Reflections On Loving -Part 8

“Love rests on no foundation. It is an endless ocean, with no beginning or end.” ― Rumi

I want to start off by stating a quote which I found from an article a couple of months ago on Stumble Upon. I fell hard for it!

''You are not with your perfect soulmate; you are with a flawed human being. The alternative to the all-or-nothing model of relationship is to see that your mate is both ever-so right for you, at least in some ways, and at the very same time utterly wrong for you in other ways. Trading our spouses out for newer ones is often a matter of trading one person’s imperfections and irritating habits for another person’s. ''

In other words, (this is the millionth time I’ve said it, but as John Gottman states it himself: ''Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. '')
This short paragraph resonates with me deeply as it addresses something super important. That is, the power of expectations.
Wouldn’t it feel good if the universe always worked in our favor, and if people would fulfill all of our needs, the exact way we want them to?
Unfortunately, that would be a very delusional way to live by, as it is clearly impossible.
People are not there to meet our every expectation.
I love to claim this, but I believe it deeply: instead of looking for the ''perfect'' partner, we ought to work on ourselves to become the right partner first 😉
As human beings, we have many shortcomings, and a lot of them have to do with the way our mind operates.
We often see ourselves a specific way, but sometimes, unfortunately, the way we see ourselves does not match the reality.
We also see the outer reality a specific way too, and not always the way it really is.
Here is a powerful quote I love which I took from the book
The state of Affairs-Rethinking Infidelity
I know it’s taken out of context, but I still find it that amazing!

''But it is human nature to cling to our sense of reality, to resist its possible shattering even in the face of irrefutable evidence. ''
In sab's words, this means love makes you blind 😉

In order for love to thrive, sometimes, we have to let go of certain needs (that our ego has a very hard time saying no to).
I could write a huge list, but some of them involve our insatiable desire to be right, to make people satisfy our every need, to have the last word, to blame the wrong on the other person, name it.
When you think about it for more than a second, you realize that it’s a pretty good trade to do.
Trading our ego’s false needs to get a better relationship, thus more happiness.
Applying such wisdom is a whole other story, however.
It can not be overstated that there are endless benefits of addressing conflicts as a team, rather than as enemies.
(The #1 being preserving your marriage...Choose wisely...😌)

It’s funny (or not), because last week, I was saying to my therapist how I can not hold anger in my heart.
Like I literally have the hardest time ever to hate people, even if they hurt me deeply.
By that I mean that when someone wrongs me or hurts me or gets mad with me, I don’t see the first emotion that person chooses to display.
I see the broken inner child inside them that does not know any better.
I’m telling you… When I said this to my therapist he looked at me and said ''But Sabrina, that is not your job! You’re being too nice!... ''
While I responded thank you…I guess he made a point here.

We are the main focus of all of the relationships we cultivate with others.
By that I mean that we are the center of these relationships.
We’re the foundation.
If we don’t cultivate love for ourselves, we will not be able to cultivate it properly for somebody else.
If we can’t fulfill most of our needs, we won’t be able to do the same for the other person.
And even if we can do it for a certain period of time, sooner or later, our own wounds will resurface the relationship.
It is very important to gain a healthy perspective of our own selves before choosing to commit to another human.
We need to believe that we are a worthwhile investment, if we want someone else to believe it too.
Everything starts within us first.
💚 💖 💚