

Porn is ubiquitous. It’s commonplace. Might I suggest that if you do decide to stop viewing pornography, the only way to do so is to make the decision BEFOREHAND, so that when the invitation lands in your lap and your executive decision-making is lulled to sleep, you’ll already know what you’re going to do. Better yet, make a NSFW filter on your computer. Done.

(biblicalgenderroles.com)

*other images royalty free from pixabay.com

Books/Studies related to this post:

1. Is Pornography Addictive?: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspx

2. 9 Unexpected Benefits of watching porn: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/benefits-of-porn/

3. It turns out that pornography is good for you:
   https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental

4. Your Brain on Porn: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-porn-e-book

5. Anatomical Insights into the Interaction of Emotion and Cognition in the Prefrontal Cortex: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0149763411001515?via%3Dihub

6. Dysfunction of the prefrontal cortex in addiction: neuroimaging findings and clinical implications: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/dysfunction-prefrontal-cortex-addiction-neuroimaging-findings-and-clinical-implications-2011

7. Why some people resist relationship infidelity better than others:
   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-barry-kaufman/why-do-people-resist-the-_b_858102.html

8. Six things that get better after quitting porn:
   http://compulsionsolutions.com/6-things-you-can-realize-about-life-after-quitting-porn/

9. How porn affects the brain like a drug:
   http://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-affects-the-brain-like-a-drug/

10. Christian blogger says porn use is good for Christians: https://biblicalgenderroles.com/category/pornography/