Let's talk about it
To be honest, I woke up this morning in the same mood I have been in for a few days now: miserable. After having one too many days like this, I just started crying this morning.
I am overwhelmed with pain and without treatment or a treatment plan since August. It's cold here in Nova Scotia and I need to walk to and from work for the past two weeks again.
I left work early Friday again from my neck and shoulder feeling like Freddy Kreugers playground. Apparently it's obvious when that's happening, those around me stare at my struggles and my boss just looks at me and knows what's going on.
My weekend was overwhelming as I tried to overcome my limits to make this house clean and comfortable so energy could flow freely. Or maybe it's the fact that we went from 6 degrees to -18 in a day. I'm not sure. But I was broken and called in sick Monday for the first time this year. So much for my attendance improvements.
With defeat comes down time. With down time comes depression. With depression comes sad and overwhelming thoughts that can "dull my sparkle" as I call it.
Usually, I try to avoid blogging and social media when I am feeling in such a miserable state. But today is #BellLetsTalk day. So, let's talk.
First, please go and find the #BellLetsTalk short video, each time it is viewed 5 cents will be donated to mental health initiatives.
From the outside looking in, to most people, I am a ray of sunshine. Heck, I even earned the nickname "Sparkle" from the Executive Director of PARC, Helen. I try to sparkle, I really do.
But if most people who see me daily knew even a portion of what my life was really like, they could call me crazy for being so positive and optimistic all the time.
Working my 2.5 hour shift, as you have read, is a struggle. My 6 hours before my shift are pure hell, the journey to is never pleasant and when I get there I am so sidetracked from all of my pain, I'm fortunate I can go into auto pilot with my customers for the most part and mindlessly make their days better. And I do. I get blessed and thanked so often, I love that part.
My home life is never talked about because, well, it's personal. Incredibly confusing as well. Very straining, stressful, disappointing for my husband and financially impossible most days. He works night 14-16 hour night shifts to try to make up for what I lack in finances, yet we can never get ahead.
I spent my sweet 16th birthday in a mental institution for attempted suicide. I have been diagnosed with multiple disorders and tried many medications in my younger years to "get better".
It wasn't until I realized that I was essentially my own biggest obstacle. My thoughts had become my biggest limitation and the stigma around mental health did not help my case in feeling better or somewhat normal.
I was black sheeped then for being depressed, I'm a black sheep now for my rare neurological chronic pain condition, CRPS.
Difference is, I know better now. I have found amazing coping techniques that have allowed me to think above the negative dwelling sometimes, and sometimes is enough to be considered a step in the right direction.
What gets me through most days is trying to be kind to myself. I give myself credit for the little things, in time that credit and kindness adds up.
It's ok if you can't solve all your problems in one day or find the answers you need. Everything takes time and practice.
Kindness takes practice.
Be understanding of others and try to put yourself in their shoes. Be a friend to a stranger in help. Be kind to one another, but firstly yourself.
I'll leave you with an amazing quote I found yesterday, it paints my picture pretty well I think.
"Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world" Pema Chodron
Go watch that video on repeat. Talk about what's bothering you and be kind to yourself.
Positive thoughts,
-Kristen Sparkle
@HippieRaysWays on Instagram
This is my personal blog, published on steemit and WordPress in an attempt to inspire others to dream big, believe in themselves and make the best out of every situation <3
