How to avoid being manipulated

I've come across various people in my life who have tried to manipulate, control and damage myself or people that I know. In some ways I fortuitously had an experience early in my career when a senior manager took it upon herself to control and manipulate everyone in her department causing havoc and in a few cases long term damage. As one of her employees I became aware that something was going on and, being the sort of person that has a need to learn and understand, I started reading books and attending courses on psychology and manipulation. What I learned amazed me. As a fairly straightforward guy who has always been one to 'live and let live', I couldn't believe how vulnerable I was to manipulation. I was the perfect candidate to be moulded, pushed and pulled because of my psychological innocence.

Why do people manipulate?

Manipulators are sometimes sociopaths, but not always, but they are almost always control freaks. They have a need and a desire to be in control of their circumstances and the world around them. That includes anyone that interacts with them. They want to be the puppet master, being able to predict and manage everything people in their lives do. They often get a rush from controlling the behaviour of others and gain material or positional benefit from doing so. This becomes addictive and they will continue honing their manipulation skills eventually becoming adept at controlling others. It often starts from a young age. As a child they may lack attention or love and attempt to control their world in other ways by using false behaviour and actions to gain favourable responses. These behaviours usually start from such a young age and so, with many years of practice, adult manipulators are able to easily manipulate other innocent adults who have little insight into this sort of behaviour.

Is there such a thing as good manipulation?

In some cases yes there is. Some therapists and psychologists are adept at manipulation and will have the patients best interests at heart. Milton Erickson was one such hypnotherapist. He used a variety of techniques to wake his patients up to new and empowering realities, often manipulating them to break them out of their self limiting behaviours.
Manipulation is also used in marketing and advertising and there is an amazing book by Cialdini called 'Influence, Science and Practice' which breaks down how marketeers manipulate us. That's another nefarious use of manipulation which is beyond the scope of this article but I've linked to Cialdini's website below.

In general, manipulation is an underhand behaviour that gets someone to do something they they wouldn't normally want to do. I honestly believe that if we lived in a world where everyone was direct and straightforward with everyone else, instead of trying not to offend or avoiding difficult situations, we would live in a better world. There would be no manipulation because we wouldn't need our ego's to be continually stroked.

Manipulators also have ego's and false beliefs in their own intelligence and ability. They think that they are better than you because they were able to gain some control over your behaviour. If they are able to control multiple individuals in their life you can see why they might have inflated opinions of themselves, becoming arrogant and self aggrandising. In reality the tactics that they use are fairly straightforward, but most people are blind to them because they work on a level beyond the logical and intellectual. Manipulators work at the emotional and egotistical level. Once we understand this and are able to grow our emotional self awareness we can easily start to de-construct the games that even the most adept manipulators play.

Tactics manipulators use

These are some of the tactics manipulators will use, although they might not use all. It depends on their tactics and the positional power they have over you. For example in relationships, playing victim is a common tactic, but in management reciprocation will be used frequently.

• They will make you think you owe them – They will tell you how they have helped you or done things for you making you feel reciprocal towards them. Even the smallest insignificant favours are banked, to be used, reused and called in at later dates. It doesn't matter how much you do for them, those favours are not credited. It's a one way transaction, a bit like a bank that will loan you money, take your deposits, but never give them back.
• They will play victim – It's always the manipulator who is the victim and they will make out that you are victimising them or making their victimhood worse, even if you are just behaving normally or trying to help. They will use this to soften you up and try to get you on their side, putting you in the vulnerable position of helper and supporter.
• Giving and withholding emotional strokes – Whether it's displays of affection in relationships, or praise for a job well done by a manager, these little strokes are designed to get you wanting more and more, at which point they are withheld until you provide something in return, usually something significant. The boyfriend treats his girlfriend to an expensive holiday in return for her affectionate company, the employee works a 60 hour week in return for a pat on the back or an empty promise, the friend runs around after someone, giving them lifts, paying for drinks, etc., in return for a compliment about their hair or clothes. These strokes are common in the early stages of the relationship, but gradually withdrawn to the point where your ego craves them. It's a bit like training Pavlov's dogs to slaver at the thought of a snack when a bell sounds. Generally speaking, manipulative people might come across as highly likeable during the early stages of a friendship, career or relationship. Only after they have gathered sufficient information to control you will their nature become less predictable.
• Generalisation, distortion or deletion – Manipulators are rarely logical or straight talking. They will avoid the subject or twist it into their favour using generalisations (everyone, everything, the whole world etc.) distortions (twisting the meaning behind words or actions), or deletions (conveniently forgetting certain facts or information pertinent to a subject). However, if you try to use these tactics in return you will be called out on it immediately.
• Information gathering – Manipulators ask lots of questions. They want to know everything about you, particularly the gritty stuff. This is all ammunition that will be used against you at a future date. Unfortunately by then it's usually to late to retract, you've given too much away and the manipulator has you.
• Transference – The redirection of their issues onto you. Manipulators might often accuse you of things that they themselves are guilty of. They will also build evidence by manipulating other people to gang up on you so that they can say “It's not just me! John also thinks you are cruel!” It is unlikely, however, that they will accuse you of being a sociopath or a manipulator as they will risk you doing some research and thus exposing them. These people know themselves well, but they hide their true nature from you.
• Gas lighting – This is where a manipulator will twist the truth or invent facts to make you doubt your sanity. This can be to the extreme side of manipulation as it is easily disproved, but it will usually start with small things and build to more improbably things that will make you think you are going mad. Beware, if someone is doing this to you, they are probably a sociopath and it's time to get yourself out of the situation.
• Unpredictability – One moment you are enjoying a nice meal, the next minute you said something innocuous and your partner flies off the handle and starts ranting at you. You feel shocked, defensive and confused. You are meant to feel that way. It's a tactic to throw doubt and fear into your mind. If you feel like you are always walking on egg shells, it's a good sign that the other person is manipulating you.

Evasive action

There are a number of tactics that you can use if you think you are being manipulated by someone. One thing to remember is that manipulators hate to be exposed. The success of their tactics requires them to be covert and subtle so that you don't know that you are being manipulated. That's not to say that they are going to be gentle with you, they are usually quite nasty towards you, but you will be confused into thinking that it's your fault. Here's how to handle manipulative behaviour:

• Call them out – remember everything that's been said in conversations so that you can play back the details and cut down their arguments. They will likely resort to generalisation, deletion and distortion in the face of facts, don't let them. Ask them to be specific and don't allow them to blame you with loose arguments.
• Be calm – Don't get emotionally involved in confrontations and don't lose your temper. Calmly remain logical and you will maintain a clear head. In the face of logic, most manipulators weak arguments will be exposed.
• Don't give too much information away – manipulators are information gatherers, they use kindness, friendliness and appeal to your ego to build ammunition. Play your cards close to your chest, allowing small innocuous bits of information out at a time. You will know soon enough who you are dealing with if these bits of information come back to haunt you.
• Be in charge of your emotions – Remember, manipulators are working on your egotistical emotional level. Be conscious and in charge of how you feel. Don't let someone else's comment or observation create an emotional response within you, think it through first and examine the intention behind the comment (was it meant to help or hinder you or was it meant to help the person delivering it?)
• Be hard faced – Don't rise to vulnerability or faux victim mentality, remember manipulators are ruthless and aggressive on the inside even if they appear to be victims on the outside. There are genuine victims out there who require support and empathy, but a manipulator will continually return to their victim mentality and accuse you of making it worse, even though their situation isn't particularly bad. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong.
• Be logical – Always think things through logically before you engage emotionally. Sometimes you might think you are going mad. You aren't, but a manipulator will be able to control you easily if you are doubting your own sanity.
• Take notes and build evidence – In the workplace manipulation is defined as passive aggression and can be considered bullying but it is more difficult to prove than outright bullying. If you maintain a record of what was said, when, reactions, witnesses and how you felt it can help to build a case against a manipulator. If there is more than one person being manipulated, even better, although this is unlikely as manipulators like to isolate and victimise their targets.

Beware highly intelligent manipulators

Not only are manipulators well practiced but they are often highly intelligent. They have come to realise that they can get almost anything in life that they want simply be becoming better manipulators, so it's in their interests to develop and improve on their skills. The better they become, the more they get. A highly intelligent manipulator is a very dangerous individual and should best be avoided if at all possible. They will probably know more about you than you know about yourself and they will use this information to confuse and control you. Even the tactics above will only work marginally to expose a highly intelligent manipulator, because, like a good chess player, they are 5 moves ahead of you. It's best to simply not play the game and get them out of your life.

A word of caution

Some manipulators are sociopathic, violent and aggressive. Once exposed they may resort to scorched earth approach to destroy you while being unconcerned about the consequences. If you think the person manipulating you has the ability to damage you in some way handle them carefully and just attempt to extract yourself from the situation. One way of doing this is not to give them any energy whatsoever by ignoring and evading them. Eventually, once they realise there are easier targets, they will hopefully move on. Either way, don't put yourself in harms way.

Share this message with anyone you think is dealing with a manipulator. Let's expose them and disarm them and hopefully make the world a better place, even for manipulators, who will need to resort to more honest means to get what they want.

Sources

• Milton Erickson - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_H._Erickson
• Book 'In sheeps clothing' - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/096516960X/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518956001&sr=1-4&keywords=in+sheeps+clothing
• Cialdini - https://www.influenceatwork.com/principles-of-persuasion/