Fully Loaded: My experience with Absinthe, from Prague to Houston.
Absinthe is an alcoholic drink enjoyed by artists and writers for centuries. Bohemians in France called it “La Fee Verte” or “The Green Fairy.” According to lore, absinthe contains psychedelic properties thanks to the chemical Thujone, found in wormwood, which is a major ingredient in absinthe. In 1905 some crazy ass alcoholic Swiss dude murdered his family and tried to kill himself after drinking absinthe. Unfortunately, the authorities overlooked the fact that he was a crazy ass alcoholic and blamed the absinthe, causing the drink to be outlawed in many countries until 2007, when some forward thinking lawmakers got together and said, “That’s dumb.”
Back in the early 2000’s I lived in Germany. As a crazy ass, drunk, Bohemian writer in Europe, I felt it was my artistic duty to follow in the footsteps of self-destructive trailblazers like Hemmingway, Van Gogh, and Edger Allan Poe and hallucinate on psychotropic booze. I was like a five year old on Christmas morning when I found my first bottle of green evil in Amsterdam. I ran back to my hostel as fast as I could, giddy with anticipation. I cracked open the bottle and took a healthy, alcoholic swig. There are no words to describe the abject horror of how honest to goodness Absinthe tastes. Grind up a bunch of anise star and fennel, soak it in rubbing alcohol, and then give it an abortion. That is what absinthe tastes like. I would have thrown up but I spent a large portion of my drinking money on the bottle so wasting it wasn’t really an option. Over the course of that weekend I managed to choke down the whole bottle, but I couldn’t tell if there were any psychedelic effects on account of the copious amounts of weed, coke, mushrooms, and Heineken I had also ingested that weekend.
Obviously, more testing was needed. During my travels I would always search for absinthe, especially when I went to shithole Eastern European countries. Each bottle tasted worse than the last. Despite my best efforts, I never managed to hallucinate or experience the transmogrification the green fairy had promised me.
The pinnacle of my experiment came when I found a brew-your-own absinthe kit on another trip to Amsterdam. It was a big bundle of pungent smelling twigs and leaves I put in a bucket to ferment in vodka for two weeks. The bucket absinthe tasted like the aforementioned abortion had a colonoscopy while getting kicked in the ball sack. That cool thing you see in movies where they pour absinthe over a sugar cube and light it on fire is bullshit. Instead of having a throat closing crime against humanity dissolving the inside of your mouth, you have a hot crime against humanity and bits of sugar stuck in your teeth. During that period of my life I was a full time drunk, but that bucket of green hellfire lasted for months. It was always a painful time when I’d run out of alcohol in the middle of the night, when the stores were closed. The bucket would taunt me, whispering, “Do it. You know you want to. I’m 40 proof. Drink me!” which I inevitably would, choking back green floral napalm and tears of shame. My girlfriend kept telling me to throw it away, but it is illegal to pour out alcohol unless it’s for one of your dead homies, and I didn’t have any dead homies.
It turns out all the hype about absinthe is just an urban legend. It gets you drunk; that’s it. All those famous artists that were going crazy and doing shit like cutting their ears off and mailing them to hookers were actually going crazy from the lead paint they were using, and the only reason absinthe was popular with them was because it was the cheapest rot-gut Victorian age, broke ass, substance abuse addicts could get their hands on.
So yesterday I was at the liquor store and saw some absinthe on the shelf. I’ve seen it before but I never bought any because it was too expensive. This particular bottle was going for a very doable $14.95. What is a modern age broke ass substance addict supposed to do in a situation like that? Of course I bought it.
A little fun fact about me that you might not know; I’m an asshole. I am also childish. I am a childish asshole.
I asked my partner in crime of ten years, Heather, if I could take a picture of her taking a shot of absinthe to accompany a blog I decided to write about the drink. She foolishly trusted me and agreed while I laughed maniacally and twisted my mustache like the villain I am. Muhahahaha!
All in all, it was the least disgusting of the Absinthes I've had.
*Yes, I know I am wearing mismatched socks in the pictures. I stopped giving a fuck in the 80's.
Omg this brings back memories from when I was in Germany in the military.. a bunch of us decided to split a bottle in hopes of hallucinations... none were forthcoming.. but I do remember how awful that shit tastes. I'd rather suck the sweat off a honey badgers ball sac than drink that again.
lmao...i need some haha
If you get some... trust me. I've tried everything, practical and impractical. take a bite of a pickle after doing a shot. It's the only thing that will kill the taste.
This man absinthes.
Well-written and very interesting post. I actually like the taste of absinthe, maybe because I'm of Dutch heritage and grew up snacking on salted licorice candy. I also love the taste of star anis.
As for the hallucinations, years ago, I read that the drinkers did not really experience hallucinations. Apparently, the distillers back in the day added some sort of copper derivative to the absinthe, to give it a green tint, and that ingredient was actually toxic.
So, instead of hallucinating, those who drank it to excess simply went fucking crazy. Kinda like permanent hallucinations.
Very interesting!
I was in Prague a couple months ago for a couple days - was surprised at how much of the stuff there is all over the place!
Seems drugs must be legal there too, as they had tons of cannabis goodies - including cannabis-infused absinthe, and even coca-leaf infused vodka....
Whaaaat? Coca vodka? I wish I would have seen that when I was there.
the wife and I tried a small bottle. definitely not strong. but did seem to have a nice quality to it, sorta balanced out the downer of the alcohol. definitely would like to try more if go back... :-)
Also your facial hair is amaze balls! How can you envy @bleedpoet's beard with a beautiful lady tickler like that sir?
Ha ha! I've had that stuff - it was a tad more expensive at the time. I was so excited to try absinthe... but the reality is that the crazy 60 proof and up moonshine/alcohols back in the day, where what really made people a little nutty. I felt very disillusioned at the time.
hahaha, this is great, like I was reading Bukovski of 21st century in god mood. You should try something called rakija - sljivovica, if you hadn't yet. We make it in my country and the best is home made
https://steemit.com/life/@interceptor/photo-making-of-a-moonshine-grape-plum-apple-pear-peach-and-quince-rakia
That shit sounds awesome. I want some of the wood plank recipe.
So come to Serbia, land of brandy and prety girls, and cheep drinks :)
Haha, full upvote for that last line alone!
I'll drink to that.
Thanks.
nice post.love to read it
Seeing your food I want to eat what I want to eat. We have actually done a lot of fun. I understand that both of you look very beautiful.
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