What it's like to be Depressed in a Workplace that Lacks Mental Health Awareness
I was supposed to write about travel today but I' m feeling down so that may not be a good mood on a travel post. It maybe the holiday season that's making me sad. Ironically, the festive decors, lights and sound around me makes me more lonely.
Lack of Mental Health Awareness
Depression is a word that has been misused especially in my country (the Philippines) where there isn't much mental health awareness. People just say they're getting depressed over something really petty. The word seems to have more impact than simply saying they're sad. Clinical depression is something rare not because only a very few people get this but because they don't even get diagnosed.
I have always been a happy person. I had overcome struggles in my life and came out of it really fine. I have always thought that I can handle anything. So when that deep feeling of sorrow enveloped me, day by day, I just couldn't understand it. This made it even difficult because I have a full time job and I work with a team.
Being a depressed employee
Working with a team was the most difficult part for me. I can still work and I am a highly functional depressed person. I am able to deliver my work with no issues and I can deal with transactions with other people. But that's it, I can only handle transactional interactions. Anything personal makes me feel unsafe because I know the stigma that I will get for being depressed. My manager talked me into bringing my entire self to work and so I did. This didn't turn out really well. My colleagues have noticed changes in my behavior from being that happy girl to someone who just wears a gloomy face. I don't really want to talk and I avoided personal conversations.
People's Reactions
I know a colleague who hated me for how I acted. Some just talked about me, or should I say gossiped about me. They were thinking of what must have happened to me, something juicy would be a good topic. And there are of course those who showed concern who keep asking about me. A colleague even told me that she's been praying about me. But worse of all is management's reaction. One of the senior leaders talked to me and they think that even though I have worked and delivered very well, they think that I am unstable. They wouldn't give me an assignment because they fear me because people notice how sad i am, people talk that's what he said. They fear me. That's really a shock to hear like I'm a monster employee.
Pretending to be okay
With all these events, I realized that being depressed might lead me to losing my job which may lead to greater problems. My immediate solution, although not a lasting one, is to pretend that I am okay. In a place where not being okay is unacceptable, this would be my best choice for now. And it did work! They vouched for me when I applied for a new role and I got accepted. To be honest, I moved to my new role because it requires less interaction with people and less time to pretend.
I am feeling a bit better these days but I can't say that my battle is over. I am glad to be in Steemit, be anonymous and write about this and not lose my job!
How about you? Have you or do you know someone who has been through this darkness and hopelessness? What did you do about it?
*Photos from pixabay, but story and words are my own
People take depression as a sign of weakness. I've come to the stage where I don't care anymore and I'm open and direct about it. I am not well, I admit it. It's a clinical problem that goes away with medicine. The same way you can't discriminate against anyone who has diabetes.
But I can understand your dilemma , in Asia people don't care
@diebitch same here some people see it as a sign of weakness, and at work as sign of incompetece maybe. Unlike you, I guess I am not open about it as I fear it may affect my job and the way they see me. But they notice and see it anyway even if I don't say it directly.
It's good that you have access to medicine. We only have a few mental health care clinics and practitioners because depression at its medical sense is still foreign in my country.
I wish you well and I appreciate you sharing your experience. Thank you!
The word depression existed before clinical depression was even a thing. I know it's hard that people use it when they just mean they're sad, and you're on a whole other level, but what they're saying is still valid. Although perhaps sometimes they really should keep that word a bit more reserved, because of it's dual meaning now.
What's really not okay is how people are treating you. I don't know that I'm clinically depressed, but I'm not as happy as I once was. People always say stupid shit about how I should smile. They insult me, saying I look ugly with a frown, when I'm not even frowning, I'm just not smiling. I rarely frown.
I guess the moral of the story is that people are dicks. I'm sorry for it.
@geekpowered your're right, I probably am more aware of the real meaning of this word as I have felt the worse type. I myself would even use this word lightly. Although maybe in our dialect (and a combination of English) when someone says "nadedepress ako" (i'm getting depressed), they don't really mean they're on that level it's just so easy to say.
If there's no consequence for you not smiling, then you should just do what feels right i think. In my case, there's just consequence on my "job performance".
The way they treated you at work is not acceptable in my opinion, whether or not they were more familiar with depression. If I was in a managerial position, I would put many of them on report, or possibly even fire some of them. You don't treat someone worse because they're not smiling enough for your liking. That's kind of fucking insane. Maybe not literally, but it doesn't follow logical sense. If someone isn't happy, you do things to try to make them happier. Obviously you wouldn't promote them for it, in this instance, but you'd try to look for ways to change their situation to improve their mood, because perhaps something is making things worse. And you wouldn't pass them up for a position, unless it had more customer interaction or something, because not smiling has nothing to do with job performance.
I'm not sure if it has something to do with our culture called "pakikisama" which i guess can be translated to getting along well with others, which i think leads to someone always adjusting to what the group wants - in my case i just can't. I'm just trying to understand them. My current role requires less interaction with them and I interact mostly with someone overseas, which is good. I really appreciate your response in what I've shared.
You may be right. It could have something to do with your culture.
Although I suppose in a way we have had similar in our culture, just not outright said it, and I've always hated it. :P
Where are you from?
It's unfortunate that you have to hide how you're feeling just to keep your job - I am lucky to have had employers that understand I may work a little slower because of a tragedy or an illness, but others are not so understanding. Many workplaces are like this - I'd encourage you to seek help in the meantime. Hiding your problem will not make it go away, but will instead allow it to fester and grow.
I agree with you @snowmachine what I'm doing is a short term solution. I have sought help but the lack of mental health awareness in my country doesn't really provide proper treatment and we don't have enough mental health practitioners. We have a mental health bill that has been waiting to become a law for years. Hope it changes the situation when people realize that we need help. Culturally, we always say we're a happy nation and we always have friends and family to talk to. But times has changed and we can't just ask for friends' help. Here's a link to the news about the mental health bill in case you're interested: http://m.philstar.com/314191/show/4f11ec75a579d216aa26f40d61ad80fd/?
And I'm happy for you that you have a better experience at your workplace. Not everyone can just leave their jobs when such things happen. Hope everything goes well with you.
I know the feeling. Getting back to "normal" is no easy feat and it definitely doesn't help to have an audience of critics. Don't push people away if they legitimately care, but give them something else to talk about with you. Find something small, a diet, a show, a book. Find somewhere to channel energy into for your own sake, but also to let others know there's more to you than who they see at work and someone dealing with an illness. It will help them to see you as someone who has a life and interests rather than some damaged creature.
Depression takes energy... by that, I mean it consumes energy, your energy. Take back that energy and put it into something new. Something for yourself. Something that makes you happy. This too will take energy, but believe me, putting energy into something that makes you happy is much better than depression stripping you of your energy!
@digitaldruid thank you for those tips. I'm just slowly and recently gaining more interest into doing something. Although it's hard and I have to push myself. I used to be so extraverted and I like doing many activities in a day. But I can't get myself out there for now, it makes me more sad to be around people because it makes me wonder why can't I smile the same way as them, at the same time the fear of being judged for behaving this way. For now, I'm spending this energy in activities that I can do in solitude like writing here. And I'm glad that I can talk to people here like you and not be judged (I'm anonymous anyway).