Until you become a parent you have no idea how much imaginary food you can eat.

in life •  4 months ago

This is Gaia or, as this living sculpture is Celtic, Danu/Don. She is the mother goddess. Here she rests for a short while after a busy couple of months. She's worked very hard. She's the mother of us all. If you wake her up she will not be happy. If she's not happy, I won't be happy. You have been warned.


(Rights to this picture remain the property of Heligan Gardens)

That's right spring has sprung. At least in the northern hemisphere it has. In the southern hemisphere fall has fallen. They've only got themselves to blame for that, if you ask me. My name is Hardly Cares Atall and I am a countryman. I am not only in touch with nature, I live in it every day. Therefore I know what I'm talking about here. Now contrary to popular belief I don't spend most of my time abusing kestrels. It's far too early in the year to be doing that. You have to wait until summer before you can shout insults and throw things at the feathery bastards. No I spend most of my time observing nature taking place. Good old Mother Nature has awoken from her winter slumbers. She's put in a good long shift as the photograph shows.

Now I could give you an explanation of why it is that the shark is considered the most efficiently evolved predator on the planet, despite the fact I've seen hundreds of humans with shark tooth necklaces but not one shark with a human tooth necklace. I'm not going to do that though. I'm going to address what Mother Nature has been up to this spring. In simple terms even a townie could ask someone intelligent to explain to them. What they all fail to realize as they wander from juice bar to farmers market to tanning salon to homoerotic gym; is that good old Mother Nature is a really dirty bitch. This spring all she's been up to is encouraging every animal to fuck their brains out with every other animal. She's not too choosy either as anyone who has seen male ducks (drakes but I'm simplifying for townies here) gang raping a female duck to death. Life for the male ducks isn't all raping though. Often they'll get killed in the gang bang scrum and end up being fucked by their gang raping friends as well. Mother Nature doesn't care about homosexual necrophilia, as long as they reproduce.

She's fecund you see. Now when you say that word out loud it sounds a bit rude. Nowhere near as rude as it actually is though. Animals are all at it right now. They are humping away like there's no tomorrow, because of Mother Nature. Now some of you might think that this is a bit harsh. You'll point at swans who mate for life. Several other bird species do mate for life as well. However that doesn't stop them fucking anything with a suitable hole or protuberance. Every single bird that mates for life spreads its eggs and seed broadly. Most of the eggs in that nest don't belong to daddy. He's got eggs in several other nests, so he's not that bothered. It's all about the sexy times here.

Otters damp muscular bodies wriggling out of the river to have a good old hump on the bank. Their bodies entwining in conjugal bliss, before the male one leaps on her back and bangs the live and lungs out of her with extreme force. There's a lot of snarling and biting involved due to missionary position not being in the otter Kamasutra. No she doesn't lie back taking her ease. She's far too busy being hammered into the ground for that. No candlelit dinners, aromatic oils or sensual music required here. Otters do not dick about with pointless, meaningless shit. No fuss no bother. Do you fancy a fuck? No I've got a headache. I've got the cure for that. What is it? It's me leaping on your back then hanging on like grim death until you stop struggling. Oh alright then, if you must. Of course I must, Mother Nature insists. She's a dirty, sexy bitch.

Of course Mother Nature isn't only about fucking. That's only 90% of what she's about. The other 10% consists of feeding and fighting. Turkey's are the best example of this. Wild or domesticated they do like to fight and feed. The brilliant thing about all turkeys is that despite having a brain the size of a peanut it's almost human in its behavior. You get a big old group of turkeys and they will fight quite a lot. The marvelous thing is that if one or other of the combatants is seriously injured then the rest of the turkeys will turn on the crippled one. Peck them to death, drink their blood and eat them. In fact turkeys are so human that if they see a turkey that's slightly different to them they will gang up on it, peck it to death, drink its blood and eat it. Honestly you haven't lived until you've seen a turkey that's sustained a leg injury. Over the next few days every other turkey will start pecking away at its back until it's a mass of raw meat and blood. Eventually the victim takes the hint and dies so everyone else can have a lovely meal.

She's pretty pornographic with animals but when it gets onto plants the pornography doesn't stop. Seed is being sprayed all over the place constantly at this time of the year. Plants are such sexual deviants that they'll often do fetish stuff like having animals do their sex with them. They aren't fussy either. I mean you might have had a stray thought about your dog or gerbil and immediately dismissed it but plants have no such scruples. They'll use insects, birds and mammals to get what they want. And what they want is sexual reproduction. Personally I don't understand what kind of pleasure they can get out of this especially given the fact they have no idea who their sexual partner is. In most cases they won't even have been introduced to one another. The thing is that with plants they can usually do both sexy things at the same time. While they are spreading their fecund seeds across the landscape they'll also be receiving a few broadsides themselves. In one way that's disgusting but in another it's pure plant porn.

To anyone considering viewing animal and plant porn after reading this I should provide the following caveat. It's mostly cream pie work. You aren't going to get much else. They aren't interested in artistic merit or aesthetics. No director is going to adjust the lighting or camera angles either. The sex tapes are going to be pretty samey. With that in mind I'll let you go now. Ruminate on the fact that wonderful Mother Nature is one heavy duty hardcore sex obsessed nymphomaniac.

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